The Town That Was Mad - Part One

         FIRST VOICE

Time passes.

Listen.

Time passes.

Let us now turn several pages of the White Book of Llareggub, detailing as it does the myriad doings, the comings and goings, trials and tribulations, births, marriages, deaths, dreams and infidelities of the folk of this small town. All lovingly recorded in the fair hand of the Reverend Eli Jenkins.

         SECOND VOICE

The town’s inhabitants are about their usual morning bustle and business. Yet something about this one Summer's day is not at all as usual.

         FIRST VOICE

Mrs. Pugh, nag-wife of Schoolmaster, (and by-the-by, her would-be poisoner), Mr. Pugh, demands her glasses and looks out to see.

         MRS PUGH

It is half past eight, and Mary Ann Sailors is not at her window. God rest her poor soul.

         MR PUGH

She might just be ill dear.

         MRS PUGH (With acid certainty)

No. She has departed this world for a better, I’m sure.

         MR PUGH

If you say so dear.

         SECOND VOICE

Mrs Pugh is correct for in the bar of the Sailors Arms, sits Sinbad Sailors, Grandson and sole heir of the late Mary Ann Sailors. He is deep in his cups of mourning.

         SINBAD SAILORS

The Sailors Arms is closed today. My Grandma has died aged eighty-eight years, four months and six days. It’s a mark of proper respect.

[Brief pause]

Sup up lads. Let’s drink to Grandma’s memory.


         SECOND VOICE

In Bethesda House, the Reverend Eli Jenkins fastidiously blots the ink that records the final entry of the late Mary Ann Sailors in his White Book. As he does so, he murmurs.


         REV. ELI JENKINS

God gathers us all to his tender breast.


         FIRST VOICE

And outside the Sailors Arms, darkly gleaming in the morning sunshine, the venerable hearse of Evans the Death, slides up respectfully. A small dapper man in tail coat, (made much taller by his stove-like top hat), charcoal gloves and shoes that are twin dark mirrors, Evans clears his throat, then glides silent and Dignified, into the Sailors Arms.

         SECOND VOICE

To make arrangements.

[Brief pause]

         FIRST VOICE

Captain Cat.

         SECOND VOICE

Listens.

         CAPTAIN CAT

Footsteps.

That’s not someone I know.

Who is it?

A stranger.

They’re going to Mrs. Ogmore-Pritchard’s.

Ho ho! A fine frosty welcome they’ll get from that starchy old besom.

[Firm and confident knocking on door]

[Footsteps approaching. Then door opening.]

         MRS OGMORE-PRITCHARD (Coldly)

Yes?

         RHYS GRIFFITHS

Good morning. Mrs. Ogmore-Pritchard is it? My name is Griffiths Mrs. Ogmore-Pritchard, Rhys Griffiths. I’m from Swansea and I would very much like to rent one of your rooms. Only you come highly recommended as keeping a very clean house and I’m most particular about my lodgings. They simply have to be clean. It’s something that I insist upon. You have a room free of course, it being off-season. Oh good. I shall be staying a month and will be paying in advance of course. I’m here on holiday you see. Actually it’s doctors orders. Said I needed a break from the office and positively insisted, and well here I am you see. May I see my room now please?

[Door closing]

         CAPTAIN CAT (Whistles softly to himself)

Well I never did. How did he manage that?

         FIRST VOICE

Ghostly in the garden, the shades of the late Mr. Ogmore and the late Mr. Pritchard, both, formerly, husband to the formidable woman who now bears both their names, are in an unusual state of consternation at this most unexpected turn of events.

         MR PRITCHARD (Astonished)

Did you see that Mr. Ogmore?

         MR OGMORE

Indeed I did Mr. Pritchard.

         MR. PRITCHARD

She let him in.

         MR OGMORE

To Bay View.

         MR PRITCHARD

She hasn’t had a guest since before you died Mr Ogmore.

         MR OGMORE

I know Mr. Pritchard. She didn’t like them messing up her nice clean sheets.

         MR PRITCHARD

Let us go in and see what is happening.

After you Mr. Ogmore.

