The Damn Lazy River

It’s been a year and a half since you last touched me.
It’s been a year and a half since you last kissed me.
It’s been a year and a half since I had to pry your hands off me.
Fuck that.
I have spent the past year and a half telling myself I’m better without you.
I have spent the past year and a half trying to move on instead of processing just what you did.
I have spent the past year and a half suffering silently as your life goes on.
As you grow.
As you become happy and confident and healthy, and I’m stuck here wallowing in my own self resentment.

I’m taken back to that lazy river every day of my life that I’m reminded of you.
It’s like I am stuck in that water, in your lap, with your hands squeezing me in place as your tongue ventures past my lips.
It’s like I can’t get past this, and I don’t know how to change that.
I can’t let myself forgive you.
I can’t let myself move on.
I can’t let myself believe that anyone would ever love me for more than my body.

Ever since that damn lazy river, I’ve been left with scars all across my body.
My heart.
My mind.
Your tongue is burned in my mouth.
Your legs have left dents in mine.
Your fingerprints are burned into my skin from where you held me.
But worst of all,
Your fucking voice is echoing in my brain.
Your sighs of disappointment that occurred as I said
NO.
And you pleaded.
And you begged.
As you did these things, you kissed my neck.
You kissed my lips.
Your tongue feathered across mine as my mouth was open and I said
STOP.
That lazy river is like an infinity sign.
Every day, I’m floating through it with you.
Laughing and smiling as you held me in the water.
Giggling when you would whisper
I LOVE YOU
In my ear.
Dreading when we would reach that staircase that changed it all.
The staircase we were left at.
The staircase I last trusted you at.
The staircase that now is home to my mind,
My heart.
The staircase that I revisit at night,
My tears adding to the water of the lazy river until I’m drowning in my own emotion.
And then you save me,
But only to latch onto me like a parasite and force yourself into my mouth.

Fuck that damn lazy river.