Dear Diary...

Dear Dairy,
OH GOD, I WISH I HAD A BOYFRIEND! Yes I know, I write those words down in almost every page but that shows how badly I want one. I mean, I have lots of guy friends. Tons of them in fact. But they don't treat me like girlfriend material. They think I'm just 'one of the guys'. It gets soooo sickening sometimes. Like today, when I tried to flirt with Greg, I told him there was this great movie I'd like to see, and what does Greg do? Oh yeah, he agrees enthusiastically and rounds up a whole group outing to see it. Ugh... if onlly they could see me as a girl instead of just their bud. None of them have ever been interested in me before.
Met up with Lori today at lunch. I was trying very hard to hide my envy and jealousy. Lori just got a new boyfriend and he is so hot! His name is Darren Miller and he is the school's most popuar bad-boy. She gets popularity and a cute guy! Ugh, I'm soooo jealous. He is really, really cute. He's tall, Lori reaches to his shoulders which is where I would reach too because Lori and I are about the same height. Yeah I know, quit dreaming. He has slightly tanned skin, a mix between brown and gold. He definately works out because I keep noticing his biceps which looks so good with that white shirt he was wearing today. And he has this earring in his right ear which makes him look so dangerous. And his face too. He has a very rugged looking face, a really prominent jaw and it always has a tiny bit of stubble on it, adding to the ruggedness, oh, and these gorgeous high cheekbones which give him the struggling writer look. And I haven't even begun to start on his eyes. Oh, my, god, his eyes are almost like they were made for him! Did I mention that eyes were my favourite part of the entire body? I always look at the eyes first. Anyway, he has this great blue-greenish eyes which has a sort of sparkle in it but now like those all-American sparkling eye types. His is the edgy, bad-boy sparkling type and he always looks at people with his eyes downward, and then glancing up ever-so-slightly. His voice is soft and rough at the same time, I can't describe it. And his hair... his hair is the only part that makes him look like an innocent doll. Though he used to spike it up with hair gel, Lori tries to make him stop. Without gel, his hair, which is a soft, light brown colour, falls over his eyes and lends him a mysterious look. Yet it is like the hair of a child, very fine and very silky and it just... falls perfectly onto his face. I don't even think he needs a comb. I think I've fallen in love... again. Yes, yes, I know I said I've fallen in love almost a million times before. I realise that last week I wrote that I was in love with Cathy's boyfriend, Jeff, but this is the real thing. Or maybe... maybe I just want a boyfriend. I just want someone to hold me and kiss me eventhough the whole school is watching . I want someone to tell me he cares for me in front of all his friends. I want someone that does unexpected things for me, like bringing me a rose even if there is no occasion. Oh heck, I just want a boyfriend. I mean, what wrong with me? Lori is not the even close to drop-dead gorgeous. In fact, I'd say she and I are on the same rank. Sure, since she got her hair cut short, she has that cute pixie look going on but still... I think I could compare myself to her. Why can't I get a boyfriend?


