Someone You Used To KNow

Disclaimer: I don’t own these characters, their names, their likenesses or anything of that ilk. This is complete and utter fiction and is in no way meant to represent their real life proclivity's nor was it written for any financial gain. In other words I’m just a poor, sad college student and I’m beyond broke so please don’t sue.


Also lyrics from Collin Raye’s Someone You Use To Know are interspersed throughout. And no I don’t own that either.

Someone You Used To Know

Too much time alone to question one’s self is not good.

I’d heard that in a movie somewhere and it always felt like a reworking of something I’ve always believed ‘Never Stop Moving’. And yes it’s cliched, it belongs on a shirt. Hell maybe it had actually been on one of my shirts, after all this time I can’t remember. But none of that makes it any less true. When you stopped, once you stopped it allowed all the thoughts you figured you’d drowned in your particular addiction of choice and all the demons you had been running from to finally catch up with you. Now if you don’t want that, well then you damn well better keep running, keep walking , hell keep crawling if you have to. That’s what I’ve been doing for about as long as I can remember.

My bags are packed now, just sitting on the bed. There isn’t a damn thing holding me here. I almost convinced myself that I’m just waiting for the weather to let up but that isn’t it at all. I know that when I leave here I’m leaving a big part of my life behind. Something that I’ve carried around with me for what feels like forever. When I leave this time, for once Shawn isn’t coming with me. Of course in reality he hasn’t been with me for years.

Lately he’s been on my mind a lot, but then again that usually happens around this time. Christmas is coming up and that was always our favorite time of year. Shawn and I spent a lot of great holidays together but the only one I can ever remember clearly is our final one.

He always brought out the kid in me, who knows why. But for some reason I hiding behind a tree outside our house when he came home that day. It was freezing cold and I had a handful of snow in my hand just waiting for him to get out of the car. I suppose that’s when I should have known, it took him too long. He just sat there, in the drivers seat, still holding onto the wheel. But I wasn’t thinking clearly, I was just glad to have him back home with me. When he’d told me he had to go on this retreat to figure some things out I didn’t protest. Sure Shawn, you think you want to be a Christian now, go ahead. I wanted to be a magician when I was ten and I’d still like to be a race car driver. Well I didn’t actually say that to his face but I didn’t think I needed to. I was certain it was a phase and I was also certain Shawn knew that too. Go ahead explore, wherever and whatever you have to...just come back to me.

When he finally did get out of the car I let him have it. That snowball connected right against his head and the pensive look dropped from his face replaced by surprise.

As he turned around, trying to find the culprit I couldn’t help laughing which immediately told him where I was.

“Come on out man.”

“Welcome back. Why don‘t you pick up some snow and try and hit me back. And I emphasize try.”

“I’m not really in the mood today Hunter.”

“It’s good to have you back home...is something wrong?”

“Let’s just go inside.”

That’s the conversation, as clearly as I remember it, or at least that’s as much as I want to remember. Because when it comes to what happened once we went inside, that’s where I make my recollection stop. I can’t think about that. It still kills me.

I know I gave him the cross before he ever told me. I’d seen it in the mall sometime during the week while he was gone and I knew immediately he’d like it. It wasn’t too small and feminine and it wasn’t huge and bling-bling gaudy. It was simple and understated and pure gold.

The look on Shawn’s face when he opened it hadn’t exactly been what I’d expected. There was surprise and then for a brief second before his face crumpled there was that smile that I lived and died for.

‘If it’s important to you, its important to me‘. I think that’s what I said, that or some other such Yoda-esque supportive comment.

I’d been so naive. I still thought, even after all he’d done, all the changes he’s gone through that what we had was so unshakable that no man could put it asunder. In the end it hadn’t been man, it had been God

It’s snowing outside now, just like it was that day. I wonder if remembers.

