Lost Forever

Lost Forever

At the bus stop
My worn through sneakers stop short of the covered bench
Her bleached hair, short skirt and spiked heels tell her age better than the lines in her face
I take a step closer
She looks up
Our hands tremble
Mine holding out a child's card I've tried so hard to fill with love
the one I'd made for Rachel, who'd given me life thirteen years before the one who's never loved me back
Hers, smell of men and twisted dreams
they reach for a gift from the daughter she should have had
the one standing a heartbeat away
Our eyes meet
Mine fill with love for my should-have-been mother
the one who would have read "Good Night Moon" to me as I waited for
the one who never would have made me wait until I was seven and could read it to myself
Hers fill with pain
from bedtime stories forever left unread
from a million hugs and kisses never given, and never received
We cry
Me for the life I've never been allowed to have with her
my real life
not the fake one, the make-believe one, the one I'll always remember She for her broken life that never should have been
a life of abuse, a life of addiction, a life without love
One that having me would have changed in every way
We leave each other
Me boarding the bus for home,
wondering why my soul had been given to the child in Rachel's womb and not to the daughter she never had
She clutching the card to her heart
watching me go, watching my bus disappear into the traffic, forever lost.