From Birthday Visits to Final Farewell

From Birthday Visits to Final Farewell

12 August 2018, my 13th birthday. I was having lunch in the dining area, looking at the garden, and wondering how this day would be different if I were at home with mom, dad, and sister. Wondering what I am going to do next, having birthday motivation to be a better version but wasn't aware of how? How am I going to achieve what I want? Where do I start? When should I start? There, I saw a man coming through the entrance of the garden.

All my fears and doubts vanished; all I could feel was happiness. The pure joy in my eyes. I ran towards him, hugging him tightly, knowing that he would go away soon. But the only thing that mattered was that he was present right here with me. I greeted him "hello papa," he wished me "happy birthday beta," and gave me a bag full of chocolates, snacks, and wafers, and he brought everything I complained about in the hostel. That particular birthday was a happy occasion. There were tears rolling down my eyes while I expressed how much I miss him and home. The man who never cried, a strong man to whom nothing can make cry, I saw tears in his eyes.

I asked him to take me home but he made me understand to stay, study hard, and make him proud. All of this will be worth one day. I still insisted on taking me home, even knowing that was against the rules of the hostel. He motivated me by telling me that I am his blood, I am strong, and this is for my future. He compared living in a hostel with an adventure camp that is focused on studies. We both chuckled at his perspective. He made me understand that the world out there is cruel, and he won't be around forever to protect me, so I have to learn to be on my own.

I argued that he had to be around forever. He said he would be. With his heavy heart, he acted like it's all normal to stay away from home. My childish heart was mad at him for his decision for a while, but I later understood. We were enjoying each other's company and were content in the moment, and I wish I could pause the time and live in that moment for a little longer. Time passed, and I had to say good-bye to him. He told me not to worry; he just wants good academic performance, and the rest he will handle; he will guide me.

I hugged him tightly, saying goodbye and promising to make him proud. Again, his strong man mask couldn't hide his tears. He went. This continued; he kept visiting me in the hostel until December 19, 2022, when I visited him for the last time. This time, he was gone. This time, I was aware that he was not coming back. All my fears and doubts came back. I wanted him to wake up and tell me that he was here. I wanted him to wake up. Deep down, I knew it was just a wish.

I was mad at him for not realizing that I still needed him. How can he go away without saying a proper goodbye? There were so many things left to discuss. There are so many birthdays to visit. There are so many problems to solve. Didn't he realize that I needed him? Didn't he realize what I was going to do without him? He was supposed to be around forever. This time it was the final good-bye. But I wanted him around me forever. How can I be on my own? But this is life; it teaches everyone to be on their own, and here I am determined to make my dad proud, hoping that he can see it all.

I may not be sure of many things, but one thing I'm sure of is that I will always try to make him proud. My eyes still look for the entry of that man from the garden, and my heart still hopes for his return or just a glimpse of him. I might not say it out loud and probably never said it to him, but I loved him, and I loved feeling loved by him. I will always love him.