Where's the Beef?

“23 Cows Are Missing”

“Is that the headline we’re going with for the front page?”

“Too click-baity?”

“Mmm, maybe. Is twenty-three a number or spelled out?”

“Number.”

“Donald’s gonna say something…”

“He can say whatever he wants. Numbers work better for headlines. It’s been proven.”

“Okay. I’ll make sure I have the cited research ready. But, you know, I feel like the title could be shorter. Snappier, even.”

“It’s clear and concise: there are twenty-three Hereford cattle missing from Grantland Farms. What’s a better way to say that?”

“23 Cows Gone.”

“That makes it sound like aliens took them.”

“How?”

“Jerry…”

“No, seriously, how does it sound like an alien abduction when you swap out the words ‘are missing’ for ‘gone’?”

“I can’t explain it. It just… Where’s my drink?”

“What?”

“My drink, my coffee. Where is it?”

“Did you order one today?”

“Is today a weekday? Of course I ordered one. I took a sip from it a few minutes ago. Remember when I yelled out after burning my tongue?”

“Oh. I wasn’t, you know, right here at that moment. I thought you had bent your fingernail again while trying to remove a staple.”

“You know how much that hurts?”

“Just use the thing.”

“It bruises the paper! No, my coffee. Where is it? What’d you do with it?”

“Me? I just told you I didn’t even see you with a coffee. I thought…”

“Jer, if you think I’m going to get through the rest of the day - or even the next hour - without my coffee, you are mistaken.”

“New headline idea: Where’s The Brew?”

“You think this is funny? That someone could steal my drink? I spent fifteen bucks on that.”

“Fifteen?! You spend that every day on coffee?”

“It’s not just coffee, man.”

“No, Sime, please tell me what’s in this magical fifteen dollar beverage that you buy every single day. The news can wait.”

“Maybe it can, but I can’t. Who else is here?”

“I don’t know. Janitor? Rachel? The Lesters. Donald, maybe?”

“Do you seriously not know the janitor’s name? It’s Carl.”

“Oh. I thought it was Buddy, actually.”

“For real? It says ‘Buddy’ on his jumpsuit because they hire out from Buddy Custodial Services.”

“You think a lot of those guys get called ‘Buddy’?”

“Who the hell cares? Did you say Rachel? You think she’s here? She got my drink order mixed up with her’s a couple weeks ago. I think she may have got hooked but doesn’t want to pony up the twenty bucks every day.”

“I thought you said it was fifteen?”

“You gotta tip, Jer!”

“Well… from here, her desk looks empty but I guess that only proves she may have taken it and started guzzling it in private.”

“You’re loving this, aren’t you?”

“Not really, no. You spend twenty bucks on coffee every day but couldn’t be bothered when my son was selling wrapping paper last year.”

“This again.”

“Yes, Sime. This again. You’re my best friend here and I know you treat everyone else that way, but me? Cody was crushed, you know.”

“I think that may have been on you. I didn’t see anyone else bringing their kids to the office to sell their school fundraising wares. Focus up. Could the Lesters have my coffee? I thought they were Mormons or something.”

“Lester Y. is, not Lester Q. But they could still both be suspects.”

“How?”

“Well, Lester Y. may be trying to save you from eternal damnation by denying you your twenty dollar beverage, and Lester Q. might have just wanted it for himself. Although unless you have a cold, you would’ve smelled Lester Q. anywhere near your desk.”

“Hmm, that’s true.”

“Your boy bathes in that Gucci cologne.”

“And I truly doubt it was Lester Y., then. That leaves Rachel and Donald.”

“Or Carl.”

“Since I actually call him ‘Carl’ and not ‘Buddy’, I don’t think it was him.”

“Maybe his name isn’t really ‘Carl’ and he’s mad at you for calling him the wrong name from the beginning? Because now that I’m thinking about it, I feel like his nametag say ‘Carlos’.”

“Are you sure that’s not your latent racism making you say that?”

“What’s racist about it?”

“You’re just assuming that, because he’s a janitor that he’s Mexican or something.”

“Where is this getting us? Carl didn’t take it. It was right here a few minutes ago. I burned my tongue when I took my first sip because apparently Jennifer is working down in the cafe and she always scorches my twenty-five dollar drink. So I went to get some water, ran into to you to talk about the headline, and now we’re at my desk and my coffee was gone when we got here.”

“Great summation. Donald took it.”

“How could you possibly…”

“I can see him drinking it now in his office. Plus, see that Post-It?”

“‘Simon, borrowed caf payback later headline? D.’ Oh.”

“So that was a pointless exercise.”

“No, I guess it helped me realize I’m focusing on the wrong things.”

“And that you spend too much on coffee every day.”

“Did you say there was a better headline for my missing cows story? What did we settle on?”

“Where’s the Beef?”

“That’s dumb. Oh, I remember. 23 Cows Are Missing.”



Word Count: 881