EMDR - The Beginning

I have a secret. I think I might enjoy mental and emotional pain. Sometimes I think I get off on it. I've discovered I have a super limited capacity for identifying emotion, but I can definitely feel and identify grief, shame and guilt. Guilt and grief are my favorites. /sarcasm For real though, I love to stew.

Yeah, yeah; I know. Everyone has PTSD or CPTSD or whichever they're saying it is but I'm trying to fix my shit. It's a fucked up flaw. They keep trying to push Ketamine on me, but I'm nowhere near ready to try that. I'd like to keep it on the straight and narrow. I've got a lot of time racked up in sobriety. I'm not in any rush to relapse.

I had another EMDR session today. Well, a prep session anyway. I've been introduced to the process, done a few grounding exercises with the machine and the therapist. I'm doing the little buzzers in my hands. I guess it's similar to tapping which a lot of people seem to like. I felt surprisingly calm after. That's 2 for 2. I can dig it. Abby, the therapist lady has given me some techniques for deactivating myself since there's a good chance I'm gonna lose my shit. (My words, not hers). They tell me once I'm opened up it's like walking around with a gaping wound. Sounds delightful, right? At least I get to go sit in the chair every week, now. No pain, no gain. AMIRITE? Today I gave her 2 super early memories I'd like to dive into where I was 5 or 6 years old. I chose 2 current beliefs I have associated with those memories and 2 NEW beliefs I would like to have reprocessed and moved out of my body and into long term memory.

One Memory is where my Dad took me to meet his Girlfriend who was a helicopter pilot and promised me I'd get to fly in the Helicopter the next day. The next day when I woke up and asked him about it, he acted like I was crazy and he didn't know what I was talking about. Presumably because my Mom was present. I remember that I convinced myself It was only a dream for a long time. It took my adult brain to figure out what really happened here. My two beliefs based on this memory are: 1)People can't be trusted. 2)I don't feel safe openly showing emotion. The two new beliefs I would like to have reprocessed are 1) Some people CAN be trusted 2)More importantly I can trust my own judgement.

The other one is where I swallowed a whole bottle of bubblegum children's Tylenol. I was rushed to the ER and had my stomach pumped with charcoal. I think these two memories are close together because I lived in the same house and we moved around a lot. So, probably 6 years old, maybe. One of the beliefs I have is I should have known better. I don't remember what else I told her, I didn't take notes. Shoulda coulda, woulda. I think this one is a little tougher because it's easy to judge with an adult mind. I just remember being really scared and felt like I was in trouble.

The Helicopter thing I think is also the start of a weird trigger I currently have; when people around me don't do what they say they will do. For some reason this causes me to lash out and get aggressive. I've kept my circle small, and that seems to manage it. And I don't commit to plans with my Dad. This is the only trigger I've been able to identify so far. I'm sure there's more. I have one that makes me shut down, but I haven't been able to catch it to identify what causes it yet.

Anyway, that's where I'm at. I'm looking forward to adding to this once I get a little deeper. This is NOT a fast process. I've got to be at least a dozen sessions in, already. If not, more.

KTHXBYE