Zombie Apocalypse Chili

Zombie Apocalypse Chili


• 4lbs ground meat. Any kind, you can’t afford to be picky. Just check the expiration date and the smell.
• 3 cans of beans. You probably already have them lurking in the back of the pantry, and they last a while.
• Dried onion flakes
• 2 packets of powdered chili seasoning mix
• One economy-size jar of tomato sauce
• Saltine crackers

Find the biggest pot in your kitchen. If you don’t have a big enough pot, clean out a metal trash can and light a fire underneath it.

Brown the meat first. You might question the logic of trying to avoid food poisoning when there are zombies breaking down the door to eat your brains, but it’s easier to run for your life when you’re not stopping to puke or shit every five minutes.

Open the beans. If you don’t have a can opener, get a hammer and a knife and pound the knife till it breaks the metal. Unless the can has one of those pull tabs, then just pull it.

Take a second to reflect on your life and your choices. It won’t do you any good or make the chili spectacular, but you might as well get in some reflection while you still can.

Dump everything into the pot or trash can. All at the same time. Stir it. If you don’t have a big enough wooden spoon, use a shovel.

Wait until it boils. While you’re waiting, ask yourself why you didn’t take the threat of a zombie apocalypse seriously.

When the bubbles start slowing down, it’s ready. Serve with crackers. If you don’t have crackers, drywall will suffice.

(Just kidding. Drywall tastes terrible.)

While you’re eating, think about how if you’d just listened to Mr. Wyland next door and joined the rest of the town on a trek to Alaska, you’d be eating freshly-caught fish with seasonal vegetables cooked in quality pots and pans instead of chili boiled in a trash can.

Guzzle a half a bottle of Pepto for dessert when you realize this is the closest thing to real food you’ll have until the zombies eat your brains.