The blood on my hands

There was a time when I could say that my life was filled with innocence. Without the problems in the world surrounding me.Somehow it is always taken away from you. It might be a person that you trusted all your life. One day the truth is shown to you.


January 14, 1992 it was my girlfriend's birthday. We spend it together each year. She lived next door to me since she was fourteen. Twelve years later I never knew she would be this close to me.


In the morning I took her to this little coffee shop she loves to go to. Sitting there we stared in to each other's eyes. On this day she decided to say something. "Where do you think this relationship is headed William?" I did not know how to answer her. I knew she was saying this because we were arguing the other night. "I don't know?" "I loved you. I always loved you." she said as she held my hand. "But if you do not know what you want to do next. I think we should stop seeing each other." I moved my hand away from hers. Then she continued to stare at me. After five minutes I looked away. She got out of her chair and walked out of the coffee shop. As I sat there by myself, thoughts of what I should have told her ran through my head. How I loved her and how I want to spend the rest of my life with her. Everyday would not feel complete without her. She did not get to hear that.

The afternoon I left to her.She went out with her friend Steven. He was a close friend of hers.I never liked how close they were to each other. It reminded me of how we use to be. Sometimes i thought about if she was going around behind my back and having sex with Steven.I knew Susan would never screw around behind my back but it always worried me.I trusted Susan enough to give her the privacy she deserves. I was not close to steven but Susan loved me there was no if ands or buts about it. I just drowned out all those thoughts I was having. Let them fade away with all those other thoughts of nothing that ever existed.

All I was thinking about was what I wanted to have a part of me the rest of my life. Susan was someone I wanted to be with forever. When days were at there lowest she would be the one person I thought of that would be there with me. Marriage is something we talked about doing, but never really had a final answer on that. So I went out to buy an engagement ring for her.


I walked to her house that night. My palms were sweating. I was thinking to myself how I was going to let all my feelings out in the open. As I knocked on the door, it swung open. Walking into the house. There she was lying on the floor. She was crying. I walked over to her and knelled to the ground. She looked toward me and said, "He raped me."."Who raped you?" "Steven." I carried her in my arms and put her on her couch. I called for an ambulance and walked over to my house and took a gun I had in my cabinet in the living room.I had this gun for protection, but never thought of using it to kill a man. Steven lived about three blocks from where I lived. So I walked down the street with the gun in my hand. The neighbor's saw me with the gun in my hand, so I knew I did not have much time. As I walked in front of Stevens house, there he was sitting on the porch. He stood up and looking at me "Whatever she said it's not true." Right when he said that I knew he was lying. I had not even said her name yet. I pointed the gun at him and fired three rounds into his chest. He fell to the ground. Crawling with the little strength he had left he opened his door. He laid there motionless halfway into his house. I walked up to his body and fired two more rounds into his head. I through the gun onto the lawn and sat there where the street began. I could hear the sound of the ambulance that was headed to Susan's house and I could hear the sirens of the police headed toward me.

One year later after my sentencing.

I never saw Susan while I was in the courtroom. They gave me a life sentence for the murder of Steven. I deserve everything that I got. There was one person I wanted to hear from.Susan. I wanted to hear from her what she had to say. So I wrote a letter to Susan.


Susan,
I haven't heard from you for a while. I hope you are doing o.k. I'm not sure if you even want to talk to me so I'll keep it short. There were things that I always wanted to tell you, but the chance I had. I let them pass without ever thinking that there would never be another time to. Our chance to make a life together is over. I made that decision for you. The love I had for you was more than words can ever say. Your reasons for not seeing me I could understand. I know that all you see when you look at me now is the blood on my hands, so I do not blame you if you never speak to me again. This will be the last letter I write to you. I love you and always will.
William