Letter to Granny #4

Dear Granny,

Sorry, it's been so long. I felt like I had told you everything. Like my tears fueled the river of words that flowed so easily to you and now…Now my thoughts store back up in the clouds, waiting for the right moment to fall and flow again. I hope that makes sense Granny. Probably not huh? I realized something about me Granny, I am a commitment-phobe. I can never really seem to get too far in my relationships, projects, ideas. Anything. Once the hard work begins I am done. Can't seem to make it past two months.

And, if we’re (I) are being honest, it terrifies me. I feel like what if I never see it all come to fruition. The fantasies I keep in my head to anchor me when the waves of doubt and shame and fear overtake me is now gone. Leaving me frantic, grabbing for something to save me. Dating doesn't help. Addiction doesn't make it go away. Try to just stay positive, right? Wrong.

What if I never see my happy Granny? Ma told me that when you were diagnosed with cancer, that's what you asked. When were you going to get your happy? I see Ma fading away from hers. And me? I don't know if I’ll see it either. Probably couldn't identify it if it was standing in my face. What do I do Granny? What is even happiness, and how do I get mine before I leave this earth? I told myself that I’d get us our happy Granny, but now…now I don't know.

Ahhh but no no, no more grieving and griping from Me. I miss you. It feels good to have something to tell you. Ask God to tell me what happiness is and what is love…sorry. I had to throw that in you. I love you deeply!!

Constantly in the middle of a crisis,
A.C.