One week after he came home, I moved out and into a hotel. It was best. I don’t know which one of us said that but for some reason I think it was mutual. Then again I wasn’t thinking too clearly during those days. I felt hollowed out, I walked around in a fog and there’s not a match that followed that I can remember from start to finish. It was like I went on auto pilot and eventually I just started phoning it in. I was determined to run my body right into the ground and after 5 months of redlining it I did just that. The injury was just one in a long string that I’ve suffered. Had I been a little younger and more importantly had I had the heart I could have come back. I could have rehabbed and trained and been back inside in under a year. But I just didn’t want to, not anymore. So I walked away, without any preamble or farewell ceremonies and they let me walk away without much more than a wave. That’s the lesson you learn about this business, for all the talk about family and friendship there’s only one family that ever really counts and I don’t share their last name. Like anyone else there, I was a product to them, a product that was slowly becoming obsolete. So before I could be trashed, I made my exit. All the talking I did about this business being my life, everything I said about being ‘The Game‘, was bullshit. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my job but I loved Shawn a hell of a lot more. I started in this business for myself, I stayed in it to be with Shawn, When Shawn had to leave I stayed in it to impress him, to still give him a link to the life he’d had to leave behind. When he came back I felt revitalized, I felt young again and I felt like I never wanted to leave. But when we split I knew I couldn’t stay there, day after day, seeing him, being with him but somehow never able to really be with him. So I subconsciously got myself out the only way I knew how. My heart wouldn’t give up on him and neither would my head so that put it all on my body and after all the punishment I put it through it finally freed us all.

That was all nine years ago. Nine years, when you say it like that it makes people think there were moments and experiences to fill all those long days. Maybe there were but none of them really come to mind. I was never stupid with my finances so I invested some and I still have all my money from those days. I spend most of my time now traveling. Seeing all the places I always wanted to spend more time in except there was always a pay per view the next day or a handicap match that night. I also took up my art again. It always felt good to draw, to get a pen or pencil back in my hand, it was the only thing that ever felt more familiar than the ropes or the mat. Mostly I sketch the buildings I’ve seen, the architecture, anything that really strikes me as particularly beautiful. Except faces, I just can’t seem to draw faces anymore. They all come out looking just like him.

Nine years is also coincidentally how long it had been since I’d run into Shawn. I always worried when people said, ‘It’s a small world’ I hoped that wasn’t true. And after almost a decade I was starting to believe it wasn’t. But it’s just when you get too cocky that fate comes and bites you in the ass.

The first thing I heard was his laugh and I almost dropped my coffee. See, its things just like that, that you don’t forget. They’re imbedded in your memory and when they resurface they bring with them a string of others. Suddenly I remembered the way his hair smelled that time we’d gotten caught in the rain. The way his hands felt, sturdy and solid always there for me in the ring. The feel of his hands strong and secure in our bed.

I let go a ragged breath and shifted in my seat. I’d walked into the hotel dining area without so much as an upward glance. That wasn’t unusual, over the years I’d learned how to ignore people and coincidentally the fans had long ago forgotten about an old timer like me.

I didn’t turn around right away. I had to make sure it was really him, which didn’t take long. Soon enough I heard that deep, melodious voice and a second later I heard someone say;

“Anybody want anything, Craig? Sheila? Shawn?”

As silly as it sounds I actually held up a spoon hoping to catch a glimpse of him in the reflection.

I ain't gonna lie to you
And say it didn't hurt
To see you with someone new
And you were wearing my old blue shirt

Jealousy flared up in me much more quickly than I expected. I couldn’t help but wonder who those other people were. I stood up slowly so as not to draw attention to myself and with my newspaper in hand I walked over to surreptitiously throw it in the garbage. I snuck a glance at him from the corner of my eye and felt my breath catch in my throat. He still looked the same, even after so many years. Time had been good to Shawn. He was fit and healthy. For that I was glad.

But it didn't kill me

I don’t know when I made the decision to walk over or why for that matter but it seemed like I didn’t have any say so in the matter. It took him longer than I expected for him to notice me. He was so engrossed in whatever conversation he was having that he didn’t see my approach. He was mid laugh when our eyes met and at that moment I saw it, everything he’d ever felt for me...

Until we said hello

...and I saw in his eyes the only place I’ve ever truly wanted to be...

And I became someone you used to know

...and I saw for certain that I would never be in that place again.

Like a friend, like a fool
Like some guy you knew in school
Didn't we love, didn't we share
Or don't you even care

I almost kept walking, thinking somehow I could spare us all the embarrassment. But his voice stopped me, only his could.

“Hunter?” he said as if he couldn’t quite believe it.

“Hey Shawn.” To me it sounded as if I’d squeaked it out but no one seemed to notice. “It’s umm...been a long time.”

