Away [freeverse]

Day 1
I'm sorry.
Not for all of it.
The worst parts I'm sorry about because I didn't mean for that to happen, but I can't change it.

I'm sorry I let you play me.
I'm sorry for assuming you could change
(the way I wanted you to)
Really I'm sorry for almost getting you hurt.
But maybe now you'll get mental help.
See a doctor or something?
(I don't mean to be rude here, but somehow
I know you need it.)
Learn how to heal the others, If that's what they want.
I'm afraid I've always healed better alone Which I'm sure won't bother you.Thanks for caring about me
(Not loving, you told me you
Never loved me.)
But whatever you feel right now, I felt that for months.
I don't know why I stayed Maybe I hoped you were different.
I came back because I thought you might tell the truth.
(I needed to hope you would)
And I wanted to ask if you cared.
But this is too much.
Every second I see you reminds me of
Everything.
Every glance at your pictures.
Every time I look over and see your shirt
(On my floor)
Every dollar in my bank account.
Every photo in my camera roll.
(Not just the ones of you)
I was obsessed with you
Like you wanted, at the least.

Wish it could be different.
Or there could be a lifetime where it works out.
I guess
It's too much for me
(Away)

Day 4
I'm sorry it all had to be like this
(why am I always the one apologizing)
I really do wish we ended on good terms.
I wish I never found out you Cheated and we stayed together forever. But you'd just be lying to me about Loving me and I'd be the only one who was happy.
(Away)

Day 12
It's been 2 weeks.
Almost.
Not even.
I want to move on.
Why won't my heart let you go?
I still wake up crying for you.
I still dream about you.
I can't sleep because I know I'll see you if I close my eyes.
I hate you but you
Are still everything to me.
I hope that stops one day.
I doubt it will.
I'll probably love you forever.
Which is ironic because you never loved me.
And you'll never see these so I can say whatever I want I guess.
I love you ///.
I miss you.
I miss you saying it back.
I fucked up letting my anger get the best of me.
(you deserved it but I know I was in the wrong with how I handled it)
I'm sorry
(only one apologizing)
I'll never get an apology from you but
I feel better saying all that.
Even if it's to nobody.

Day 14

Sometimes I wish there was a way To be okay without you.
But every person I've spoken to And reached out to Feels empty.
I feel like a part of Me is missing Without you.
It sucks because all I wanted Was to be able to move on.
And I'm still stuck seeing your Face every time I close my eyes.
I can't find what I Thought we had With anyone else.
Maybe if you had been Honest to me, I would hate you enough now To let you go Like everyone else.
(you were honest to them)
I have journals you know
This just
Feels better.
I know you won't ever actually Come back and see it.
Or you'll delete your account.
Or maybe
Somehow
You're still seeing these.
Which would be... Embarrassing...
I don't deny that what I did was fucked up.
I'm a petty ass bitch when it comes down to it.
You'd have seen it eventually.
I feel like you Ripped out my heart.
And the hole where it once was Decays more every day.
I hope one day I can forget and care About someone again like I did with you.
But it all feels useless.
She's chill tho.
I mean.. not chill... she's a Lil psycho. But it's fun to talk to her.
He and I still talk too.
I talk to everyone still just
Not as much.
I feel like I'm burdening everyone
How I used to burden you.
And I just want to cut everyone off and crash my car into Something Sharp and Jagged so I don't have to feel so alone anymore.
But hey.
I'm rambling.
And using this stupid chat as an outlet thing.
So maybe I can chill out.
I should probably see a therapist.

I hope you're doing okay with whatever.
If your new job is good.
If your band is still making music.
Do you have time to practice with the job?
Have you moved on already?
Do you ever miss me anymore or anyone else or was that just a game?
(too)
I dunno.
Not like I knew you much before.
Ah,
If you saw this you'd probably say
"stop texting me bro you're annoying as fuck you wanted to break up so why are you hitting me up like a fucking loser?"
(and honestly, )
I don't know.
Just feel like you were and still are the only person I'm able to trust.
Even if now you're not a real person and just an empty chat room.
Not even tired but I'll stop bothering "you"
Until the next time I can't eat or sleep or breathe without
Pretending you're still around.
(I always pretended you were around. It feels like home here)
Deuces

(Away)

Day 15
No meds so
I'm back
Just hope you're doing okay at school

(Away)

Whelp.
Life sucks again.
I know you don't really care anymore.
It's just nice to talk to you.
I keep thinking I'm good
And then suddenly I crash and here I am
On my knees again
Waiting.
I get it you know.
I fucked up.
Not
As much as you
I'm sure you're aware.
But I feel so disgusting thinking of anyone but you
And the voices in my head keep telling me I need you, so.
I guess I do for now.
Still waiting to forget
(Everyone keeps saying I'll forget eventually)
You know
Obviously
This isn't going to help me forget you
But maybe I can get over you
Every time I pretend to text you
And you don't reply.
I wonder if you miss me at all.
I was fine without you.
I didn't ever need you.
I got caught up in you.
Now you're all I fucking think about and
I miss you.
I hate you.
So why?
Fml.
(Away)