Greetings from the G-Police

Hello.

We have reached the inescapable conclusion that people over a certain age have a hard time not slipping into colloquial sayings on occasion.

Nothing irritates us more than this.

To prevent suspending privileges from otherwise upstanding citizens, we have formulated an ingenious plan to keep the offending sayings off the scrolling chat.

Individuals who have a hard time remembering that certain phrases are not appropriate will be forcibly reminded by their very own computers! At no cost to the member, a device will be systematically installed on all Writing.com registered users’ computers, starting with those members with the most recent infractions and trickling down until all keyboards are equipped.

This small device (unnoticeable to the naked eye) will continuously scan what is being typed, and if offending phrases are found in the text box, a mild electric shock will be sent via the mouse when attempting to click the send button. This will gently remind the user to look over what they may have typed. They will then be able to correct the problem before it actually becomes one!

Our tests have found this method to be extremely effective at stopping non-G rated words from slipping into the system.

Legally, we must warn you of the possible side effects. We are sure that you all will agree that it is a very small price to pay for keeping these most foul words off the scrolling chat.

The average person, with a high learning curve, will experience little to no effect. However, repeat offenders will find the shocks increasing in intensity exponentially. Fingertip burns are the most common result, followed by heartbeat irregularities for those over 40. Extreme cases, those incapable of learning with gentle persuasion, may experience mild to moderate brain damage. This sounds worse than it actually is. In 12 out of 30 test subjects, the offending slang terms were simply obliterated from the member’s long and short term memory! Can this really be called brain damage? It sounds more like brain improvement!

Please look over this list of terms: crap, craps, crapper, crapping, crappy, suck, sucks, sucked, sucking, sucky, blow, blew, blows, blowing, bite, bit, bites, bitting, LMAO, ROTFLMAO, eat my shorts, and finally Alfred. These words, no matter what their context, will not be tolerated.

We will be expanding our list (as we see fit) in the future.

If you have used any of these phrases in last 96 hours, you should be expecting a white van with no markings and no license plates at any moment. Four strong men dressed in all white will enter your home and complete the installation of the device to all computers and laptops they may find. For your own safety, we suggest you not make any sudden movements or resist them in any way.

The installation is occurring at this very moment. All members should be outfitted by the end of the summer. This should solve this problem most effectively.

The next phase of our plan involves outfitting all the major studios with similar devices, and editing these offending phrases from already released so-called-G movies. Disney is at the top of this list, followed closely by Warner Brothers.

Once all cartoons have also been purged of these most unwholesome words, we will expand our program to the rest of daytime programming: The WB, FOX, and UPN first, followed by NBC, CBS, and ABC. Cable channels will soon follow.

We’d like to thank you for this opportunity to better our writing community, and the world at large.

Sincerely,

The G-Police