Lily

         

Lily

Bumble bee cotton sheets. A portrait of a blue teddy bear with a missing eye tilted slightly against muddy, grey walls. A mustard-colored ceiling, stained brown in the right top corner. Bright yellow curtains which make the room brighter than it should be when closed. One broken lamp on the desk, a desk dressed with piles of books of, mostly nonfiction.
This is my room.
A smile finds its way to my lips as I take in the sweet smell of my lavender-scented blanket. I missed this cosy, cuddly feeling. The feeling of... home.
"Lily!"
That is my mother's voice, scratchy and hoarse. The cause is probably genetics. She has always sounded like this for as long as I can remember.
Wait a minute, I'm home.
I erupt out of bed; my woollen carpet engulfs my feet. It tickles in between my toes, which makes it feel as though I'm walking on clouds. I imagine that is what walking on clouds must feel like. I rush over to the widows and pull open the curtains to allow the sunlight in.
"Lily! Come down now. Breakfast is ready"
"I'm coming, mom!" I reply. She must have heard me because she doesn't scream my name again.
As I'm dressing the bed, my mouth starts to water just thinking of the meal. I've been gone a long time but not long enough to forget what breakfast in the baker looked like. A clear picture already comes to mind: A turquoise tablecloth matched with lime green napkins. The caramel colour on the pancakes and orange juice in the centre of the round table, not forgetting the star, mom's special omelettes. Yum. Good food plus great morning conversations. That's not a combo that living alone in a faraway city like New York doesn't give you. Especially when it comes to the silly stories everyone tells about their day. We like to call them updates.
Oh no. Immediately, reason creeps into my soul and hijacks my excitement. I slowly slide back under the already-straightened sheets and pull the blanket over my head.
I have a secret. The thought of this just makes me curl up in a ball under my blankets. I can begin to taste the sweetness of comfort slip away. Oh no, this is bad. The bakers never keep secrets. I have been pushing away reality for so long that I forgot this day would ever come. My parents will not be thrilled about this new update. I can already imagine my father saying something like "As long you live under my roof, you'll follow my rules" as he smashes his fists on the table. That for sure will happen.
I take in a deep breath. I need to get prepared to take the lecture and angry faces of my parents when the words "I want to drop out of college to follow my dreams" fall out of my mouth. Gosh, I sound so clichsaying it out loud. But I've thought about it for so long. Days and weeks were swallowed up by thoughts like 'Is this the right move' and 'What if this doesn't work?'
Am I scared? Yes, of course, but I am not happy studying anything to do with science. Oh my god, this isn't only clichbut it sounds selfish too. What am I going to do?
Another breath in.
Okay, I'm just going to spill the news when I get downstairs: "Mom, Dad I dropped out of college". No, that is just ripping the band-aid off. Bad idea. I could add a smile, which always seems to work, right? I need to find a softer way, maybe just slip it into the conversation as casually as possible. Perhaps, prep them with good news first. Something like: "Guys, I got a good job at an art gallery and I like it". That seems like a better plan. I think.
"Lily!" that's my dad now.
One more deep breath in and one out. "I can do this", I say to myself. They're my parents they won't disown me. On second thought I think that is how this will end.
I'm plummeted back into reality by the sting of burnt toast. And my brother's pitchy voice:
"Why are you talking to yourself?" he's staring right at me when I pull the blanket down. Luke has a big smile and his big bright blue eyes seem more glaring than I remember.
"I'm not." I answer swiftly "When did you get here and how did you get in here? And did you hear anything I said?"
"Now. Through the door." Pause "And no."
I let out a sigh.
"You're acting weird." He says
"No, you're weird, sneaking up on me like that."
"I'm just following orders."
"Did Mom ask you to sneak up on me?"
"No, what?" he rolls his eyes "Mom asked me to come get you," he walks out of the room while screaming the rest of the sentence "She is threatening to come here in a truck if you don't come down."