         FIRST VOICE

And invisible in the bright morning sunlight they insubstantially drift into the house, where Mr. Griffiths is, against all expectations, examining his room.

         RHYS GRIFFITHS

Oh yes. This is excellent. Very clean. Nice sea view. This will do perfectly. I’ll just pop my things away tidy like, and then I’ll take a turn along the sea-front I think. Thank you Mrs. Ogmore-Pritchard. I’m sure that we’ll become great friends during my stay. Now what time is dinner?

         SECOND VOICE

And an increasingly flustered Mrs. Ogmore-Pritchard who has thus far found herself increasingly wrong-footed by her guest. Her hand holding a wad of crisp new notes, finds herself saying.

         MRS OGMORE-PRITCHARD

Would six o'clock be acceptable?

         RHYS GRIFFITHS

Perfect. Well I’m sure I can amuse myself until then. I shalln’t be under your feet Mrs. Ogmore-Pritchard. Doctor’s orders you see. I must get out, he positively insists. Lots of walking, fresh air and suchlike.

         FIRST VOICE

Mrs. Ogmore-Pritchard like some suddenly toothless dragon finds herself ushered politely, but firmly, out of one of her caves.

         MR OGMORE

I would never have believed it Mr. Pritchard.

[Brief pause]

Mr. Pritchard?

         MR PRITCHARD

I suddenly feel all faint like Mr. Ogmore.

         MR OGMORE

It’s the shock Mr. Pritchard. Let us retire to the woodshed. I’m sure that you’ll feel better there.

         FIRST VOICE

Like vigorous tongues of flame licking greedily through a field of tinder dry bracken, soon all the town is ablaze with the hot news that Bay View has a guest.

         SECOND VOICE

In Mrs. Organ Morgan’s general shop, Mrs Pugh is already asking questions.

         MRS PUGH

And what does he look like then? This paying guest?

         SECOND VOICE

As Mrs. Organ Morgan's customers have talked of little else that morning, she has a ready answer.

         MRS ORGAN MORGAN

Mrs. Richards said she saw him and he looks a nice young man, probably in his early twenties. He’s tall and he has a mop of brown curly hair. Well dressed and a pleasant manner, she said.

         MRS PUGH

It would take more than good looks and a pleasant manner to get a room at Bay View.

         FIRST WOMAN

He must have a silver tongue at least.

         SECOND WOMAN

Did you hear Mary Ann Sailors has died?

         MRS ORGAN MORGAN

Oh it’s a terrible shame.

I hear Sinbad is drowning in sorrow.

         MRS PUGH (Snorts)

Men!

         FIRST WOMAN

Reverend Jenkins said she went very peacefully. Slipped away in her sleep.

         MRS PUGH

God rest her poor soul.

         FIRST VOICE

A hush falls over the women as the nice young man enters the shop.

         RHYS GRIFFITHS

Good morning. No. I tell a lie…

         SECOND VOICE

As he glances at his watch.

         RHYS GRIFFITHS

Good afternoon ladies.

         FIRST VOICE

As he flashes them a dazzling smile of clean strong teeth.

         RHYS GRIFFITHS

Do you have such thing as a notebook at all please?

         MRS ORGAN MORGAN

Yes. They’re..

Over there. Near the brown paper and sealing wax.

         RHYS GRIFFITHS

Ah perfect. Thank you, yes this will do splendidly. Now what do I owe you please?

         SECOND VOICE

And paying for his notebook. Mr. Griffiths leaves, smiling broadly to one and all as he does.


         MRS ORGAN MORGAN

What a charming young man.

         FIRST WOMAN

Such nice manners.

         SECOND WOMAN (A little acidly)

And a silver tongue.

         MRS PUGH

He’ll cause trouble I’m sure of it.

All men do.

         MRS ORGAN MORGAN (Tartly)

Oh Mrs. Pugh. You judge everyone by the standards of Mr. Pugh.

         MRS PUGH (With a sniff)

Good day.

[Sound of shop door opening, then closing with a bang]

         FIRST WOMAN

Mr. Pugh always wants to fly his standards at half mast for Mrs. Pugh.