Fitzroy the Clown

The story of Fitzroy the clown begins on a dark
and stormy night. The H.M.S Rusbucket is
gallantly striding through the waves on her
way to the International Congress of Soil
Scientists. Unfortunately, the captain has had
one too many glasses of port at dinner, and is
fast asleep at the wheel, muttering and
drooling over the controls. He fails to notice a
small desert island directly ahead. The H.M.S
Rustbucket smashes into the rocks, leaving
all 28 passengers including 3-
month-old Fitzroy and his parents Janine and
Maurice stranded with nothing but a
cardboard box full of jandals and a ball of
twine. Being the loving, caring type, Janine and Maurice did what any decent parent in their situation would have done; they put on the jandals, packed Fitzroy into the box, and floated him out to sea.
Tragically, soon after, Janine and Maurice
were eaten by the other passengers who in
their hunger turned cannibal.
Surprisingly, Fitzroy survived the traumatic
journey, and was found on the coast of
Helsinki by a poorly fisherman with seven
children and a pregnant wife. He took one
look at the sodden carboard box which still
said 'JANDALS' on the top, and thought "I
must send this boy to the circus ('jandals'
means circus in Finnish), so the poorly
fisherman and his family scraped the last of
their money together, sold their youngest
child, and bought a stamp for 'Albert's
Amazing Circus'.

Albert (from Albert's Amazing Circus) was a
small, potbellied man with no hair and a suit
with buttons. A crafty businessman who
doubled as a ringmaster and a used car
salesman, he didnt mind compromising the
lives of other people if it meant he could save
money.
Nobody particulary liked Albert, mainly
because of his pathetically lame jokes which
he insisted on telling over and over again,
especially if he thought you didnt get it. He
was one of those people you tried to avoid.
Nobody really liked him, but nobody really
hated him, not like Fitzroy. Fitzroy had a
permanently deformed neck that stuck out to
the side after the unicycle he was riding
turned out to be a cheap Japanese import
with faulty steering that made him crash into
the lion's cage and get his head stuck
between the bars. Luckily for Fitzroy, the lions
were another area Albert had obviously cut
shortcuts; they turned out to be stuffed toys
from the Warehouse, the sort that squek when
you squeeze their paws. Fitzroy formed a
grudge and an eye-twitch.

Eileen the Irish Pony Prancer (rides ponies
like you've never seen before!) wore a glittery
sequined costume and feathers in her hair,
and had deep and mysterious relationships
with her ponies - Gallop, Canter, Trot and
Charles.

Through his hate for Albert, Fitzroy became
friendly with Verucca, also known as 'The
Weird Wart Woman - every inch of her body is
covered in warts!' , the freak of the circus, who
had been cruelly rejected by Albert, the love of
her life. As Verucca's life had pretty much
been a long line of rejection due to shallow
males shunning her for her grotesque
appearance, Verucca wasn't suprised, but
she was very, very angry, so angry that the tips
of her warts turned white. Together Fitzroy and
Verucca formed a plan- a plan so ingenius
and astounding they shocked themselves and
felt faint, and had to sit down with smelling
salts whenever they thought about it.

Madame Minsk's caravan was in the corner of
a field of cows, next to another field of cows.
Farmer Hank, who owned the field, wasn't
particulary happy about her living there, but
there was nothing he could do, every time he
approached her she chanted some ancient
curse and danced around her fire, and he was
beginning to fear her, the last time he had
visited her he had come out in a nasty rash.
Fitzroy crept as slyly as he could through the
field, which wasn't very slyly as his overly large
clown shoes kept getting caught on bits of
cowpat. He was slightly alarmed by the sight
of Madame Minsk and her turban, but she was
the answer to all their problems, and after all,
he was wearing bright red shoes and a wig.
She gave him the bottle and cackled shrilly
revealing the remains of a half-eaten fly in her
large, green teeth.

Verucca took the cork out of the bottle and
peered in. A foul smelling odour wound its
way up their nostrils. They planned to replace
Albert's scalp oil with this dastardly potion that
caused the scalp to go dry and flake off, and
everyone knoes no one trusts a flaky scalped
businessman. Albert would be ruined. They
paused to snigger and then lie down a the
thought of their own brilliance.

Verucca waited behind a tree until Albert
emerged from his tent carrying a sack and a
black spandex jumpsuit before she slid
inside, poured the contents of the bottle
labelled 'scalp oil' into her boot, and Madame
Minsk's potion into the scalp oil bottle. Then,
her boot sloshing slightly, she skipped away
back to her owns tent to her beloved tube of
wart cream.

It happened the next morning, while they were
in the main tent. They heard him before they
saw him, shrieking and raging like a bull in
tight pants, with bits of froth flying out the
sides of his mouth and bits of skin flying
everwhere like it was snowing. Albert galloped
into the circus arena, and was promptly and
tragically and most unfortunately run over by
Eileen and Charles, practising line-dancing
for the 7 o'clock show. He was trampled to
death.

But what happened to Eileen and Verucca and
the rest of them?
Fitzroy collected up Albert's dried scalp bits
and marketed them as Instant Potato Flakes -
just add water. He made just enough money
to pay for neck surgery and a russian mail-
order bride.
Verucca discovered Albert had been a cat
burglar, and naturally took of with his stash of
money and started up a convent.
Eileen's horse Charles turned out to have a bit
of a murderous streak in him, and went on a
rampage. Eileen was sent to jail.
And Madame Minsk stayed in her caravan,
brewing and chanting an eating dead flies.