Pet Peeves

My wife and I don’t have a pet,
no, not one with four feet.
My wife has many pet peeves, though.
Well… some I can’t repeat.

It seems I can’t do anything
that doesn’t bother her.
No matter how I try my best,
I’m never right, no sir.

She doesn’t like the way I chew.
She tells me I’m too loud.
She says I’m like a basset hound.
That doesn’t make me proud.

And then there are the times I snore.
Hey, I don’t hear a thing.
Another pet peeve that she has
is when I try to sing.

She claims I always sing off key.
I’m sure that she is right.
But is it really bad enough
to get into a fight?

She doesn’t like the way I dress,
the colors that I wear.
And when I say, “What’s wrong with this?”
Well, you should hear her swear.

And then there are some petty things,
like not closing a drawer,
or humming while I wash my hands.
Oh, there are many more.

There are so many, many things
that get under her skin.
I couldn’t really count them all.
You know I just can’t win.

I have a pet peeve of my own,
by now you may have guessed.
Yeah, it involves this wife of mine.
(I don’t mean how she’s dressed.)

Oh, no, the thing that drives me nuts
is all her pet peeves talk.
I wish she’d put them on a leash
and take them for a walk.

A long walk.