"I'd like to see that," I reply in the same manner
I brush my teeth, make the bed, again, and then head down before Mom's threat becomes a reality. Cold air suddenly grips my legs and I'm surprised because it's never this cold during summer, at least not for me. I ignore it and just put on my morning coat and slippers.
"Isn't anyone else feeling cold?" I say as I get downstairs. The sweet fragrance of blueberry pancakes fills the air. Completely overshadowing the burnt toast.
"Climate change is a strange and funny thing," Lucy says, her head buried in a book titled Emma. She is perched on the marble counter next to the fridge. Mom is busy at the stove flipping pancakes. Dad and Luke are out of sight.
I was right about the toast. Sitting right next to Lucy on the counter is a plate of blackened slices of bread which she tried to salvage with some peanut butter. The first thing that comes to mind is someone should tell her that that's a bad idea. Anybody but me. She might be younger than I but she frightens me. It's her eyes, her cold, green eyes. There's something about them, it's as if they have a mind of their own.
"Morning Lucy" I rub my hands through her hair, she gives me a stare that tells me she's insulting me in her head right now, then looks back into her page. Well, someone hasn't changed, I say under my breath.
"How's the best mother in the world?" I give my mom a hug from behind as I whisper into her ear. Her hair smells like lavender. I make a mental note to steal her shampoo for myself after breakfast.
"She would be great if someone helped her set the table." I feel her smile on my cheeks. "Lucy is a lost cause"
"Yeah," I say pointing to the toast as evidence on the table. "Let me help." I take the dishes and arrange them in their spots on the table. When I think nobody is looking, I shove a cupcake
"Thank you, dear," mom says
"I missed your food Mom," I say after taking a bit of the pancakes behind her.
"I can see," she uses her thumb to wipe a spot of syrup from the corner of my lips and moves a strand of hair from my face. I stare at her for a second longer than I should, admiring the perfect woman that is my mother. Light brown eyes, clear olive skin and her perfect smile. Forty years looks good on her. I almost forgot that.
"Where's dad?" I ask finally breaking eye contact.
"He's with Luke in the garage. That old Ford seems to be having some problems again."
"Have I been gone for long or has Luke always been interested in cars and I didn't know?" I ask with a knowing smile
"I doubt that boy cares a thing about the car." Lucy chimes in "He only cares about his stupid game."
"Lucy!" Mom snaps
"What?" Lucy asks as though she did nothing wrong "And do we also have to go?"
"Yes, end of discussion. Now come help me with plates" Mom orders. Lucy leaves her seat and book hesitantly. She looks at me and I shake my head to suggest that I'm not getting involved. When mom gives an order, we all just follow. She rolls her eyes yet again and I can't help but laugh. I desperately want to listen to the voice in my head that keeps telling me to hold my horses, that I shouldn't get too... what's the word, yes, comfortable. Comfortable means I won't have the guts to go with the plan and I need all the guts I can get. The problem is that comfortable feels good. I want to stay there for as long as possible.
The kitchen is silent for a while except for the clinking of glasses mom is setting on the table. Lucy and I take turns placing food items.
"So how was your trip, honey?" Mom says after she places her favourite vase - a green and gold glass vase - filled with roses in the centre of the table.
"It was... okay" I say, after an inward struggle to choose between the least expressive words of the two: fine and okay. I should've chosen fine.
Mom nods and smiles. She looks at me for a second longer than she should. She has the type of smile that a proud mom has. The one that exposes the good wrinkles around her eyes. I immediately feel my stomach twisting.
"I'm... I think I should..." I stutter "I'm going to get Dad and Luke."
"Yes, of course."
Dad and Luke are laughing about something when I get into the garage. Dad's huge body is hovering over Luke's like a cloud. They're bending over the car's bonnet while Dad is explaining something to him. At least he's trying to. By the confused look on Luke's face, his raised brows and his unfinished smile, he didn't understand. They seem very close, closer than I've ever seen them. Now I'm just going to destroy everyone's day. What kind of a failure does that?
Wait, what am I doing? I'm supposed to be in a good mood so that everyone will also be in a good mood. Luckily, they both didn't see me walk in, so I'm going to go out and then walk back in with a better attitude.
