The Pearly Gates

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Cast:

St. Peter: An unshaven man, who slouches while he walks.
Stuart Greentree: Mid-thirties, business casual outfit.
William Fairbanks: 70 year old outdoorsman
Anatasia Fairbanks: 75 year old woman, very proper looking
Lackey 1: normal guy, light gray nondescript clothing
Lackey 2: normal girl, light gray nondescript clothing
Henry: College age everyman
Maria: College age everywoman

Set: Simple white walls, large table set right center stage with two chairs on opposite sides of the table all painted white. On the table is an intercom, but know wires attached to it. Two doors are located side by side up center stage one painted maroon and one lilac. One door is located left center stage painted white. Another door is located behind the table and is painted gray.

(Enter Peter wearing a Michigan State sweatshirt and sweatpants, he is carrying a large white cover book with him, which he sets on the table along with a coffee cup, he pulls out the chair and sits down, looking around and fidgeting.) (Knocking sound comes from white door)

Peter: Enter!

(An old lady opens Door; Peter jumps up and escorts her to the chair)

Peter: Hello mam, may I ask your name?

Anastasia: My name is Anastasia Fairbanks. (Quickly adds) Of the Vermont Fairbanks, not those black sheep from New Jersey.

Peter: (Flipping through book) Well, is it Ms. or Mrs. Fairbanks?

Anastasia: Mrs. I took my beloved Mr. Fairbanks’ name when we were married ...55 years ago. Sadly Mr. Fairbanks did not live to see all of those years, he passed on 7 years ago, what a lovely man! Maybe you met him? I’m sure he would strike your memory, his death was very brutal you know. He fell down the stairs of our gorgeous hunting cabin in the woods, a shame… and felt through out the community.

Peter: I’m sure mam…what was your maiden name? You don’t seem to be listed with the Fairbanks, from either Vermont or New Jersey.

Anastasia: My maiden name was (mumbles) Hendrickson.

Peter: Excuse me?

Anastasia: (flustered) Hendrickson, My name is Anastasia Hendrickson, all right?

Peter: Ok…. Ah here we go…(shock) oh…um

Anastasia: (Scowling) What is the matter?

Peter: Um, we might have a problem Mrs. Hendrickson.

Anastasia: Mrs. Fairbanks, please!

Peter: Mrs. Fairbanks. (Smiles at her) We um, we have a request in here from someone whom wishes to have a say in this particular decision.

Anastasia: I thought this was between Jesus and me.

Peter: Mrs. Fairbanks, Jesus is a very busy man and simply cannot hear every case that comes through this door, that’s why I’m here. I kind of screen his calls. No, Jesus is only called in for the major problems, Hitler, Mussolini, Nixon and so forth. But one of our earlier applicants asked that he be called when you arrived, he apparently has some vital information that applies to your case.

Anastasia: Well, who is it? I simply cannot fathom who could have any information about me which would affect my entrance to heaven. I was unaware that the all mighty needed informants. Indeed! This is nonsense.

Peter: We have to follow procedure mam, I’m sorry. (Hits intercom button) Please send in Mrs. Hendrickson’s visitor, we are ready now. (Releases intercom turns to Anastasia) We really didn’t need to get this, we used to just shout out the doors to anyone we needed, but I suppose that we must modernize with the times (gestures to his clothes.) Ah, here he comes!

(Enter though the lilac door, an old man wearing a flannel shirt and khakis; Grandma stands up at his entrance with look of dismay and shock)

William: Why hello, honey, long time no see.

Anastasia: William, oh my (sinks into chair)

Peter: Are you Ok, Mrs. Fairbanks?

William: (loudly towards Peter) Of course she’s all right, she’s tough. (towards Anastasia) Tough enough to push me down the stairs, huh Annie? Thought you were rid of me, didn’t you sweetie? Tough nuggets! See I got into heaven but I sure don’t want you around nagging me about my (imitation) cholesterol. I eat seventeen eggs a day and I love it, I got me a nice gal to watch movies with too! So nah nah nah.

Anastasia: (angry) I did not push you down the stairs! You slipped on the Old Spice you spilled earlier in the day. The cops could smell it on your shoes.

William: How interesting, considering I don’t like that crap and never wore it even though you got it for me on our anniversary every year!

Peter: Let’s settle down now! Mr. Fairbanks, why did you insist on coming to this meeting?

William: Your not too bright there sonny, (Peter scowls at the word sonny) I, of course, want to make sure that she (points over shoulder at Anastasia) doesn’t get into heaven. She’s gonna get her due, even if the cops were too stupid to figure it out. I demand that she does not get sent to heaven! She should burn!

Anastasia: (to Peter) Are your really going to listen to this ornery old cuss?

