The Truth About Healing

Every part of me right now is longing, prepared for transformation. I am consistently upset by the same toxic traits. I've developed a strong distaste for poor communication and immaturity. I am ready for so much more, I'm ready to be more. It's time to start the next chapter and ascend to a higher level.

I have been reminiscing memories from childhood, realizing how much can change in ten years. Where do I want to be in ten years?

I'm in my final year of fellowship. I wake up each morning and tell myself "I'm so close." Accomplishing a dream I've had since I watched my only grandfather lose the fight to brain cancer. He always told me I'd cure cancer someday. He would encourage me to prioritize my education and career and become the first female in my family line to obtain a degree. I think ten years ago, I struggled to believe I would make it to where I am today. Eleven years ago I almost died. How much can change in ten years.
Everything began changing when I fully began to believe in myself, when I developed confidence and realized making mistakes is okay, when I realized my value regardless of the influencing by others from the past that did denied it or could not see it. This is when it all changed. I have sacrificed and accomplished so much in my last ten years of of my journey to becoming a physician. I rely on the my core essences and maintaining distance from the toxic past version of myself that I had to abandon in order to succeed-- compassion, empathy, strong work ethic, patient, intelligent, perceptive. These traits of have been true of me since I can remember. This is me, regardless of what anyone says or mistakes I may make along the way. Humility is key. These are qualities I should never have to convince someone to believe about me. People who do not recognize who I am at my core, who take advantage of one of the core essences, or have are ill intentioned are kept at a distance. I have learned to trust myself and my inner guide. I have great intution, but I've had to abandon toxic, learned traits in order to ascend into a higher level of existence. Insecurity, jealousy, overcompetitiveness, negtivity, gossiping, drama, depression, laziness, overgiving, abusing substances -- I left it all behind. I was not born with those qualities. In order to separate myself from them, I had to accept that they were characteristics conditioned into me from my lifelong environment. It took me years to decondition myself but I did the honest work. I am strong, I can rely on myself. I have saved myself from death and protected myself. I am independent, fully satisfied and functional without any other humans. I am able to set boundaries and enforce and maintain them. I am profesional, driven, and I can't wait to see what I can contribute to society in the next ten years in my 40s. I have reached a higher level of peace by distancing myself from drama and negativity. I learn my lesson quickly when I make mistakes and I do not let them define me, my worth, or my ability to improve. I remain open minded, and nonjudgemental. Judging and comparing myself to others was a draining task that I do not have energy for anymore. I am so grateful I can travel to new places and see the world when I get time off of my job. I am thankful for the opportunities I've been given to make positivie contributions to my community. I teach, research, operate, and practice. I am continuously learning better ways to care for my patients. I do not let mistakes destroy me, rather I see the value in them to teach and humble me. Lastly, I fully recognize and acknowledge that everything will make sense in the end, everything will fall into place and eventually workout in my best interest because we are all just unique energies existing in a human body experience.
I used to write letters to my ex girlfriend who I thought I was going to marry. Now I write love letters to myself. Here is one I always come back to in my low moments:

Dear Self,


Right now, you may feel depressed and lost. You are at the edge of a cliff, and if you jump, you're uncertain of the consequences. Be brave, muster up some confidence, rely on yourself, lean into your core essences. You will get better everyday at caring for people and protecting yourself from harm. Breathe, take it one day at a time, even if you have to break it down into one step at a time. One hour at a time. Everything will add up, fall into place, everything is working out for your good. You have always had so much passion and love, however immaturity has caused you to misplace this energy and effort. As you grow up, you will get better at channeling the energy to where it needs to go in order to grow you. Think about 15 to 25 years old. How much different 35 is from being 25 and totally lost. Everything is about to be different, hold on for a little while longer. Continue to clean up your own messes, learn from mistakes, stay humble and above everything else, stay kind. Do not become jaded. It's time for healing, time to fix what has been broken too long. But remember to take the steps forward, even if it means leaving pieces of yourself behind that where used for so long to protect yourself as you were growing up. You are an adult now, so toxicity and insecurity aren't healthy or helpful traits to have any longer. It's okay to be kind and forgive yourself and give yourself breaks. If you really listen to yourself, you will know when it is time to shed old layers of yourself, even if it means being vulnerable for a time. You'll be a much stronger person in the end for it, I promise. It is frightening to abandon what feels safe, but it is only temporary in order to contribute to something bigger than yourself. Remember your energy is contributing to a larger cosmic energy. It needs to be positive energy to bring about good change. You've been at low points before, This isn't your first heart ache. This is not the first time you've completely had to rely on no one but yourself. And you've made it through everything, overtime. You've let it make you better not bitter. Keep moving forward and forget the feeling of everyone negative in your past. Keep them as distant memories, they're nothing to be scared of. Keep looking forward and never back. If you're tried of reliving the same situations over, it's time to change something. Use it as an opportunity to improve. Let toxic people operate on a lower energy level, but don't get stuck there with them. Remember to prioritize yourself and don't fall for lies. If you mistake someone's character, quickly readjust the relationship and move on without being too hard on yourself about the misunderstanding. Keep operating on the higher energy levels where the people that reside here with you are wise, mature, open minded, direct, intelligent, empathetic. You will keep attracting more friends and acquaintances into your life when you are consistently placing effort into becoming a better, healthier version of yourself. People that prove they are unhealthy for you, set a boundary and love from a distance. Someday the anger will dissolve, the intense bitterness will dissipate. And all that will be left is a person who knows how to care for people and her patients without destroying or draining herself in the process. You are ready to be her. You'll do whatever it takes to be her.

Love,
Ava