"What's going on here?" I come in with the biggest smile I can pull.
"I'm trying to give this boy a valuable lesson. He's so clueless" Dad laughs
"That's not true, I know a thing or two." Luke tries to defend himself. "He's nothing like us. Right lily?" he raises his chin expectantly. He is referring to the time when I used to name all the parts of the engine. I think that fuelled his dream of becoming an engineer like he wanted to be. I didn't mean to mislead him. I don't know what to say, I was four and I guess I had a great memory.
"Yeah," I mumble. Trying against all odds to smile.
"Why don't we show him a few things" Dad offers
"Uhm, we'll do that later, mom says breakfast is ready."
"Okay," he says, a bit disappointed
Mom and Lucy were already seated when we got back. Lucy has finished half of her meal. I take a seat next to her. We join our hands and Mom says the grace.
"So, this week was one of a kind, I have a feeling something big will happen" Mom begins. How does she know?
"Really?" I say, my voice already starting to quiver
"Mhmm." She answers "So I was at the shop last time. Was it Tuesday or Wednesday? I don't know. Anyway, I overhear Mrs Wilson talking about the new neighbours in the cosmetics aisle. She says something about them being weird because they never leave the house."
"You shouldn't be listening to gossip, Julia." Dad jumps in "Maybe they do but how would you know if you don't know what they look like?
"Charles, there's like a hundred people in this town, I would know a new face if I see one."
"I saw them at school." Lucy says, she nudges Luke on the shoulder "You were there, right?"
"I don't know, I think so" he answers
"Don't you remember? The young couple who came to pick up the new girl, Abby, yesterday."
"Oh, you mean the skinny girl wearing the olive-green dress." Luke chuckles as he hits his palm on his forehead
"Yes" Lucy clears her throat "but I believe it was an emerald green dress"
"No, it was olive green. I know olive when I see olive."
"Not when you're colour-blind." Lucy rolls her eyes
"Dad, backup?" Luke shoots at Dad who at the moment has a bite in his mouth.
He swallows "It doesn't matter, my point has been proven" he takes another bite, a big one this time. He takes a long time to chew his food.
I look around at all of them and they are all busy with their plates. Alright, now is the right time.
"I have some news." I spill out, my knees shake along with my voice.
"I also have something to say," my dad says immediately after
"Are you okay, lily?" mom asks
"Yes, I'm fine. Let's hear Dad out first. So tell us Dad, what is the news?"
"I lost my job," Dad says casually taking a sip of juice from his glass
We all look up at him simultaneously. The air goes quiet for seconds until Mom speaks,
"What do you mean you lost your job? When did this happen? Why didn't you tell me?" she throws these questions at him.
"Yesterday."
"You got fired? That's a bummer" Lucy says. Now I give her the side eye.
"I didn't get fired. They just didn't need another consultant."
"But you've been with them for two years," Mom argues
"Exactly. It's not long enough"
"I guess you can be at home with the kids more now. You know, relax a bit." Mom offers "Then I can go back to work"
Dad looks at her confused or worried, I can't tell "Jules, the kids are no longer kids. We don't have the time or money to just relax"
"Yes. I know. The whole reason I stopped working was because of them. I guess it's time now. It's time I go back to work"
"No, it's not." dad mutters
"Well, it's just an idea. Where's yours?" "I can find another job."
"I think it's a cool idea, mom," Luke says
"Being broke isn't a cool idea, Lukas" Lucy hits him on the shoulder which spills his drink.
"Hey, watch it" he shouts
"We're not broke, Lukas." Dad says "It's only a phase"
How the conversation changed from this to the colour of different ants, I have no idea. I am deep in thought bouncing the pros and cons of telling them now in my head. I look up from my unfinished bowl of cereal and Lucy is showing me a picture of something.
