A Big Deal

As Deidre looked at herself in the mirror, just before going to bed, her eyes widened slightly. “Hmph. I would have figured that I’d noticed this before now.” ‘This’ being the fact that her underwear was stretched about as far as her boobs stretched her shirt. Saying “Looks like I need to go lingerie shopping”, she let out a sigh. That was enough for a containment breach, and her penis was freed with a loud SHHRRIIPPP! Sighing again, she muttered, “Going commando tomorrow, I guess.” She turned off her bedroom lights and crawled into bed. A few minutes later, she was in a deep sleep.

A half hour later, a being wearing an orange outfit, with purple gloves, boots and a hat appeared, floating next to the bed in a meditation pose. He smirked down at the sleeping blonde. “You certainly don’t need to go out to buy any lingerie. I’ll get you a new pair, and you’ll be the talk of….well, everyone.” He snapped his fingers, and vanished.

After a long, and deep sleep, the blonde woke up. Looking at her alarm clock, she noticed that she had about two hours to get ready for work. As she swung her legs out and put her feet on the floor, she realized that she was wearing new underwear. She looked down in confusion. “The hell? Where did these come from?” They were pitch black, with tiny golden sparkles. She stood up, and pulled them off. Or, she tried, at any rate. Deidre grunted, and pulled as hard as she could, but, they weren’t coming off.
“What the fuck?”, she yelled.

Rob Larsen was woken by an earthquake. This was a rare event, since he lived in Chicago. His ‘Attack Of The 50 Foot Woman’ poster fell from the wall above his headboard, covering his head. Throwing it off, he ran out of his bedroom, and through the front door. “Thank fuck I fell asleep in the clothes I went to the bar in.”, he said. His next door neighbor, a skinny red haired guy named Jack, ran up to him. “Do you know what’s going on, dude?”, he said. “No!”, Jack yelled, “but, look.” He pulled out his smartphone, and turned it onto a local station’s webcast. “The mayor is telling all residents to remain calm. Panic will only make things worse.”, a balding man said, just barely keeping himself under control. Jack turned to a BBC livecast on YouTube. A blonde woman saw saying, “10 Downing Street still has not made an official statement on this worldwide phenomenon.” The two men could see that the newsroom she was in was shaking, as well. As soon as she stopped talking, it abruptly quit. Jack and Rob could only look at each other, in shock.

The blonde sighed in frustration, and walked to her closet. Opening the sliding door, she found it totally empty. She squeezed her eyes shut, and counted to ten. “This is a dream. This HAS to be a dream.” She left the room, moving to her kitchen. Opening the fridge, she saw it was filled with orange juice, milk, bacon. Opening the cupboards, she found they were filled to the brim, despite her not having gone shopping in three days. “OK, this proves this is a dream.” Fixing herself a bowl of cereal, she sat down and began to eat.


All was pandemonium. Buildings were ruined, their rubble having crushed cars, people and smaller buildings. The sound of sirens echoed in Rob’s ears. He looked up into the sky, for any sign of rescue helicopters. He gasped. Instead of blue, the sky was a kind of pinkish color. Words failing him, he shook Jack’s shoulder, pointing upwards. “What the shit…?”, the other man said. A curvy blonde ran up to the duo, showing them her own phone. “This is breaking news!”, the black haired woman on the screen said. “Scientists, using the James Webb Telescope, have uncovered something that is beyond shocking.” The screen turned to a picture of deep space. What had once been filled with blackness and stars, was now only some kind of near incomprehensibly huge flesh shaped thing. The picture moved, as the telescope was being adjusted. Soon, in the far off distance, could be seen an immense, planet sized, red thing. The picture flashed back to the black haired woman. “From what they can tell, the thing that is seemingly filling our solar system” she took a large, shaky, breath, “is a human penis.” Everything shook once again, but for a much shorter time, this time. Neither man even noticed.


Finishing her breakfast, Deidre looked out her kitchen window. Her eyes widened, as she saw nothing but a gray void. Momentarily forgetting her ‘this is all a dream’ hypothesis, she ran to her front door. Likewise, there was nothing but gray. Shaking her head, she muttered, “That’s right, this is all a dream.” There was a bright flash, and a tiny being, wearing a purple outfit with a purple bowler hat appeared, “Sorry, toots. Not a dream.” With that, a boxing glove flashed into being on his hand, and he punched her in the face. “OW! What the fuck?”, the blonde shouted. The little man laughed. “You said you needed new underwear, so I provided a pair. No thanks necessary.” The woman shook her head. “But, there should be my yard, and the street, and other shit, not this..void!”. She gestured wildly out towards said void. The tiny man smirked, “Well, that’s because of what your new undies are made of. Everything, that is.” She tilted her head to the side, like a confused dog. “..wat.” He let out a raucous laugh. “That’s right. Everything that is, the entire universe,” He pointed at the underwear. “is that.” Deidre still stared at him. “But, hey!”, he smiled. “Let’s not be so gloom and doom!” He snapped his fingers again, and the blonde felt her dick grow bigger. She let out a long, low, moan. “Let’s make this more interesting.”, the man smirked. He snapped his fingers again. With a loud,”OHH FUUCKK!”, the blonde woman had the most intense orgasm of her life.

Rob and Jack were still staring at the phone’s screen, when a roaring thunder assaulted their ears. The woman covered hers, dropping the phone. It sounded louder than a million jet planes taking off. Suddenly a voice so loud that it sent everyone to their knees, bellowed “OHH FUUCKK!!” The curvy woman was the first to regain her feet, picking up her phone. The screen was, once again, tuned to the galaxy spanning genitalia. From the red thing in the vast distance, a torrent of white fluid large enough to drown the Earth many times over erupted. Just as it was close enough to do so, it disappeared.


Deidre gasped loudly, as her heart rate returned to normal. “What… what did you do?” The small man giggled. “Why, I gave you an experience no one will ever, no one could ever have. You just fucked all of existence, blondie. The entire universe.” She shook her head. “That’s insane! This is all insane!” He grinned. “Just focus your mind, blondie. Look down at your new duds.” Despite what she had just said, she did so.
Tiny voices filtered into her ears. “oh, god. what is happening? “ A woman’s voice. A man’s said, “what did we do to deserve this?” A weird kind of choking sound, followed by an image of what looked like a green pile of slime with tentacles. The sounds became English. “oh great zarton, seer of all. what have we done to anger you?” Her eyes widened. “Wha...what..?” “

The little man laughed, again. “Those are the beings that inhabit your underwear. I mean the universe.” He shrugged. “Same difference, I guess. Well, gotta go!” Deidre shouted, “Wait! If… if this is all real, what do I do? How do I make everything do back to the way it was?” His face contorted into a sinister grin. “My dear, you can’t. Have fun being reality’s new goddess! Don’t worry though, I’ll let you keep your ability to hear them. You can even talk back! None of that ‘mysterious and unknowable god’ stuff for you. And a gift!” He waved his hand, and a black shirt appeared on her chest. The white words that were distorted by her chest read, “I’M KIND OF A BIG DEAL”. With a last laugh, the orange and purple dressed man vanished. Looking down at her underwear, looking down at the entire universe, the new goddess said, “Sorry about this. I’ll do my best to take care of you all.”