red

i bring out the blade
i am sure of what i’m doing
i pull my sleeve down
and cut

i dig the tip into my skin
and watch the silver glide
as a stream of blood runs down my wrist

i don't feel anything
i am numb
as i watch the blood flow
i pick up the blade
and dig
and glide
again and again
and again

i finally start feeling
i am relieved
i’m free
the bad is flowing out of me
and i watch it pour
i watch it slide off my wrist
and onto the dark hardwood floor

as i stare
it’s like my eyes
light my skin on fire
it’s burning
and the red turns into black
i’m charred
and scarred
permanently marked

the realization of what i’ve done hits me like a train
a train
a train that has been derailed
deranged
i laugh
as tears start pouring
and i melt
into a pool of madness
i sit here
lost in a sea of red
and tortured beauty
wondering
why do i feel great?