"Hey Lee, isn't this cool? Ants have different colours like us people" she says
"What?" I say like I had just woken up from a dream. It did feel like a dream, almost. Ants? When did we start talking about ants? Anyway, this is a good opportunity, everyone is in a great mood. It is now or never. I clear my throat and without any hesitation, I say: "I have some news too. I don't think I can go to school anymore"
Silence. Absolute silence. Here it comes.
"I got a job I love at an art gallery back in New York and I've not been attending classes for the past six months. I don't know what on earth hydraulics are and I don't want to. It just isn't how I see my future I want to be an artist and explore the world someday." I bury my face into my palms. "Please don't be angry at me"
The strangest thing happens and I'm not sure if I should be happy or disturbed.
"Oh thank god." Dad sighs "I thought you were about to say you were pregnant"
"Huh?" I raise my head "Aren't you angry?
"You're almost twenty-one. You can do what you want and I can't stop you even if I want to."
I look at Mom and she's nodding "It's your life do what makes you happy. Besides we were struggling with the fees."
"Huh," I say, "I thought you wanted me to -"
"Get a science degree. Yes, but if you don't want to then it's fine. I'm not a hermit, I know there are other careers too."
"Hah imagine Lily with a big belly" Luke stands and imitates a pregnant woman's walk with his hands on a waist and all.
"At least you can help with the cores around the house," Dad says giggly and I'm stunned. Excited, yes, but all the more still stunned. I get up to hug my parents. "Thank you"
They start laughing. The twins join in. What did I say? What did I do wrong, or right? I'm not sure anymore. My head starts to pain in my temples. I press my fingers against them and shut my eyes.
The table is cleared the next time I open my eyes and everyone is in the living room now, eyes on the TV screen.
"Come join us Lee" Lucy taps on the space in between her and Luke. She wants to watch Deadpool because she has a thing for Ryan Reynolds, for some reason. Mom disagrees. She suggests another movie.
"But Lily got to see it" Lucy argues. "And she's only two years older than us"
"I'm still older," I say as I take a seat between them. Mom and Dad are on the other couch.
"Why are we watching this?" Luke says as soon as Lucy grabs the remote
"It's a classic" Lucy enunciates
"Hmm" he grunts
Lucy groans "You don't agree? At least it is more interesting than your whole life."
"Hey, stop it" Mom intercepts, and immediately returns to the conversation she and Dad were having. They are in a world of their own. I want to jump into their world too but I can't seem to take my off the twins.
"You wish you had my life" Luke scoffs
"I play chess remember?" Lucy says
"So? That has nothing to do with this"
"It means that by default I'm smarter than you" She folds her arms and pouts her lips.
I smile. She will impress someone one day or maybe offend someone. The line is very thin. Whichever way it goes it's always a joy watching these two argue about nothing and everything at the same time. I didn't imagine this day would go this. I admit that every time I played the situation in my head it always ended with me being homeless and crying in the streets. This reality almost feels like a dream, a dream I would not want to wake up from.
"Alright, alright," I said just in time to stop a nuclear war "How about we do something else? I'll go get the Scrabble board" I suggest.
"Yes, let's see who's really smart," Luke adds which makes us all shake our heads.
"Bring it on" Lucy counters
I take a step towards my mother's office, where the Scrabble board is when I hear a knock. I wait for a few seconds to make sure I'm not imagining it. The knock doesn't come again. I decide it is my imagination after all and continue to the office.
The air turns from a sweet combination of scrambled eggs, bacon and orange to a musky smell of dust and old paper. A cloud of dust covers my face as I enter the room, I sweep it away with my hand.
The office is neat as always, by neat I mean organized. It is however dusty and looks like it hasn't been cleaned in weeks. The chair is tucked under the table neatly and all of her books are arranged on the shelf according to their year of publishing. Even her pens are stacked in a row on the right side of the ancient mahogany desk. Mom always called it the wise desk, she found it at a yard sale years ago and says that it is the sole reason for her success. How? Only she can explain.
