Letting Go

I sat there beside my cousin's wife, doing my best to be strong for everyone else. The pictures of you were everywhere. Your mom stayed up to make sure the frames were finished in time. The music was so you. The first song, "Knockin' On Heaven's Door", sounded like a knife going through my heart. The second song, "Dust In The Wind", was something that I was sure you would raze me about ("But, I thought your momma wouldn't let you listen to this kind of music..."). But the third song convinced me that I couldn't hold you here. I couldn't keep you here, because if I tried I would end up such a total wreck. I'm beginning to heal and I'm slowly showing signs of who I was before you left me here. The first line of the course said that you couldn't stay here with me and that if you did things would never be the same. I looked into the smile on your face and said, "Okay." Will anyone ever know exactly how much "Free Bird" touched my very soul? But remember that no man is dead until he is forgotten and I will never forget you. I can't. If I do, then surely everyone else will too and then, who would remember you to that beautiful little girl you gave us before you left? She's almost an exact replica of you and that's amazing.

Remember how my mom would tell me that you weren't worth anything? Remember how much I defended you (even when you were living with my cousin, which, by the way, hurt me more than words can say) to the world? I remember the night you turned your life over to the Father and said that you would live your life for Him the best you could. But then, a few months later, you moved away and I never got to see whether or not you lived the last 3 years for Him the way you said you would.

I know that someone told you about all the feelings that I done my best to hide away. I know that you knew about the dreams I held inside of someday standing by your side. But I met your wife and realized that you had somehow found someone a little bit like me and that she made you happy. That's all I ever really wanted for you was your happiness. It's just that I thought I could make you happy. I guess in the end you found happiness in your little girl and that was the most important thing.

I'll let you go so that I can heal. My grief is my own and it is almost gone. I'll hold you forever in my heart, and someday perhaps I'll be able to tell her about how wonderful her Daddy really was. Maybe she'll love fishing and motorcycles just like you. Someday she might ask me why I never told you how I felt. And my answer will be that I never found the words. Not until you were gone and someone else was receiving a widow's condolances, someone else was taking your daughter home, someone else was carrying your last name. Only in the very end was I able to tell you how much I cared and how much I adored you. You were my big brother, my best friend, and the man of my dreams all rolled into one and part of me will love you forever. You were the ultimate "bad boy", the first guy my mom ever told me NO about, and in the end, you were the hardest to let go.

FOREVER....................