Peter: Please, just stay calm. (turns to William) We do not take suggestions from relatives about the here after of the new arrivals, Mr. Fairbanks. (turns toward
Anastasia) Even though this information was not made available to me I must take it into consideration, apparently we need to work out some bugs in the system, (to himself) this should not have gone unnoticed.

Anastasia: (standing) Unnoticed! I didn’t push him! I was playing bridge when I heard him fall, don’t take his word for it, he is biased.

William: Shut up you old bat! (shock on Anastasia’s face, fade to scorn)

Anastasia: (sitting and crossing arms) I wish I had shoved you!

William: (triumphant point) See she wishes my death! She just wanted my money! I knew it, she…

(Every one turns to look and the rant is interrupted by Lackey 1 who enters through the maroon door, and hands a piece of paper to Peter, then exits, Peter reads the paper)

Peter: (looks up at Anastasia) Are you Catholic?

Anastasia: No! I have always been a member of the Evangelical Church; no matter where I live I made it a point to attend an EVANGELICAL Church every Sunday of my entire life. WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO KNOW IF I AM A CATHOLIC?

Peter: Please stay calm Mrs. Hendrickson (deadly glance from Ana) er Mrs. Fairbanks. I was merely asking because we may be here for a while. There is a line...

William: Of course we’re going to be here for a while…. we’re all DEAD.

Anastasia: Shut up! William if you don’t shut up, I’ll….

William: (smugly) kill me? What could you do? I’m dead and I made it into heaven, I’m doing pretty well here, you’re the one who is in limbo.

Peter: LIMBO! Exactly, Mrs. Fairbanks, you are in limbo. See until we can look through the records I can’t place you in Heaven.

Anastasia: (crest fallen) So I’m going to….

Peter: See that’s the thing, (picks up the paper) they don’t want you either.

William: HA HA HA HA, they don’t want you either! (laughs so hard he sits down on stage and rocks back and forth)

Peter: Actually, word is that a plane full of lawyers went down and Beelzebub needs to make sure he has room…and I wouldn’t feel right about putting you down there, it is hard to get a person out of their files, because the secretary is a little cuckoo. So….

Anastasia: So? How long will this all take? It’s a little disconcerting to not know where you are spending the rest of your life…death…life you know what I mean!

Peter: I could put you into purgatory, but since you’re not Catholic…the paperwork is quite extensive for those not of the Catholic faith, but they are completely doable.

Anastasia: If that is my only choice…

William: You have to go to purgatory! Oh how the worm has turned! This is the happiest I have ever been with you around. Thanks for giving me such a laugh.

(enter Lackey 2 from the lilac door, hands a piece of paper to Peter who picks it up and reads it, Lackey 2 leaves, all eyes on Peter)

Peter: (big smile) Congratulations, Mrs. Fairbanks.

Anastasia: What is it!

Peter: Thanks to Mr. Fairbanks admitting that he is happy when you are around, the Big Whigs upstairs have decided to wave any further discussion. They feel that no one can find happiness from a person that killed them.

William: But I was rejoicing at her turmoil, I still don’t like her. She made my life miserable; I don’t want her around in my afterlife!

Anastasia: (beaming) Oh thank you, thank you, thank you! (jumps up and hugs William) And we'll see about that girlfriend tomorrow.

(William, stunned turns and walks slowly to the back wall and starts pounding his head against it, rhythmically, black out)

Scene Two

Peter: Enter!

(a middle-aged man opens door slowly)

Peter: Name?

Stuart: (stuttering) Stuart Greentree, sir.

Peter: Sit down Mr. Greentree (flips through book) Stuart you say? (Continues looking) Where were you from Stu?

Stuart: (looks at Peter and whispers) New (gains courage) Berlin

Peter: (interrupting, and flipping in the book) Berlin eh, funny, no accent. (Man begins to protest) Ah, here we go Stuart Grunbaum, I really don’t know why you bothered to give me the English version I am fluent in every language, but people just want to get through the line, I’m sure---(glances at book) um Mr. Grunbaum, about August 16th 1985 could you help clarify that event.

Stuart: I..I don’t know what you are talking about, that isn’t…

Peter: Yes, Yes, everyone tries to get out of their messes with “oh that isn’t me you must have looked up the wrong name in the book” I've heard it many times. (serious) That situation really isn’t likely since I have been doing this job for two thousand years…Unless you would like to do my job Mr. Grunbaum, oh here you go take the book and weed out the undesirables…

(Stuart backs up in his chair and holds his hands up in front of him)

No? You don’t want to? Well maybe you should cooperate then. Now Mr. Grunbaum please just explain what happened on the 16th.

Stuart: The 16th of August? 1985? (Peter nods affirmative) Well, I would have been about twenty years old, in college. Nice Sweatshirt by the way, was that your Alma matter?