I sweep my eyes around the room, trying to remember where the board is. I'm immediately drawn to a photo hanging on the wall. It is a direct view from the desk. It is a picture of us all. We are standing in front of the house - Mom and Dad are in the middle, I'm next to Dad and the twins are next to Mom - we look like robots in our grey matching outfits. Dad's old Ford is visible in the corner of the picture. I approach it and brush my fingers across our faces. It never occurred to me how everyone in this family had the same smile. Not in a metaphorical way, but literally. We smile in the same manner, with squinting eyes, brow lines and crooked lips that look like we are about to say something. Tears start to form around my eyes and for some reason I feel lightheaded as my body knows something that I don't. Whatever it is, I don't want to find out because I don't want to feel this way ever again.
Just then, I started to hear voices from the living room. Luke's is more audible; he seems to be angry about something. I quickly grab the game from behind the shelf and head out. This family can be fun sometimes but other times the right word to describe us would be a wreck. It's not many times that that's the case though so that's a good thing. Right?
"It's not my fault that she doesn't have a life," Luke says. I stop in my tracks "I have my life to think about mom, you can't do this to me"
"Missing a sports camp is not the end of the world, Lukas" Lucy laughs
"Shut up Lucy" Luke warns "You should have my back here. They don't care about us they only love Lily"
"That's not true" mom sniffs
"That's enough kids." Dad jumps in "Lily doesn't mean what she said, she'll come to her senses soon."
"See Lucy we can't speak when it comes to their precious Lily."
That's it. I can't take it anymore. I storm into the room but everyone is in the same position as I left them. Instead of the angry and crying faces I expected, I'm greeted with laughter. They're laughing at something on the television. Uhm okay, what is going on? I say to myself
"Is there something you want me to know?" I ask in an attempt to get some sort of reaction, but nothing. They all shook their heads and looked at me confused. I should be confused but I try not to think about it too much because thinking about it brings back the lightheadedness I'm trying to avoid.
"Let's play then," I say instead
Lucy happily takes the board from my grasp and carries the game to the dining table. She sets it up while we follow.
I get to start the game first. I roll the die and it's a six. Luke goes next. Throughout the whole game, Dad was in the lead with the most points. I can't seem to concentrate on anything. I keep going back to what he said earlier.
"...she'll come to her senses soon"
My mind lingers on this phrase. Why would he tell me one thing and then say something else when he thinks I'm not listening? I knew that if anyone would have a hard time dealing with it, it was going to be him. Only if he saw how much progress I've made with the gallery. Only if he knew that the past few months haven't been great without him or any of them for that matter. Only if he knew how happy I was - how happy I am.
"You're cheating" Mom shouts which brings me back.
"Yes, Dad's keeping some of the tiles hidden." Lucy gets up to retrieve them from behind him but they end up struggling and throw the whole game to the ground. He starts laughing then Mom follows and the twins. I join in last. It is weird for me to just forget the conversation I heard. This doesn't seem like the same people. Did I mishear the whole thing?
"Well since the game is over and dad was cheating that means I won" Lucy says giving herself a pat on her shoulder, literally.
"That is not fair, I have the most points after Dad," Luke says
"And now you don't." she pulls out her tongue and begins a victory dance, moving her shoulders up and down.
"You can say all you want but you're still the worst dancer in the family." Luke chuckles
"And the trophy goes to Lucy," Mom says in a commentator's voice as she joins Lucy in her silly dance, wiggling her shoulders
"You're mistaken on that one," Lucy shakes her head adamantly "Have you seen Dad trying to dance" She demonstrates it by rubbing her hands on her belly and moving her waist in a circular motion. "Remember he did this same dance at Cheryl's wedding and embarrassed himself."
"Oh no, not the belly dance. It's a classic" Dad tries to defend himself as everyone starts laughing at him. He ignores us and continues his dance. Luke joins in and then Mom too. Before I know it, I'm also rubbing my belly and shaking my waist.
I hear a knock on the door again. This time it was louder and there was no mistaking it now. I go to check immediately. I open the door and a rush of cold air smashes into my face. The road is also wet. I'm guessing it rained last night and I just didn't notice.
