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Blog for thefleet. |
| I'm starting this blog on 10/7/2025. I'm hoping to capture my thoughts and experiences regarding writing, acting as my mom's cancer caregiver, my own struggles with chronic illness and my hopes and goals. |
| This week I've had a running montage of all my worst social blunders playing on rerun. I know what is triggering it, there is a friend feud that was started by my impulsiveness and the other person's penchant for drama and a knack for being slighted even at the most questionable times. I don't know if I will call her a friend after this. It's too messy and quite frankly, the woman stresses me the hell out. I never know how she will take my words or actions. She doesn't trust easily and tends to think the worst even when others have the best intentions. I know my part in this mess wasn't great, but I have done what I can to keep the peace and at this point, I'm not sure it's worth it. Over the last few years I've been trimming my social circle because I realized that I spend to much time trying to fix things that can never be fixed. I don't speak to my dad anymore and he doesn't call. He's another one that is never wrong and is offended by baffling things. I can't help but wonder, why do I attract these people and why do I put up with their bulls*** for so long? Is something wrong with me? They seem to think so. It's hard to see yourself in a mirror. It's always going to be distorted and the only way to keep my sanity is to remind myself that I'm doing my best and everyone makes mistakes, and sometimes other people aren't worth the effort because I can't fix everything. |
| Had hoped to hit the fall festival at a local farm with my partner this weekend but I got hit with a mysterious stomach bug. My weekend was mostly spent in bed. It's been hard to get my momentum back. I think I'm finally feeling the energy flowing again. I'm going to try to spend this evening writing after dinner. Maybe I can tackle the strange note I left myself in the middle of the night. This is literally what I wrote: Improving swlf confidence/teenage invincibility I used to be confident, mayne it was twenage invincibility but failure was fine, a mesns to becoming a better person. I belives in myself. Im not sure what happenned but this seems to be a universal experience. Raw, fresh 2am fleet right there! I have a vague feeling of what I was trying to convey and I think it may be an essay if I can hang on to it and expand. There is "Witchy Book Fair" at a brewery in my town this Friday, I'm hoping to go and find some fun books and maybe get a tarot reading. I want to indulge in my woowoo side a little this weekend. It will be Halloween soon after all. A note on the woowoo...Lately I feel like I need more spiritual work in my life and have been considering joining a Universal Unitarian Church that has a Pagan group, they seem very open and likeminded. It might be beneficial to me. It is, however, another *thing* to do. So, I'm being cautious about adding to my already tumultuous plate. |
| I turned in my two week notice at work Tuesday. I need to take a moment to reflect on this because it will be important for me to look back on later. My mom's cancer has "significant growth", doctor's words exactly. I've not been doing well myself. I've been getting an average of 1-2 migraines a week that often last more than a day. It's been more than a little bit difficult to be reliable at work or otherwise. So I decided to quit work for now. I'll get a part time something to keep me from going stir crazy and to help give me some pocket money. My husband will be able to support us, we will just have to be careful about spending. We've been too lackadaisical about money regardless lately, so this might be a good thing. This also puts me in a position that I need to figure out what's next regarding my career. At my current job I was on a certain path. I haven't exactly burned that bridge, but I don't think I can go back to the company at this point. It feels like more of an opportunity to work on what I really want out of life rather than feeling like I lost something. I might have more thoughts later, but I needed to put all of this into words. |
| Got back from a long weekend in the Finger Lakes area of New York. I was visiting a friend with my mother. She lost her husband to the same cancer my mom has. We've become close over the years. We have a lot of things in common and she's been really good to me. It was really interesting to see her house and the town she lives in. A new perspective on a person that I'd seen and talked to but not been able to see the life she lived from her home. I feel like visiting a persons home gives you a tiny window into their life. You can see a fleeting slice of what things must be like for them. It broke my heart a little to meet her two sons that lost their father far too early. They are wiser and softer than most kids their age. They've been through a lot. They were kind like their mother. |
| Talking to a good friend is definitely balm for the soul. I feel like I heard that somewhere but can't place where. Anyway, I had some nice chats with two good friends today and it really helped. I was feeling very anxious about, well, everything. Talking about unrelated things to my mom's cancer really helped. My bestie texted me today, I got some updates on her life and we planned a bit of a trip for me to come see her. I wish she lived closer than 2 hours away, but here we are and we make the best of it. A work friend, who has been an absolute blessing, told me an adorable story about her best friend's daughter that really brightened my day. I couldn't really do it justice, my friend's movements and facial expressions really made the story come alive. |
| I found out today that my mom's cancer grew. She's been dealing with this for 10 years. It has been bad a few times, two specific times I can think of that I wasn't sure she'd make it. This one is pretty scary because she has lesions all over her liver that can't be operated on. She's always been able to have surgery before. I usually try to think of anything but what might happen if she's gone, but today I found myself, oddly analytically, thinking about what the future might entail. My husband and I moved up to her house in Maryland 10 years ago to take care of her when we found out she had cancer. It was a good move for both of us. There was little opportunity for us where we were in Florida and we both got decent jobs and a variety of opportunities to grow here. I've made friends and my husband has carved out a career. A little over a year ago we had a house fire. We lost all of our things, and I lost my cat. I can't help but wonder if the stress contributed to my mom's cancer progressing. It was a chaotic 8 months rebuilding our house and getting back into the swing of things. Well, I am not sure things really ever settled. I still have a lot of unresolved feelings regarding the fire, but maybe I will tackle that another time. I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm going to do my best to keep myself and my family afloat. |
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I know I've goofed up relationships that were a little weird to begin with and I'm left wondering which one of us is doing it wrong. You're no crazier than anyone else 
