I Control The Construct I Exist In

Have you ever been broken?

Picked apart all the little lies and denials that create the matrix you keep yourself a prisoner in?

Aren't we all lost, wandering twisted paths in the darkness?

I'll assume you think you have, but you can spend a lot of time in a push and pull battle before you snap.

There's a lot of fucking barriers before you implode.

Go so far you can never come back.

Stop fucking pretending you feel the same, because nothing matters and we are all to blame for the lives we live.

You must surrender to get the life you deserve.

My time and timeline is all corrupted.

It's all in my head.

I manipulated my reality into what it is today.

Turned inwards and embraced the hatred that was the force that kept me alive. Held all my bitterness until i became real.

Lived my previous lives in overdrive, did what i had to to survive. Thought it was the best days of my life.

Bite the hand that feeds before it hit me.

Defined by decisions i lived to regret but made them with best intentions in survival mode and an utterly disregulated frame of mind.

So full of fear, guilt and shame.

A fractured mirror, only loved because I look and act like you do.....

Intoxicated by something different now, a story that will probably end up in tragedy but.... id give the opportunity to you.

Just to see what you would do.

I see myself in you, you know me too well.

A moth to the flame, I feed on the taste of your darkness.

I was just a filthy and unpredictable soul. Broken and vulnerable, chasing Stars that will just leave scars and the wreck of who I wanted to be.

Someone is reading my mind, saying the words i typed in here. I feel them watching me from somewhere I cannot see.

A manifestation of what i have been calling out for for lifetimes.

At home where the dark things are, i realise I dont need to lose anything, just trust in a new way of life. This survival brain just needs a new baseline.

A furious surge of anger and frustration swells inside me, but I am able to hold steady. Challenging my delusional trust.

I am one with my shadows today, can you honestly say the same?

Its all been falling into place.

Been fighting for survival longer than I have breathed on this side of the void. My only inheritance the agony of the previous generations.

Rewriting the coding i have lived by.

Ended the war inside me, but still picking battles just much more efficiently.

Fresh from a fight and ready to stand side by side with myself.

Giving up control of my senses, one by one trusting higher insights that dont even come from me.

Dancing between defenceless and wreckless.

Nothing is as i thought it was, nothing is as it seems.

Its much fucking worse.

A crippled spirt that can barely function, totally inappropriate for public consumption.

I am losing my mind.

Trying to be myself without becoming another clone, a copy of a copy pretending to have ever known love.

I am empty. Submissive to the voices, orders from unpredictable hostiles with more authority than me. These words pour out of me.

Since childhood I remember feeling like I was coming up from under water when I woke up, my land of dreams so vivid and connected to past lives and other realities.

A haven from the abuse and cruelty. My only safe place when my mind and body were violated.

What is real and what is imaginary? I swallow all your data for a hit of dopamine.

What did they give me and what did I put inside of me?

Knee deep in the tides of shit and blood that threaten to drown me.

I am a merchant of the void, the illusion of choice who finally found a voice. Will you buy the shit i am selling, trade me my darkness for yours?

I have always felt parts of me were missing, like i am living life with only half a soul. I always imagined having a twin that had the information I couldn't wrap my head around.

I didn't realise I get to chose what lives inside of me...

Chasing the moon and outrunning the sun in endless loops of vicious cycles and downward spirals.

At the end of the desert there was a sea where i met the last ember of me. I dipped in my toes and tried to take a sip.

I drowned in the sea of grief but found the fire and the fury inside me.

It burned me alive.

I brought myself back to life in a life not meant for me. Crawled back haunted from the abyss of the alone.

No longer an isolated victim trapped in the past, I am fucking powerful today.

I found a place where dreams come true, telling you all the things i want to do...

I dont give away what i have claimed. I am here to claw and tear apart anything that comes for me.

I am not stuck in here with you, you are fucking trapped in here with me.

I have transmuted that pain into love. Life and creativity through my most dangerous shadows.

An Alchemy of energies that saved my life.

Filled in all those cracks and tears with something I still dont understand.

Its not of this World.

I have found a way to align and stabilse time, trying to stay grounded. By pinpointing anchors in reality, I realise I saw it all far apart in high definition clarity, I just chose not to believe it.

The world kept ending until i was left with nothing but the voices in my head.

Im so glad I finally started to fucking listen.

Im still open to being fucking insane, but the longer i look at things from this perspective, i believe i was crazy for doubting my reality.

I cant explain the things I know or the flashes that come to me, could be a trauma flashback, a dissociation memory i created, a memory from another life, a prophecy maybe?

I just know i started following a calling i had been trying to outrun.

Doing the best i could do to suppress and deny what was ripping my mind into shreds.

I am awake.

I am paying attention to the signs.

Nothing in nature exists alone.

There is so much information we will never be told about, or its existence explictly denied.

My inner child does not need to repent for all the pain she held onto, desperate for it to mean something.

But i can never forget a lack of fear leads to extinction.

No longer a passive passenger in my own life, not just observing but embodying all those words i used to say.

I am taking none of my past into the future this time.

Some things are better forgotten.

Its being released everytime i move, when i write, when i speak. I am dissecting what i do not need in preparation for the abundance I have cultivated.

This year changed my fucking life. Oh shit, what have i done to me?

Cannot deny I reached out and I touched faith.... accidently, yet with such precison it has made me question divine intervention.

Are you ready to embrace me?

Time to become everything i was too scared to be, beautiful and free-super fucking natural.