On the other side of the door is a man. He's in scrubs like he just dropped out of a hospital. At first glance, there's nothing special about him, but the longer I look at him, the more his eyes start to feel more familiar.
"Hi," he says, his voice is smooth and at the same time somehow grainy. He had a bouquet in his hands. He's smiling like he knows me. Weird.
"Hi, how can I help you?" I ask politely, with a half smile and a questioning brow
"This is for you." His voice suddenly becomes shaky as if he is short of breath. He points the lilies in my face. I scan his face secretly. I'm still trying to figure out where I know him from. Maybe the movies. I don't know.
"For me, why?" I hesitate to take the bouquet
"Oh, I thought... are you -?"
"Oh right, how could I forget?" I hit my palm against my forehead "You're the new couple from next door."
"Uhm, I'm ..."
"Oh, nice. I'm lily." I grab the flowers and stretch my free hand for a handshake
He doesn't take it just stares at me like a stranger. I guess that part is accurate.
"This neighbourhood is really quiet, you'll love it here," I say as I smell the lilies. How did he know I liked lilies?
He's still staring like he's frozen in his spot. I realize he must be hearing all the raucous going on inside "Oh don't worry about us. My dad is showing us some of his horrible dance moves. You don't want to see those. We're not always like this it's just today. You can join us for dinner later to see for yourself"
"I don't think--"
"Yeah, you're right, not tonight. We'll be going to my brother's game later. It's a family thing we do. I don't want to but I've not been home for a while so I kind of have to."
"Lily, are you alri--"
"Oh my god, you must be flushed by all the things I'm saying. I don't even know why I'm talking so much. Sorry. Thank you for the flowers though" I give a half laugh and take the flowers with me inside. I just realized I told a stranger too much.
"Wait." I hear him say before I close the door. What have I done? Why did I tell this stranger things he shouldn't know and why does know things he shouldn't? I turn the lock on the door twice to make sure he doesn't come in.
Something feels wrong. And it is not just about the stranger. The place is awfully quiet all of a sudden. And colder.
"Guys?" I drop the flowers to the ground and head to the dining room.
          There is nobody there. Only the board game is lying on the floor and just a single chair is pulled out. I ran to check the rooms upstairs. All the rooms are dusty and cold and dark and... empty.
"Guys, this is not funny. I didn't know we were playing hide and seek" I find that my breathing has increased and the headache from before has returned.
I shake that away and run to the office to check there too. I see the picture on the wall. I stop for a second to take a look. The tear I was holding earlier falls down my cheek.
"Okay, you've won! You can come out now" I make my way back to the living room. "You can come out now, please!" I shout, my voice is shaky. Everything starts to get blurry. My head begins to spin and my feet no longer feel like feet but like mushy clouds, light and hollow.
"Mom!"
No answer
"Dad!"
Nothing. The tears keep falling.
"Lu...cy? Lu...k...as?"
Still nothing.
I drop to the floor or rather the floor pulls me in. I lay there in the middle of the living room. The rough cotton carpet pinching through my skin, the fake crystal chandelier dangling over my forehead. I can't move. It feels as though I am glued to the ground. I try to scream but nothing comes out.
Instead of my voice, I hear my mother's, punchy and cracked in between syllables. Her voice echoed somewhere in my head. I close my eyes and I can see her looking at me in the rearview mirror, her teary eyes meet mine. My father is seated next to her, in the driver's seat of the old Ford.

"That's not true" she sniffs
"That's enough kids. Lily didn't mean what she said, she'll come to her senses soon" Dad says
"See Lucy we can't speak when it comes to their precious Lily." Luke punches the headrest of Dad's seat.
"Don't speak like that Lukas." Mom snaps "Lily just needs more --"
"More what, Mom? Lucy asks
"She just needs more time to figure things out." Mom adjusts herself to look at Luke seated next to me. "All I'm saying is that football camp can wait. Lilly needs this money and all the support she can get."
"That is not what I was going to say," Dad says
"Oh," mom says
"Yes. I'm with Luke on this one. Lily didn't say she wanted to go to that school or any school at all."
