April's Fool

The difficulties are all imaginary; I know this. I feel it more deeply than before—a disquiet that arises from indulging in routine distractions. Checking a dating app, scrolling through YouTube videos... nothing satisfies. It leaves me restless, searching for something that will quench the thirst for accomplishment and quiet the churning thoughts within.

I'm still off work, with no contact and no updates. Am I still being paid? The uncertainty is frustrating. The isolation, the forced introspection—it weighs heavily on me. Yet, I can't ignore the sense that the universe has set me on this path, pushing me inward to explore the depths of myself.

Distractions are empty and unfulfilling. I can't engage with streaming services—Prime Video, Crave TV, Disney Plus, Netflix—they all bore me. Even my games fail to hold any appeal. The realization that my old favorites no longer stir anything within me is profoundly sad.

I scroll endlessly through lists of games, videos, and media, unable to commit to a single choice. Worse, I consume short-form content the same way, never finishing anything, just moving from one snippet to the next, hoping for something that never comes.

Everything feels like an utter waste, yet it no longer even makes me sad. My emotions are dulled, fading to gray. Even the bad ones are tolerable now, blunted beyond recognition. I try to keep them anchored in tasks—playing a game, watching a show, staring out the window—but none of it matters.

My life is stripped bare of commitments, my social world truncated to the point where time stretches endlessly before me. I used to have a family—a wife, children, a home, a job. Now, all I have is time. My wife pushed me away so deftly that I was painted as the villain. Because of that, I don't get to see my sons. It's been a year, and now she's pushing for full custody, with no visitation.

I must accept this. I know she wielded reactive abuse against me, and I walked right into the trap. I lost everything. Now, I'm left to rebuild from nothing, unmotivated and lost. Standing in my own space, seeing the opportunity ahead, feels impossible. I sense that there is a path forward, but it is so foreign to what I've been dealing with that I struggle to grasp it. I need to let go of my family, yet the obligation to provide for them remains, even as I'm denied access.

The anger is consuming. The image of my ex-wife boils my blood, and I know that burden is mine to carry. How do I navigate these relentless thoughts? Allowing them to fester only eats away at me. I refuse to let resentment take root. The truth is, we both made mistakes, but she allowed her resentments to harden into a weapon against me. If I did the same, I would destroy everything—her, the children, myself. I will never let that happen. I release resentment and imagined revenge.

The real issue is the cycle of negativity when she enters my thoughts. I don’t want this venom in my mind to begin with. If I could avoid falling into my own mental traps, resisting the pull of indignation, I know I’d be better off. There must be a way to escape this pattern, but distraction has lost its power over me.

I need something more. Something real. A solution that nourishes rather than depletes. Something that doesn’t steal my time and attention but helps me focus on what truly matters.

Everything I once valued has been taken from me or betrayed. Starting over is an immense challenge. I just don’t know when to begin, or even how to be.