Peter: Don’t change the subject, and no it wasn’t, I’ve been a working stiff this whole time.

Stuart: Well, you might be referring to the incident with.... with my neighbor’s cat…but I contend that it rolled around in that bandage until it got tangled completely and then fell in that can of blue paint all by itself.

Peter: What?

Stuart: I was nowhere near Fluffy that day, I know that Mrs. Phelps blamed me but I was at the mall with my girlfriend and she would vouch for me.

Peter: What girlfriend?

Stuart: Laura McGraff, she had the short red hair, and those sweaters….

Peter: Excuse me; I don’t have anything about any cat.

Stuart: What? Then what was on the 16th of August in 1985? If it wasn’t that cat, what could it be?

Peter: Says here that you where driving along a road and hit a dog. Your BMW kept on going and the dog’s owners, including their kid, watched you keep tooling along.

Stuart: I’ve never owned a BMW. Back then I drove a ’76 Pinto! If I turned the wheel too far, I got oil on the engine and a fire would break out. If I had hit a dog, my car would have exploded on impact! For heaven’s sakes I drove a Geo Metro until now. Do you really think that I could or will ever be able to afford a BMW? I highly doubt it! And if I did I sure as hell would not hit a dog with it!

Peter: Calm down, Mr. Grunbaum

Stuart: MY NAME IS GREENTREE! Mr. Stuart Alexander Greentree, I am from NEW BERLIN, Wisconsin, and I really don’t see why you insist that I am some guy from Germany! I am and have always been an American citizen; I’ve never even been to Europe.

Peter: (quietly) New…Berlin, Wisconsin (flips through book) oh here you are…um you can go through the lilac door now, your clear. Have a nice day Mr. …um…Greentree.

Stuart: Have a nice day? Have a nice day? That’s it? Do you realize that I might have gone to the wrong place…you could have damned me.

Peter: I know that but it all worked out fine in the end didn’t it? The mistake was corrected before any major problems occurred. Now, the lilac door is waiting for you, and I have a line…Good day.

(Peter flips through the book and marks something on a page; Man looks around a little stunned and wonders out through the lilac door.)



Scene Three

Open: Peter sitting behind desk with feet up.
(Knocking from white door.) (Peter slams feet to ground and straightens himself)

Peter: Enter!

(Enter a man and woman, covering themselves with a king-size sheet, dark in color) (Peter jumps up and places another chair in front of the table)

Peter: Hello, please sit down.

Henry: Thank you. (quickly walks to chair almost yanking the sheet from Maria)

Maria: Henry, slow down (wrestles the sheet back)

Henry: Maria, he told us to sit.

Maria: I heard him! This is so embarrassing. (sits down hard).

Peter: (stifling laugh, trying to be stoic) Can I have your names please?

Henry: Poole, Henry Poole, pleased to meet you. (shakes hands with Peter) Nice place you got. (stands up and starts wandering, bringing Maria with him)

Peter: And your name, miss?

Maria: Maria. Maria Potter. Henry! (swats Henry to get his attention) Could we sit down already? I think he needs to talk to us. (Henry looks baffled) Him, Henry (pointing) he needs to talk to us. Excuse me what is your name?

Peter: Peter, miss.

Maria: Peter…Peter…you’re...Your're Saint Peter! (Peter nods) You’re a Saint. Oh God. (Clamps hand over mouth and look scared)

Peter: Don’t worry, he only gets upset because it distracts his attention.

Maria: (to Peter) I didn’t mean to distract him. (to the ceiling) I didn’t mean to distract you!

Peter: Actually he’s kind of over there somewhere right now. (points to lilac door)

Henry: Can we get this thing on the road?

Peter: Yes, of course. (takes his chair) Now, Henry Poole and Maria Potter. (opens book) Not married, huh? (Maria looks stricken and lays her head on table) Ok, I’ll take that for no. (Henry is still looking around the room) Henry (snaps fingers to get attention) Henry, oh my.

Henry: (perks up) What, what does it say? (Tries to take book)

Peter: Hey!

(Peter and Henry tug of war with the book for a few seconds, Peter loses grip, Henry goes flying and Maria follows. Peter retrieves book, and places is on the table then helps the two up)

Maria: What do you think you were doing Henry!

Henry: There’s something bad in that book about me.

Maria: That doesn’t matter, you just picked a fight with St. Peter, you idiot.

Henry: So what, I can take him in a fight no problem. He’s pretty small. (Peter puffs up and looks offended) I’ve taken on bigger guys when I had the flu. (nudges Maria) Hey, remember that night at Rosie’s Bar, that guy thought he could hit on you, what with me having a fever and coughing all the time. I learned him something that night. (pantomimes lifting someone over his head and dropping him, laughs the whole time)

Maria: One, that guy was drunk. Two, he wasn’t even half your size. Three, he wasn’t a Saint! This guy has god on his side. When’s the last time you’ve even been to Church? Think about it Henry, Peter has the supreme creator on his side, and you have…a sheet. I suppose, that the next guy you take on will be Jesus, huh.

