Beren the Bear

Reviewer Notes: All criticism is welcomed as long as it's constructive. You are more than welcome to review everything including grammar. The real focus I would like to see is what you found interesting, what parts seemed confusing or made you pause a moment to reread. Also any suggestions on maybe better word choice or ways to improve the flow of writing is welcomed. Thanks in advance for taking your time to read my writing, and I do hope you enjoy the content. :)

Contest Setting:

An enchanted land where beasts roam the earth

Welcome to Veren, where you, as an aspiring mercenary Captain, step onto the shores of the New World in hopes of following in the footsteps of Lara Malorn. Not only is she a mercenary commander known throughout the land, but she's also your mother, and expectations of your abilities are high.


You are in possession of the Beastmaster’s Spark. When your settlements are raided while you're away, tragedy strikes - your mother is captured and used as a blood sacrifice by Gideon Morvus. Now, with the livid fire in your heart and the thirst for revenge coursing through your veins, you must gain the strength you need to defeat Morvus and keep him from taking control of the ancient being Shivara.

The early hours of dawn came rushing up from the cold night. Beren had been riding hard all night. He began to worry about Snowfoot for the last hour. His long black mane whipping his face as he stooped low in his saddle. Snowfoot's jet black body rushing through the wind hidden in the night all except his snow white cloved feet which was the reason he had been given his name.

Beren knew it was folly to push such a loyal beasts to it's limits. But ever since sunset when he saw the smoke rising into the sky, like some kind of black tornado of in pending doom. He knew the location it shot upwards. It was his homeland Argoth. Regret hung low in his heart for leaving his mother at her time of need.

Yet it had to be done. It had nearly been a century since one of the affinity towers had sprung to life. A slern tower with its bright purple gem suspended on it's top called to him. He could feel it's pulse within his blood. The Beastmaster spark ignited in him when he saw its purple glow that first night. He knew he had to go see what made it activate it's dark crystal.

Still, knowing who he was, and his oath to become a Beastmaster when it called still didn't lesson the worry in his heart...

As Snowfoot galloped over the drawbridge he cried out in the dark silence, "Mother! Mother!" Beren shouted hysterically. Snowfoot came to a quick halt at the castle's door as if he too had sensed the danger that had passed within these walls. Beren leaped off and rushed upwards past the broken doors and up the stair case.

He came to his mother's bedroom the door laid on the stone floor as if it had been blown off it's hinges. "Mother, no..." his words trailed off as he knelt next to her lifeless body. He turned her over and then saw her face which felt like years had passed. Laura's long chestnut curls reached to the floor as he held her head up with his left hand. She had such a beautiful dark complexion. But what he saw this time sent chills down his spine.

Queen Lara Malorn's face was pale with an eary glow from the moonlight shining through the stone tower window. Her eyes sunken and scorched, completely white as if her beast spark had been drained from within. In that instant he knew who was to blame. A fire began deep inside his heart. His face grew a dark crimson. Only one name came to his thoughts.

Gideon Morvus....

(To be continued)

Example.2

Beren laid motionless on top the Vorm tower. Hands and legs spread eagle within the white triangle patterns. The trance came on him like a dream. The resonating hum from the red crystal that hung by iron chains suspended under the tower canopy activated his beast spark.

The vision became clear, it was night the blood bond between him and Wortan grew stronger. The giant eagle's eyes opened wider letting the full moon's light sharpen the images down below. A scene played out in circular patterns as Wortan outreached his wings to the furthest length, hovering like a vulture searching for it's next carcass...

Gideon stood on the temple platform. The horn ram skull helmet danced in the shadows like a demon celebrating a night of mischief. The enormous bonfire behind Gideon eminated a fierce heat on his back. The spark's power running through his blood grew in vigor from the flames reaching outward.

His incantations fluctuated in intensity as he waved a dark obsidian blade that seemed to cast an eldritch glow. Lara felt helpless as she stood their bound to the stone totem, wrapped in sinew cords so tight she could no longer feel her hands by her sides.

The child lay still inside her womb for the past day began to stir. 'Impossible!' She told herself, Laura swore that the unborn child was stillborn due to the trauma she suffered while being captured.

The ram headed figure pulled a giant toad out of a water pit near the bonfire and with the knife stabbed it in the stomach. A green ooze substance shot out and landed onto Lara's exposed belly. A clay ornated pitcher below gathered the remaining green liquid that flowed from the dying toad. She could feel the baby stretch out enthralled in the beastmaster spark. She was amazed at this possibility. Never had she heard through the milleniums of one of her kind engaging their spark at a young age and especially while still in the womb.

Her eyes began to tear up, a sense of time nearing end weighed heavy in her soul. Lara began to find it more difficult to breathe every passing second. Then she saw the leather hooded figure approach her from behind. The figure was naked except a small loincloth resting between her thighs.

As the figure pulled back her head and laughed into the night, Lara recognized the voice almost instantly. It was the vile witch Xeonys. Seductively the witch moved around Gideon who grew excited as she clasps both her hands between his chest and slowly inched further lower to his mid section. She gave a soft laughed as she pulled away, disappointment seen in his face.

The witch grabbed the pitcher from the floor and began to slowly pour it's contents onto her chest. Her stomach began to grow in size. She grew excited, caressing her breasts. Each hand rubbing over her now perked nipples. She turned in a swift motion back towards Gideon, pitcher falling onto the slime covered stone below.

As soon as the clay pieces shattered apart. Lara felt a piercing pain. An instant of emptiness engulfed her. And then she felt the unborn child was no longer within her. The beast spark they shared was now gone. Xeonys laughed once more rubbing her own expanding stomach in circular motions flaying her body in an act of triumph.

Gideon held out the knife to Xeonys. She grabbed it by its leather wrapped hit, turning back to the bound woman now moaning in pain. A quick motion, a flash of ebony and fire shined on its razor sharp blade as it sliced across Lara's neck.

Lara Malorn felt the hot liquid ebb out of her, rolling down her now empty stomach. Her eyes grew heavy the pain beginning to lessen, a welcomed sleep eternal. Then all was blackness.

Gideon walked close to the witch from behind, grabbing her chest with both hands, he leaned close to hear left ear. His tongue darted out with a swift lick on her ear lobe. Then he spoked, "it is done."

Beren Malorn woke from the trance his back arching upwards. Lines of blood traced down the sides of his mouth. His eyes opened as if rising from water, bloodshot with red reflections from the now pulsating Vorm crystal. The pain from the spark racing through his veins was almost too much.

The last thing one could hear in the now silent night was his screams of vengeance.

"Gideon Morvus, I am coming for you! You will pay for this... you all will pay for this."

The Year 2254 of the 4th age House of Bear

(To be continued)