Metamorphosis

Metamorphosis



I am nothing.
Drowning.
Gravity multiplied
in leaden water,
weighed down by
guilt for not feeling guilty
at all.
No sunlight penetrates
inky liquid. No life lives
here in the depths.
Sinking.
No flailing of arms
or legs: they are paralyzed.
Not with fear.
Muscles feel no impulse
to move. Nerve endings
ended. No reason to
reach a surface
slicked with blood.
The shark swims up there,
not here. It can no longer
reach out to tear or sink
its teeth into whatever is left of me.

I thought
cocooning under five blankets
would keep me safe,
would deaden the blows.
I thought
agreeing with everything said
would create a cushion.
I thought wrong.
It didn't matter
what I said
or didn't say;
what I did
or didn't do.

I was wrong.
I was stupid.
I couldn't do anything right.
I wasn't good enough.
I wasn't pretty enough.
I wasn't anything enough.

It was my fault.

Buried alive.
Pressure building.
Two-hundred pounds
pressing down on
my chest,
my throat.
I just want to sleep.
I don't want to die.
But. I think I am.
Don't think I have a choice.

All because
I was wrong.
I was stupid.
I couldn't do anything right.
I wasn't good enough.
I wasn't pretty enough.
I wasn't anything enough.

It was my fault.

A mantra I heard
day in,
day out.
Ad nauseum.

A crackle.
Twigs snapping.
Ocean surges.
Waves throw me to the shore.
Still can not breathe.
But the shark is gone;
seeking other prey
or to find an answer to prayer
in a bottle of Jamison's.

Choice. Choose.
Black lights dance
when I open my eyes.
Trying to move
proves
nerve endings
can scream louder than I.

Car keys.
Purse.
Can barely move
but impulse outranks
pain or fear.

New mantra:
get away get away get away.
I'm okay, Get away. I'm okay.
I do, but I'm not.
Hospital admits me
as Jane Doe.
Police officer moves my car elsewhere.
They take pictures of
bruises, copies of x-rays.
Thirty days.
Jail for him.
Hospital/rehab/therapy for me.
Quite sure
I got more help than he did.


Arrangements.
Life rearranged.
Got my dog.
Got away.
Got better.

Sixteen years pass.
Different dog.
Different man.
Different me.


All because:
I was not wrong.
I was not stupid.
I can do anything.
I am good enough.
I am pretty enough.
I am everything enough.

I am me.