Betrayal

Betrayal

Act I
Sweet sixteen and never been kissed ...
except by the agony of that first betrayal.

Golden haired innocent
dancing in the sun -
         laughing, playing, living
unaware of the betrayal within
until that first moment
when the pain began -
         
         back, feet, knees

                   EVERYWHERE!

Doctors, bloodtests,
whispered conversations
heard through numb ears -

         "She's too young - she can't have
         THAT!?  It's for old people!"

The first specialist -
smiling, jovial,
         
         indifferent?

"Give her sixteen aspirin a day,
that should take care of it.
         NEXT?!?"

         sixteen for sixteen?

But the torture grew worse
and I hobbled around
like a bent old woman
enduring the stares and pity
of my classmates and friends,
betrayed by my once strong body,
wondering if this was now my life.

         Is this ALL there is?
         Is this the best I can hope for?
         Because if so, there is an
         abatement with my name on it...

Until one day
my mother said, "NO MORE!"
and took me to another doctor.

This one did not smile.
"This has been going on
for a year like this?"

"Well he told us to give her
sixteen aspirin a day ..."
my mother replied, anguished.  
"I knew it wasn't right ..."

         I'm seventeen now - should I take one more?

Enraged,
cold,
businesslike -
he admitted me to the hospital
on the day we met -
"Intensive physical therapy,
begin the gold shots
AT ONCE!  No more time to waste!"

Aged before my time
I limped through my days
with burning joints
and such intense suffering
that I began to plan
for the end of my days ...

Until that stern
unsmiling
white-coated knight
rode into my life.

Act II
Double my life in years -
happily married
the pain has eased
and I am almost whole,
living a dream beyond my imagining.

Except for children -
how I ached to have children.
         Golden haired innocents
         dancing in the sun -
                   laughing, playing, living.
Once again,
unaware of the betrayal within.

And so a visit to another doctor
with kind eyes and a gentle smile -
morning temperature rituals,
carefully planned love.
But after a year
         nothing -
my arms were still empty.

More tests, counts, surgery, drugs -

and finally those three words

         You are pregnant!

He seemed as excited as we did.

Planning, naming, dreaming
laughing, feeling, wondering -

         cramping, bleeding

                   death.

His tears matched our own.

Act III

For so many years
I felt that my body betrayed me
and I hated it
and the darkness                    and failure
it represented.

And then one day

         for no particular reason - maybe age?

I became aware of a light
within me -
a light that burned
a light that embraced me
         in spite of arthritis
         in spite of infertility
         in spite of loss
a light that warmed me
from the inside out
and gave me hope.

And this body
which I had so long hated
began to speak to me
of pain and loss and love and light -
and for some reason now
I am able to hear it.