Dear Dairy,
Ugggghhh.... what a day it has been at school. First, everybody keeps coming up to tell me congratulation on my new... boyfriend. I kept on smiling but I really didn't feel anything to smile about. I mean, Darren is really cute and all but that's about it. It's so frustrating sometimes. He doesn't talk to me at all. It's just like we're a couple and that's it. We don't communicate at all except for the small talk and of course, the occasional flirting, mushy things we do in front of our friends. But after that, he just shuts up and doesn't say it word. Sometimes, it gets so quiet, it becomes awkward. And then he just gives me some crap about going to talk to his friends and scrambles off. It's like we're just doing all the boyfriend-girlfriend in front of our friends. It feels to me like we're just acting in front of everyone. Anf after the audience leaves, it's over. We part our ways and ignore each other until the next person comes along. It's not that I haven't tried to forge a connection before, because I have, but it just falls deaf to his ears. He usually answers with a 'yes' or a 'no' or just a shrug. And then when my friend comes along, he acts all attentive. For example today, when I eating a very quiet lunch with Darren, and then I spot Lara Rowens. She's this shy girl in my homeroom. I was dying for conversation so I called her over. Darren didn't notice that and he gave that excuse about going to see his friends and then sped off. Lara came over and seemed a bit disappointed at seeing Darren go. She probably wanted to meet the most popular bad-boy in school. I really wonder how he got that title. He's so quiet, how can he be dangerous? Probably his earring. Oh, back to lunch. So anyway, Lara kept on gushing on about how lucky I was and everything, which I of course just smiled modestly to. She went on saying I was so lucky to get a boyfriend and she hates being single and everything. I really wonder why Lara's single. Perhaps it's that vibe she gives off. She's really shy at times and other times it's like she's so eager to please. I hate saying this, but she sounds desperate for approval. I mean, her looks are okay enough. She's blond and slim and about my height, which is quite tall. And her hair is really nice and straight and long. Sometimes, I regret cutting my hair. I felt a bit self-concious while talking to Lara, who kept on flipping her long hair out of her face. Oops, I keep getting off the topic. I was getting a bit annoyed at her gushing and was about to tell her that being with Darren wasn't the greatest thing in the world when Darren came back. He noticed Lara and he was suddenly Mr. Romantic again. He sat down close next to me and put his arm around my waist lightly, hugging me. He actually kissed me lightly on my cheek, in front of Lara! Obviously, I blushed and smiled shyly at him. Lara stared at us for a moment then excused herself promptly, probably didn't want to disturb us 'lovebirds'. Of course, after she left, his arm slowly started to slide from my waist and the gap between us widened. And then the famous line. "Oh, I think Danny's calling me. I'll be back in a sec." And whoosh, before I even opened my mouth, he was gone. I wished Lara came back. I can't believe I'm saying this, but when Lara was there, and Darren was holding me, I really liked it. I mean, I didn' t like it that Lara was there, but I liked it when he held me. And then when he kissed me softly. I wish he would do that when we were alone instead of just sitting there quietly. I wish he would just stop acting like he loved me.... and just loved me. There, I said it. I wished I had a boyfriend who loved me. For example, like Karen Whitmann's boyfriend, Andy. Now, this is the perfect example. Karen Whitmann and Andy Lawler. They are like, the perfect couple. The couple most likely to get married after graduation. Yes, they were that perfect. Well, at least Andy is. Karen is another mutual friend. We're definately not that close because she's like this cheerleader chick and I'm in an entirely different clique. The not-so-popular group. Okay, I'm getting off topic again! I must make my mind stop wandering. So, Andy is like the sweetest guy I know. I just met him last week when I bumped into Karen at the mall. I didn't know what was wrong with her but she invited me to come to lunch with her and Andy. I was wary but after I was sure she wasn't up to anything, I accepted out of curiousity. She was being way too nice. She even said she loved my new haircut. Hah. Anyway, Andy was with her, obviously. They were never seen apart. And he doesn't just hold her when there are friends around. In fact, he actually talks to her. As in real conversation about their lives! I was pretending to be absorbed in my meal while I was listening to their conversation. Andy was asking her all sorts of things. Like he really cared for her. And he didn't even seem to notice I was there. Not like with Darren. He always notices when people are around and he says things like, "Oh, Lori's always this cute," or "Lori's the greatest" What I'm trying to say is that he always compliments me to other people. He doesn't say any of these things to me. He tells them to everyone else. In fact, just yesterday, his good friend Danny, confided in me that Darren told him that he loves me. If he does love me, why doesn't he just take me to some quiet place, ALONE, and tell me instead of letting the message get back to me second-hand? Totally unlike Andy. He was openly complimenting Karen and not telling me how beautiful she was, but telling her that. He told her that he loved the perfume she was wearing that day, that blue top looked great on her, and he was totally ignoring me. And then he went on to ask her about how her visit to the dentist went, did she manage to fix that scratch on her car before her parents found out. He actually knew about her life. I bet Darren doesn't even know what my favourite colour is. Karen tried to be polite and make small talk with me but I obviously knew that they wanted to be alone so I pretended that I saw my friend and dashed off. Why can't I have a boyfriend like Andy? So caring, attentive to my needs, and interested to know about my life. It's so great to have a boyfriend as your best friend too. I wish I had a boyfriend like that...


Dear Dairy
I am so sick of Andy! He is really, really getting on my nerves. I mean, like, he is soooo smothering. It gets really annoying and embarassing sometimes. Like he can't stand other people talking to me. Possesive. I can still remember last week when I bumped into some girl I knew from school...uhh...what was her name...oh yeah, Lori something. I was so desperate to get away from Andy, I actually like, invited her to lunch. She was a bit surprised at first but after I complimented her on her haircut, she agreed to come along. I was delighted because I was about to burst 'cause like, Andy was asking all sorts of questions. I mean, it's great and all that I can confide in him. He's like my best friend. But sometimes, I wonder if he's flaunting that off because he thinks that he's the one I'd rather talk to than anyone else in the world. I was trying to talk to Lori and I knew she was trying to be polite but she definately noticed that Andy was hanging all over me. He kept on complimenting me on my perfume, hair, whatever and then he asked about my visit to the dentist, for god's sake! I was trying to have a conversation with Lori and I think he was jealous of that. Finally, Lori had enough I think, and she excused herself. She probably wondered why I let Andy smother me. Damn, the phone's ringing again. I know it's Andy. Let me go check.
Yes it was him. It took about fifteen minutes to get rid of him. I had to tell him that it was dinner time or else he wouldn't let go of me. He called because he was thinking about me. Oh, how sweet. In case you didn't notice, that was sarcasm. Wonder if you can see sarcasm through words. I wish... I wish Andy wasn't so... smothering. I want it to be like it was before. Actually, now that I think of it... Andy's always been this way. Oh my god... Andy has always been like this! How could I have not noticed it before??? I need to break up with him. Yes Dairy, you heard me right. I can't stand being tied down like this. Especially with a guy like Andy. But I know, if I broke up with him, it'd be even worse . First of all, he'd become even more smothering than ever. He might even become like those creepy stalkers. I can actually see him as one. Spying on my every move. Secondly, I'd lose a best friend. I just hate to lose a best friend. Andy as a best friend is really great. I remember when we were kids and we weren't a couple yet, God, we'd have so much fun. He was the only guy who actually treated me like... well, like me. Other guys never did. I was always considered 'dating material' instead of friend material. I mean, everytime I tried to do some friendly thing with a guy, he'd take it as a positive sign and try to turn it into something romantic. I just want to be friends. Can't they see that? Sometimes, I envy those girls who have tons of guy friends. I mean, they can say anything and do anything, and a guy won't take it as she's interested in him, but just a friendly gesture. When Andy and I coupled up, I thought everything would remain the same. But he became like all the other guys. Sometimes I wonder if our whole friendship was just a scam.... oh Dairy, I wish guys would just take me as their friend. I wish I were single again! You know what Dairy... maybe I will break up with Andy....