Terrified

Title: Terrified – or what Buffy should say to Spike in the finale.

Author: Xionin
Rating: G
Pairing: Buffy/Spike.
Feedback: Sure, why not?
Disclaimer: ME dropped the ball. I picked it up.

--Terrified --

Ok, before you say anything just listen.
Alright?

Thanks.

You want to know if I'm terrified?
Hell yeah…I am.

I can’t go back.
I can’t go forward, so…

Which way do I go?

I’ve been standing still for so long that I'm afraid, if I move, I’ll fall.
Fall in…fall out…just fall.

The kiss. It was…familiar and yeah I was a little surprised, but that’s no excuse.
You know how, when you trip, you try to fall backwards because you think it’s easier;
that it won’t hurt as much?

As if not a day has passed.
As if 4 years haven’t gone by.

It was funny.
Only…not.

And it was familiar, b-but again with the ‘not’.

I felt like Sleeping Beauty or something, y’know?
One kiss and something in me woke up, only not what you think.

I didn’t know you were standing there,
but somehow when you walked away…I knew.
The air changed or something.

I just knew.

And then the kissing stopped.
And I think he knew.

We danced around it for a while, trying to recapture some
of what our memories still held for us; Memories so
sanitized by time and trauma that we both had to laugh.

But the fairytale is over.

Sure, we said ‘someday’, but that’s as slippery as ‘anytime.’
I might not even get a ‘someday’.
Odds are I don’t. I only get today.

And tonight.

So I have to ask myself...‘self’, I say, ‘what if there’s a tomorrow?’
What if there is a tomorrow?
Do I keep standing still?

I know I can’t go back.
Even though it feels safe, I know it isn’t.

And ‘safe’ isn’t what I need.

‘Safe’ is in the eye of the beholder, isn’t it?
It’s an illusion.
I know that now.

I'm done with fairytales.

I'm done with Dark Knights in tarnished armor.
I want something real.

Does that make me a grown-up?
Well...I don’t feel very grown-up.

All I know is...when I’m with you...
and last night...and...

When you look at me
the way you are...right now...

Spike...

Yeah. I’m terrified.

-fin-