It's hard to do what's right when you won't face where you're wrong. |
Am I Good? Lying in my lonely room I can't escape the dreadful gloom. It’s all around me, but it’s more: It lies deep within my core. I want to brush aside this “gloom” And try to show it out of the room So I can have a normal day And keep this heaviness at bay. But the overwhelming sadness just won’t go And for the first time I want to know Why I feel despair inside? Why this grief I cannot hide? Then they come in the morning light, Fierce soldiers dressed in white, They roust me from my place of sleep And demand that I look hard and deep. One by one they tramp along Soldiers of my conscience marching strong Advancing towards me with swords drawn Demanding I face where I am wrong! At first I tremble at their sight And want to turn and run in fright But I’m surrounded and it is clear They have no use for my claim to fear. I try to act like they aren’t there. I try to say I just don’t care. I try to boost my self-esteem. Anything to not hear my screams! But they won’t bend and now I see They see the darker side of me And the only way I’ll smile once more Is if I face what’s deep in my core. For they’ve not come to strike me dead Or cram their ideas in my head, But as defenders of my best They want to see me pass some tests. But this can’t happen until I see The proddings of the worst in me And learn to fight their subtle twists That threaten my right to exist. They lay the charges at my feet And though they’re gentle, they won’t retreat. But with thoroughness make their case: There are some things I refuse to face. For I would sooner tell a lie Or distract myself with pleasures high Obscure the road so there is no trace Of the true responsibilities I need to face. Then one by one they list my sins. I am shocked at what I’ve been And more shocked still at how I’ve excused The slovenly methods I have used. At first I rush to my defense “I am good. This makes no sense. There must have been a big mistake Someone else these crimes did make.” But they answer, “ There’s no mistake. You no doubt these crimes did make. What matters now is that you learn What makes you take these twisted turns.” "Why do you choose to bury deep And bludgeon into lifeless sleep The parts of you that saw at birth The responsibility you had to Earth? "Why do you feign to be on the side of good While making token efforts to do what you should? Why don't you see Right may not prevail If you deliberately decide to fail? "And what of the times you knew A friend needed you to struggle through To your wisdom, though the fight be long, And half the world thought you in the wrong? "And what about the skills you've had To love the good and send the bad? To use your wit, your mind and will To render the power of evil nil? "But rather than do this important work You've preferred to wallow, whine and shirk And have redefined wrong as that which opposed The foolishness that you chose." All of these things and more These warriors of conscience laid at my door As I sat there quiet and meek And could not move my lips or speak. So when you think you’re doing well And think there is no need for God's Hell Ask the warriors deep within Whether part of you is deep in sin. And want to know if your comfort state The warriors in you don’t hate. And if when your conscience you betray You don’t condemn us all to a frightful day. The warriors remember what we came to do They can’t be fooled and neither should you. Listen well to what they say Don’t put it off one more day. For when this life has run its course And we are dead and full of remorse As pure spirits that cannot lie We’ll have to admit where we didn’t try. But used every excuse in the book To get ourselves off the hook. We misused our clays and behaved like fools, Abusing our spirits’ precious tools. There is no grief so profound and deep As a soul whose promises it fails to keep. So if you doubt you’ve done well Ask that you be sent to God’s hell. Ask to be shown where you are wrong So the rest of your life can be good and strong And ask to know where you might twist What God says and resist. This chance on Earth won’t last The opportunity of today will be long past. When you’re gone don’t have to say, “I’m sorry I failed with my clay.” Don’t have to say with heavy heart “I mostly failed to do my part. I didn’t recognize true friends And gave myself to meaningless ends.” With these words of warning said, While I was tossing in my bed, From mountains high to caverns deep I descended into deepest sleep. Now in nakedness I shiver I’m standing by a raging river Deafened by the roiling foam I peer through the mists to my True Home. Tranquil shores and peaceful woods Mountains upon which I once stood Motives pure and goals set high The memory of when I meant to try. Now I long for this sacred place So towards the grassy bank I race Leaping for that shore so fair Lunging high I slap the air And make it to that land I love; A prayer of thanks to God above. And as I rise on that unsullied shore Vow loyalty to wisdom evermore. Tears of joy stream down my face As my True Home I do embrace And turn to see the place left behind And the failures brought to mind. And I want to become an eagle and fly When suddenly it catches my eye: In the raging river I view in shock My own precious body smashed on the rocks. The anguish of my silent screams Shatters the quietude of my dreams. “I can’t die! I have work to do! Let me go back! I’m not yet through!” But my body lies motionless, empty and scattered Because I wouldn’t use it for the things that mattered. All bets are off for the plans for that clay. No longer will I live to fight another day. “I see this now, and though there are ways To fight for Right and truth without clay How much better off we’d all be If I could use my body to make the world see! “And though now I’ll try as hard as I can To bring to fruition God’s great plan I too late now realize The good I could do if I’d been wise. “If I ever get the chance again To the join the ranks of living men I know I’ll fight with heart and brain To see God’s will done again. “I’ll not become lazy and fat And behave like a spoiled brat Who thinks having clay is my right And my worth is measured by my might. “Nor will I play that wicked game, Putting all I know to shame, By saying life’s only for having fun. That brings confusion great and meaning none. “Nor will I say amassing wealth on Earth Will somehow make me know my worth For gain ill-gotten blinds the soul And diverts us from our deepest goals. “But in every way I’ll work to be true And remember what I came to do So when long last my course is run God can say, “You did well, my son.” Such were the thoughts in my spirit brain, As I vowed to myself again and again Never more to squander my chance To do my utmost to help wisdom advance. And as I lay quietly repeating my vow Asking and asking the why and the how My eye opened sharply. I saw the sun’s rays Dissolving the milky early morning haze. And rising from the bed upon which I lay I pondered the meaning of this brand new day. And saw the promise that I could do what I should Because I'd begun to face where I wasn’t good. I. |