“Yeah, yeah it sure has.” he said nodding.

It was then that the guy who’d offered to get them all something, returned. He gave me a quick once over before speaking.

“Hey Shawn you going to introduce us?” he asked with a smile.

“Sure, I’m sorry guy’s that’s rude isn’t it? Sheila, David, Craig this is Hunter.”

“Nice to meet you Hunter.” they’d all said in unison.

“Likewise.”

“Would you like to sit down?” Craig asked me. “We can sure make room.”

I saw Shawn tense at that suggestion and whether I wanted to take them up on the offer or not, I knew it was out of the question.

I know we said we were through
But I never knew how quickly I would go

“No, I was just passing through. I just wanted to say hi.”

“.So how do you two know each other? We’re all on the church board with him in fact we‘re in town for our annual retreat.” Craig said.

“Oh, well Shawn and I were pretty good friends once upon a time.” I said offering a weak smile.

“We use to work together.” Shawn supplied quickly .

From someone you loved
To someone you used to know

To say I felt like I’d been hit with a sack of bricks would have been the understatement of a lifetime.

I don’t know what hurt me more.

The fact that only I could see that flickering of longing in his eyes for the guy, Craig, he was sitting next to. That longing that these people had convinced him was damn worthy and sick and wrong.

Bet you didn't tell him 'Bout those weekends at the coast

The fact that I could still see that heat in his eyes when he looked at me no matter how he tried to hide it. and the knowledge that there wasn’t anything that was ever going to burn the memory of holding me from his mind or his heart.

Or how we used to argue
‘Bout who loved who the most

Or the fact that through it all he was still wearing that damn cross, that little gold cross. The last gift I had ever given him.

Well I guess I won that one, 'cause I still need you so
But to you I'm just someone you used to know


“Yeah, that was a long, long time ago. Over the years we sort of lost touch.“ I said trying to avoid making eye contact with any of them.

“I’m sorry, Hunter.” Shawn had said.

To the others I’m sure it sounded so simple. The regretful apology of one friend who had let another get lost in the shuffle. Only he and I knew there was more. He was apologizing for everything , for how we left things when we split. For all the years and experiences we’d lost and all that we’d miss sharing together.


Like a friend, like a fool
Like some guy you knew in school
Didn't we love, didn't we share
Or don't you even care

Just as clear as day I could hear him, ‘I’m sorry baby. I’m sorry it has to be this way. I’m sorry I’m not strong enough. I’m sorry I’m not weak enough. I’m sorry I can’t hold onto you and that no matter what I do, I can’t let you go. I am so very sorry.’

Shawn had never said a word but I knew him well enough to read his face, even after all this time. He held my gaze for a second or so longer until his eyes began to tear and I said to him the only thing I could. The thing we both needed to hear.

“I forgive you, Shawn.”

I know we said we were through
But I never knew how quickly I would go
From someone you loved To someone you used to know

“Well you two should keep in touch.” Sheila said. “I can’t imagine what could have been so catastrophic as to make you split.”

“Yeah maybe we will.” I’d said with a quick nod knowing that we wouldn’t.

And that’s it. A bit anti climactic I know but that’s how it happened, moment by moment, word by word. Lord knows I should have it memorized by now considering how many times I’ve gone over it this past hour.

Before I’d walked away I said goodbye to Shawn. When I said it, I really said goodbye. I’d be surprised if our paths ever crossed again. I have to let him go, I know that. But then again I always have. Like I said my motto is Never Stop Moving and I know it’s time for me to move on. My bags are packed and it’s snowing even harder now but I think I’ll chance the roads anyway.

I’m clutching the small note that I’d scribbled over a half an hour ago in my hand. I’ll leave it at the front desk for him before I head out.

It was good to see you again, Shawn. I think it was something I needed, just to see you, one last time. I wanted you to know that you’re with me wherever I go and always will be. I don’t regret any moment I’ve ever spent with you and I hope one day when you reconcile who you are, with who you were, you can do the same. Don’t regret us, Shawn. Good luck. God bless.

-Someone you used to know

He’ll read it and he’ll smile. And he’ll know that I’ll always love him, in this life and the next. And that if there is something that waits for us when we leave this world I hope to see him there.

Maybe that will be enough, for both of us.