The precious soul I had to let go of....

This morning, she felt it was enough! Just enough of lying-in bed for days. Enough of putting the curtains on and leaving the room damp and dark. Enough of crying over and over, with so much of void in her heart but no one to listen to. Days of sleepless nights had made her weak and when she actually started to get up, her head felt dizzy and her feet wouldn’t balance properly on the floor. She sat on the bed for a while looking around the room, and trying to regain a little strength. Plenty of used tissue papers; the only company she had while she cried. The plants which were thriving few weeks back now looked as depressed as she was. Pale and dragged down leaves begging for water and her warm-warm touches.

After gathering enough strength to get up, she unfolded the curtain. She realized how much she had adapted herself in the dark when the morning sun felt like it would blind her eyes. Then she opened the window and took some deep breaths. It was a beautiful morning though; blue sky so profound with its shades and clouds that appeared like someone just stroked a brush of white paint over the blue canvas. And the breeze gently touching her skin. She closed her eyes and felt the cool breeze stroking her eyes, face and hair. Oh! Her hair was a mess though, she hadn’t taken bath for days.

Now it was time to nourish her plants. She filled up the kettle and watered each of them, gently, and apologizing for not taking care of them for the past days. She told them she wanted them to thrive because they were the only ones who brought joy to her life. By the time she was watering the last of them; the cactus she loved so much, she was feeing a little better. Actually, much better. She felt that love ignited in her which had been dead for quite a time. And then she realized she was as famished as her plants. So, she went to the kitchen and ate an apple and made some coffee for herself. She lit the cigarette and sipped the coffee slowly with a blank, lost mind. The mess that the used tissue paper had made in her room had been so bothersome at the back of her head while she had small sips of her coffee and thick puff of the smoke. But she did not have the energy yet to do any physical activity. Instead, she prepared the tub for a hot dip and decided to first start with making her bed. A little relaxed now. She slipped off her gown and moved towards the tub. Oh! So warm water that first made her shudder. Feeling the hot water in her skin relaxed her even more. When she closed her eyes, it was as if an automated switch has been turned on which took her to the memories few weeks back….

Those were the days when she lived the life that of a junky, always high on cannabis. It was as if, she was not able to do anything without one smoke. So, imagine how addicted she was to it that panic attacks invited themselves rarely. But that day, it was different. She knew something strange that was happening to her, inside her body. For some unknown reasons, she would try to avoid that change but her mind would constantly remind of her that. Intuition let’s say. When she skipped her period, now she actually realized it is just not usual. Scared and anxious. More scared and anxious when red lines appeared in both the kits she used. Despite of the fear and anxiety, there was this deep-deep bliss she felt. Divine, womanhood and the selfless love was coming out for that little creature which even did not have a structure until now. That magical feeling about herself, her body, everything was so much blissful. But it is just so difficult to explain that feeling in words no matter how much you try. But then, there was this so called ‘social reality’ that existed and she was a part of it. She knew she would not be able to keep her first child, the first little one. The fact that she had this other soul inside her made her realize what love really felt like. It was completely different from the love she was always in search for, but never made her contented. But this warmth, this love she felt inside her was the most ecstatic feeling she ever felt. At the same time, she knew she had to let it go. No matter how strong she pretended to be, she knew she was nothing but a weak and just another ordinary person. And there was this society, always reaching out for their vulnerable prey so that they could attack exactly at the right point. After all we live in a society freedom exists only as a word. A society which has encrypted intellectually about women’s right to sexuality and reproduction in papers. But the same society shows no approval to this right.

She had to let go of this beautiful thing that was happening to her and invite more loneliness and more depression in her life. She had to let go of this part of her soul which was so much precious to her. And she also knew that after letting it go, she wouldn’t be the same person ever again. The physical pain was nothing compared to what she had to go through mentally and emotionally. She would have dreams about that unborn being and in those dreams, she would feel love, abundant love. And when reality appeared in front of her after she was back from the dream land, there was nothing but deep-deep void. Weeks went by with constant sleeping because she loved those beautiful dreams than the hard reality. Nevertheless, she also knew that she needs to get back to the same reality, same society and rise again, strong and irresistible.

This time, when her eyes opened as the water had started becoming cold now, it felt like she had just come out from a cocoon and transformed. Positivity filled her skin and bones. Gracefully getting out of the tub, she rolled the robe around her and stood in front of the mirror. The first thing she looked at was her eyes, which had a different light in it which she had never noticed before. It was that deep loneliness, but still full of love for the world around her. Not that hypocrite society that lived but for all those pure soles which still are small parts of it. She smiled this time, with the emptiness she felt within, because she knew; she knew that that very emptiness was her fuel to thrive. The fuel to her shattered soul which was ready to rise again.