Peter: I doubt that.

Henry and Maria: What?

Peter: Please sit. It’s easier if you sit, and then you won’t have to worry about the sheet as much. (Maria, blushes and adjusts herself) Really, Maria, this happens more often than you think, I have at least five couples come through here bare assed a day, you’re my third today. It would even be okay if you didn’t wear the sheet, we are all on an equal level here. (Maria, turns pale and clutches the sheet harder) Or if you feel better keep the sheet. Please sit.

Henry: What does it say about me in there?

Peter: Actually, I’m going to start with Maria.

Maria: (Maria places her head on the table) I should have gone to confession more.

Peter: You’re actually in pretty good shape. If you’re worried about you and Henry… We’ve never really been able to keep that whole no sex before marriage thing going. If that was the damning aspect of society, I would have been obsolete before I got the job. (Looks around) And we wouldn’t need all these doors, just the one (point to the maroon door) That would be a boring job, we could just build a sign, or just funnel all of you in. Heck, if it came to that, I wouldn’t even have the job, I’d be down there too. (Lackey 1 sticks his head in from the gray door, Peter points to him with his thumb) He wouldn’t have a job either. (Lackey 1 gives a huge smile and pulls door closed) Any way, we aren’t as concerned with the sex, as we are about long term monogamy.

Maria: (brightening) Well, I’ve done that, Henry’s the only one. You see, we’re in love and I guess I’ve always assumed…ya know, that we would get married, after school. (grabs Henry’s hand, and looks at him adoringly)

(Henry stares at her and then looks at Peter and returns to Maria, he looks uncomfortable)

Maria: Right Henry,(pulling on arm) snugglebear, what’s wrong?

Peter: That’s what’s in the book.

Maria: What does he mean, Henry? (Squeezes Henry’s hand hard) What do you mean, Peter?

Henry: It didn’t mean anything, honey I swear. It was only one time. (tries to get hand away) Honey, I think you’re breaking my hand, please. (does everything he can to get out of her grip)

Maria: Be glad I’m not squeezing something else. (Squeezes a little harder, turns to Peter) Who was it Peter?

Peter: I’m not supposed to tell you, I’ve already gone over the line.

(Henry thrashes around trying to get away from her but can’t budge her hand, look of pain on his face gets more exaggerated as time goes on.)

Maria: The line! This isn’t about lines, this was my life. I just spent five years with him. I should know. (Growls) Tell me Peter.

Peter: I can’t.

(Maria lunges for the book before Peter can react, swings it right side up and reads, Peter tries to get it back)

Maria: (Focusing on Henry and letting go of book, sending Peter flying again) (high voice) Kirsten Bebeau? That two dollar slut from The Attic?

Henry: It was just once, I was drunk. You were gone, at your mother’s house.

Maria: I was going through hell at my mother’s house, and you decide to bang KB toy store. And being drunk has nothing to do with it, I could have had an entire band if I wanted to while you were fishing in May. Do you have anything to say for yourself?

(Henry stammers)

(Lackey 2 comes in through lilac door, and hands Peter a note, sits on table kicking her feet until Peter reads. Peter dismisses Lackey 2, who checks out Henry before leaving through maroon door)

Peter: Excuse me. (both look at him, Henry gratefully) Could you both sit? (Both cross stage and sit) Here’s the deal. I got notice from the chiefs. Maria goes to purgatory for a while because of the band, then passes go and collects $200. Henry, you get a go straight to hell card.

Henry: What? It was just once.

Peter: Are you trying to argue? There is no arguing this. Now get going. I would also like to mention that you two have set a new precedent in here. We weren’t going to stop seeing couples together but after this…yeah, I’m only going to see one person at a time from now on. I can’t take this anymore. Get moving. Henry, you get maroon, Maria, you get gray for now. After awhile you’ll get upgraded.

Maria: I don’t see why I can’t go straight into heaven. I didn’t do anything.

Peter: No you didn’t do anything but you thought about it. And by the rules and standards of the Catholic Church, to which you prescribed, if you think it you did it, and therefore Purgatory it is until you work it out of your system. Now get moving, a line is forming.

(Maria and Henry try to go to their doors get tugged back by the sheet. They fight for a few seconds.)

Maria: I get the sheet Henry!

Henry: Why do you get the sheet, I’m the one going to hell! I should get it.

(they squabble back and forth)

(Lackey 1 comes in with a scissor and cuts the sheet in half. Henry and Maria look at each other, Henry storms off; Maria flips her hair and finds Lackey at her side who escorts her out the gray door. Blackout on Peter standing there.)