The Disintegrated Person

                                                                                                    The disintegrated person

         I've been aware of all the horrific news items pertaining to the sexual victims of many power figures.... power figures who "traded" that power for unwilling victims, both male and female, for self-gratification.

         These new stories have made me angry enough to write the following........so people who've been lucky enough not to be abused can understand what sexual abuse does to a person.

         When you are abused, it changes you, it takes away parts of you that can never be returned.  It turns you into a different person.

         This abuse is insidious, it creeps into every part of your being.  Because of this, you are no longer able to make choices that benefit you.  You aren't worthy. So, you pick choices that continue the cycle.

         Sexual abuse makes your choices for you, choices that are self-defeating.

         If you manage to find some courage, you try counseling.... it will help.  But you can't erase the acts.  You can put together some sort of life if you resist choices that continue self-abuse. However, triggers can rear their ugly heads and remind you.  Smells, words, other people's actions, the triggers are numerous. These triggers come out of nowhere and slam into you. Your breathing increases, a weightless feeling comes over you, you try to maintain until the moment ends.  If you're paying attention, you can recognize these triggers and just wait them out. They diminish over time but never disappear.

         For most of us, you will always doubt yourselves.  The doubt makes you wonder if it really happened.  You don't talk about it much because you fear people won't believe you.  And, let's face it, most people would rather not talk about such a distasteful subject.

         Family members disappear because of doubt. Your social connections are reduced because you no longer trust. Your abuse has picked a lonely life for you, an isolated life.  People don't understand why you just can't "get over it".  On the surface you function, look the part of a healthy accomplished person.  But at night when you are by yourself, it's dark and full of pain.  You wonder what you did to deserve the abuse.  Did you invite it?  And the battle continues for a very long time.  Eventually you put a wall around the abuse but it never disappears

         The abused often if not mostly create a public persona.  This public persona is who people see in the workplace, the grocery store, the office.  The real you comes out after you go home to a safe sanctuary, a sanctuary you've created at the cost of every other goal.

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