Dear Professor

Dear Professor Crisp,

I have just worked through your email course entitled 'Ten steps to becoming a writer' and followed all ten steps meticulously:

Step 1 - "Study, study, study!"
I enrolled in three different classes at the local college; plumbing, sewing and childcare. I didn't learn much about writing, but I made £10 for fixing Mrs Witherspoon's leaky tap and now look after two year old Molly twice a week.

Step 2 - "Find your speciality."
This was quite difficult as I have never been much of a cook, but I can now do a passable chicken curry without it sticking to the bottom of the pan.

Step 3 - "Write anywhere and everywhere."
I did. My case comes up Thursday. The judge called me a graffitti artist, but when I tried to explain that I was learning to be a writer not an artist, he doubled my fine for trying to play the fool. Now he thinks I want to be an actress!

Step 4 - "Speed writing - write anything as fast as you can in 5 minutes."
I did really well on this. I wrote 'anything' 108 times.

Step 5 - "Read the classics."
I wasn't too sure about this, so I asked my friend Annie if she knew any classics. When she replied "Have you heard the one about the vicar and ....." I realised this was the lesson on how to write humour.

Step 6 - "Find your own style."
Although Annie said the black trousers and sparkly top suited me best, I prefer something a bit more feminine like a long skirt and blouse.

Step 7 - "Choose your outlets."
While Argos was always well-stocked and offered a gold card, I found Toys'r'us gave more value for money.

Step 8 - "Ply your trade."
Annie told me what this meant. The judge said he may as well deal with this too on thursday.

Step 9 - "Expect rejection."
I sent away seven articles to magazines and five were rejected, which I was really pleased about. I was a little disappointed to find two were accepted, but I just threw them in the bin and put it down to experience.

Step 10 - "If at first you don't succeed...."
In my case ".....give up!" You said and i'm grateful for your honest opinion.

Thank you for the full refund. I understand you do a course on poetry?