"It's a good school for her arts. We talked about this, why are you only mentioning this now?"
"That's the thing I don't ever get to speak. You always speak for both of us" he says, his dry voice filling the air
I open my eyes and I can still hear them speaking. What's going on? I try to speak but the words don't make it past my lips. I want to stand but my legs have given up on me. I twist and roll myself across the floor until I've lost the energy to move. This would be funny if I didn't feel so much pain. I lay on my back and I just let the pictures play in my head. I don't want to call them memories because once I do, I would have to admit that something is wrong.
"What is that supposed to mean, Charles?" mom asks
"I'm just saying Lily wouldn't be such a failure if you had let me take control of things."
"Don't call my daughter a failure."
"She's my daughter too. I'm just telling the truth."
"She's just too young to know what she wants. Let her figure it out."
"She's not a kid anymore Julia," Dad yells
"Shhh you'll wake her up."
"She's already awake, mom" Lucy's voice swifts in, slow and steady
"What is going on? I ask
"We're talking about the colour of ants. What do you think, Lee? It's cool, right?" Lucy shows me a picture on her phone I don't see clearly.
Luke slaps the phone from her hand "Stop being silly. You don't care because it doesn't involve you."
The pictures become clearer as the second goes by.
"Mom wants to take me out of football camp because of you that's what is happening."
"That's not what is happening" Mom says "We just want you to have the best. Lukas can wait."
Dad adds "And it was not my decision, your mother wants to spoil you for the bad decisions you're making."
"I don't need..." I try to defend myself but mom cut.
"Charles, she needs the education, what do you want me to do? Just let her waste away."
"Let her face consequences for a second in her life" he yells again
Back and forth, they went on. I have never seen them so angry at each other. Just as that is going on the twins are having their fight.
"You need to calm down, Lukas"
"You need to get a life. All you care about is your stupid boyfriend who never looks at you twice"
"I've told you not to talk about Michael."
"Yeah, because you know he's a douche"
"You selfish brat" she hit I'm on the head with her book. Luke fights back. I attempt to separate them but it doesn't work.
"Mom, I need help," I say
"Right, I have to solve all the messes in this family" she complains as she turns to the back to help me.
"Do it quickly I can't see the road properly," Dad says looking over to Mom.
In the next second, there is a loud noise and everything around me stops, like time stood still. And the several seconds that followed were awfully quiet as the world spun around slowly. I hear tires screeching, louder and louder as the seconds go by. Spikes of glass bouncing around me. Then complete darkness.
I'm entirely out of breath after what I just saw. That can't be. No, this makes no sense or am I trying to drive myself insane? When did that happen and most importantly, why don't I remember anything until now?
I'm finally able to get up but I feel lost. I am grateful for the sudden revelation but I don't want to accept what comes with it: Anger, pain and above all, guilt.
I want to laugh but the only thing I can do right now is cry. The tears don't ask for permission, they just roll down my face until I can hardly see anything at all. I wince my way to the kitchen to pour myself a glass of water and knock over an unfinished bowl of soggy cereal to the floor on my way. I let the rest of the memories flood in. I've decided to stop fighting and receive them with withered expectations. I know even though they are draining all the life out of me, I can't stop them. frankly, I want to know I need to know what all of this means.
The rest of the memories come back to me in separate parts. With every sip of water, a new memory returns to me, the images are rather inconsistent and messy; a red truck, smoke coming out from disjointed flames, a grey headrest, mom's blond hair, shards of glass on - in my arm, sirens and bellowing screams. Red flashing lights, people in uniforms running around in organized chaos. The others are standing in a circle. Orders and demands are thrown about in urgent cries. I'm being carried on a stretcher. More lights and then pitch-black darkness.
When the lights come back, everybody around me is dressed in black.
