Plumber's Crack

Plumber's Crack

"Your Honor, he made me do it and everyone in this room would have done the same thing. You see, IT STARTED WITH A JANKY WATER HEATER. I woke up on a cold and rainy Sunday morning to a cold shower and a puddle on my laundry room floor. Please understand, it is my only day off and not a good way to wake up."

"Miss Judson, that hardly explains these pictures."

"I'm getting to that. Please be a patient judge."

"Get to it quickly, there is quite a bit of blood to explain in these photos."

"Okay, so bad water heater, cold shower, ....need a plumber. I call the recommended place that quotes an exorbitant price because it is Sunday. But, I cave knowing it needs fixed."

"You did this because of the price?"

"Oh, no sir, there is much more. The man sent to my house is a very large individual wearing overalls caked with mud. He has a beard that hangs to his belly with remnants of food woven into it. His right eye was matted shut with green slime. Your Honor, I could smell his halitosis through the screen door."

"That does not explain this! Not everyone has the same standards," he said as he waved the gory photos in the air above his head.

The photos showed a dungareed man with a wrench protruding from his throat. His good eye bulged from the pressure of the tool. His skull had been crushed from repetitive blows. A gruesome scene was represented.


"I get that, and I didn't want to be a snob. I opened my home to the man, and gave him a chance. I didn't flinch when he failed to put on shoe covers, tracking mud on my white carpet. I didn't scream when he requested my tools to use. Willingly, I provided all he asked for. I didn't even giggle when he told me he would need use my crawl space to fix the problem. Your Honor, the thought of a four-hundred pound man in my crawl space is quite humorous."

"I see nothing funny about this, Miss Judson."

"I explained my water heater is in the laundry room and the crawl space would not be needed. And the man seemed disappointed, but followed me. Once there, he got very excited about my old water heater, claiming it was an Exon model number 317, saying we needed to save it. He was adamant about it and started ordering me around. He leaned on the wall while I did all the work."

"But,"

"No, I didn't mind the work, if it meant I would have warm water. But, when I stood up, my muscles were all cramped and I nearly fell on the man. My face came within two inches of his. And that, your Honor, is when it happened! He sneezed directly into my face. This is the year of COVID, your honor. He was an unmasked, bastard"

"Case Dismissed!"

Word Count 497