Actions and Patterns

Hard truths for someone I love

<sub>All those years you spent shrinking yourself, putting your needs aside, feeling they were unimportant --
Was there ever once effort to show you love?
Did she ever draw you close and kiss your lips?
Did she ever hold you close or apologize that she couldn't give you the intimacy you craved?
Did she ever try?

There was always something...from almost the beginning...that kept you at arm's length. Maybe she just couldn't bear to tell you that her reasons for this marriage and your reasons were not the same.

You said she was never a wife to you, but you also never forced it, and if there was any physical affection, you had to force it.

You shouldn't have to force someone who loves you to make love to you.

She blamed you for why she didn't want to show you affection.
It was your fault she didn't want you, or so she made you think.
You were always the problem.
Never her.

You've been the one trying to make this work.
You've forced the discussions.
You've set the terms.
She's a dismissive avoidant.

Instead of trying to meet you or acknolwedge that you had unmet needs, she pushed you away, touting one excuse after another.

This isn't how things work.
You don't use affection as a weapon.

But now that you've felt real love, the kind that just flows like an easy stream -- my love -- you hope because you've finally stood your ground she'll meet your needs.

She said she wanted to, right?

She wanted to in the spring.
And then she didn't want to be accountable.
And then there was the job.
And then there was the medication.
And then there was...

The truth is: this is manipulation.

She wants the marriage.
She wants the image.
She wants the comfort.
She wants the money.
She doesn't want the relationship.
She doesn't want you.
She wants what you give her.

She'll tell you what you want to hear and do enough to keep your hopes up, then she'll grow tired of it and it'll all start again.

Has she initiated? Has she tried to understand you and your needs? Or are you still changing for her?

I think you're so hopeful that you can save it, because you want her to finally choose you.

If she wanted to, she would have.
She'd have done anything to keep you.

Meanwhile, I'd do anything to love you.

This is something you have to see on your own. You have to decide if you want to continue to disappear to save a marriage that became a legal contract a long time ago.

Relationships require both people putting forth effort, not just one.

I am sorry to be so blunt...but it hurts me to see this happen to you over and over. I'm not trying to force you or pressure you either way. I just want you to think about things.

I know you "have a love for her," as you told me in the spring. Look deep into your heart and find out what's driving this desire to.make it work. Is it her? Is it the family? Is it your fear of failing?

You deserve a love that you don't have to beg for or earn.

You deserve a love that is warm and welcoming, that brings you in and holds you tightly.

It doesn't have to be this hard.

Please don't let her break your heart again...it will break mine. 💔</sub>