In front of me lay four tombstones, from left to right they read: Charles Baker, Julia Baker, Lukas Baker and Lucy Baker. There are flowers everywhere, so many flowers. People say things to me that I don't hear. They are crying. I'm not, or maybe I can't. There is a lawyer in my living room. I turn in his direction. He is seated across from me, his body lunged forward and elbows on his knees. I follow his red eyes to the paper he is reading from and from her lips come these words: "Your parents left you the house..."
"No... no... no" I shake my head vigorously. My legs give up on me again and I find myself on the floor again, this time with my back to the wall.
"Lily?" that is my mother's voice, scratchy and hoarse. I look up, and blood is dripping from the side of her face, which is almost non-recognizable but I know that voice. She lies on her back on the cold tar. I look around and I see the car in the distance turned upside down, in flames. My throat clenches up as the realization hits me.
"Mom? What is happening?" my lips tremble because I know the answer to this question. The thing is I don't want to know the answer. "Hang on Mom, they're coming to get us," I say confidently. I move my fingers closer and I grab her hand. "We can make it"
"Lily..." her voice is faint, almost inaudible "you have...you have to let me go"
"No." I sob.
"Lily, you have to let us go." she lets go of my grip, one finger at a time as if she is counting her last seconds.
"No, no, no" I beg.
And as her last finger leaves my grasp, she lets go of life. She closes her eyes and never opens them again.
I sit still, not willing to take another breath, not ready to open my eyes. I don't want to. I'm not ready to let myself be brought back to the present. Back to where I survived.
I feel my insides twisting and turning. I'm shaking from all the awfulness I feel inside deep in my chest. This can't be it. I want to go back. Back to the time when we were dancing stupid dances. To when we fought about anything and everything possible. I want those memories, at least then they'd still be alive and here with me.
The next moments happen like a trance, a dream of some sort. Maybe I've been dreaming this whole time. It doesn't even feel like time is real anymore. Everything around me just merges into one big bowl of nothing, just blank, just meaningless.
I go to the garage and take out Dad's old baseball bat. There's an empty space where his car once parked. I know I should be sad and I am but I'm mostly angry at this moment. I start swinging the bat into every object in my way. Left to right, up and down. It's like all the air has been sucked from my body and my heart has been ripped out. All that's left is this huge rock that sits at the bottom of my chest and I don't know what to do about it other than this. I want to say that something has come over me, I do but that would be a lie.
I take a look at the damage I've done. All the things in the room have been turned into trash: The childhood toys we were supposed to donate, the TV we used to watch movies on has a big hole in it now, papers are flying around me and mom's favourite vase is in pieces on the floor. I drop the bat and kneel in front of the pieces, picking them up one by one trying to put them back together but all I end up doing is cutting myself in the process. I just sit there and look at the cut on my finger. It hurts but I sit there and stare at the wound. I feel relieved. It feels good to be in pain especially when every person I have loved is gone. Forever.
I get up from the unfixable pieces and out of the garage. I take a walk around the house. The silence makes sense now but knowing and accepting are two different things. The rooms look the same as the last time I was here, the furniture, dishes and even the clothes in the wardrobe remained as they were. The only assurance of the passage of time is the thick layer of dust that has settled on them.
After the accident, I locked up the house along with the memories that come with it and I moved back to New York. I focused on the gallery and nothing else. To be honest it was hard to do that too. The gallery was the one aspect of my life that was not related to my family but that was because it was the one thing that made me lose them. I pushed through the nightmare-filled nights and tear-soaked pillows, through the frightening days which became tolerable months. A tear forms in my eye as I look back at those days but Mom was right, I had to let go. And now I know she didn't mean to forget but to accept.
There's another knock from downstairs and for a second, I cringe thinking about the irritating neighbour but it only takes a second too long for me to put the pieces together. I mentally punch myself as the realization hits me.
"Mark!" I shout as I run to the door. I opened it to find his worried eyes staring at mine.
"Lily, are you alright?" he asks. I nod and I jump into his arms.
"I'm so sorry," I whisper into his ear.
"It's okay" he whispered back "You needed this"
I nod "I think I'm ready to sell it now."
I melt into his familiar embrace and suddenly I don't feel so cold anymore.