The Jewel Thief

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prompt: include the sentence "I was offended by the suggestion that my baby brother was a jewel thief."

It happened on a Tuesday in the merry month of May.
I'd just de-loused the camel, as some snow was on its way.
When suddenly a passing monk did shout to me "Good Day!"
and unicycled down the road to much hilarity.
Yes, he unicycled down the road to much hilarity.

I must confess to being deeply unsettled by this, as he usually only passed this way on a Friday.

Well off I went to wash the cat, with furrowed brow and shin,
a-pondering what this could mean, what portent lay within.
And as I scratched my left big toe, right testicle and chin,
a policeman skipped across the lawn, his face set in a grin.
Yes, a policeman skipped across the lawn, his face set in a grin.

This caused me no end of consternation as his hat was on backwards - a sure sign of the gravity of the situation.

He questioned me on this and that, on that and this as well.
Interrogated Mum and Dad and my sweet cousin Nell.
He cast aspersions far and wide, and all around the dell.
But most of all he ominously asked about young Earl.
Yes, most of all he ominously asked about young Earl.

I was offended by the suggestion that my baby brother was a jewel thief.

I called for justice in our time, I called for lawyers three.
I called for Abigail the maid to bring us cake and tea.
I called into the outhouse as I had to take a pee.
And then we planned our great defence to set my brother free.
Yes, then we planned our great defence to set my brother free.

It was a really nice cake - cheese and tomato, as was all the rage at the time.

But in the trial to our dismay our efforts were in vain,
He'd robbed a King, three Queens, the Pope, a dowager in Spain,
two nice old men (whose "friendship" was most tricky to explain).
But worst of all, he'd robbed the judge...then robbed the judge again.
Yes, worst of all, he'd robbed the judge, then robbed the judge again.

Though the judge declined to be specific about the jewel-encrusted appliance stolen, as its nature might have caused consternation among the members of the Rotary Club.

The judge he donned his black silk cap, black earmuffs and black tie,
black mittens and black waterproofs, black patch on his left eye,
black woolly socks, black sandals, and black jockstrap by-and-by.
And solemnly declared forthwith that Earl must hang or fry.
Yes, solemnly declared forthwith that Earl must hang or fry.

During the delay caused by this ancient ceremony, Earl took the opportunity to exit up a nearby chimney.

And so the jewel thief lives to steal and rob another day,
And where he plies his wicked trade no mortal man can say.
And on that note I fear that I must now conclude my lay,
A-fol-de-diddle-diddle-dum, a-fol-de-diddle-day.