Zorak 12

This was published in the e-magazine KidVisons in 2005.

“Dxur Gadn Mgrwa.” The voice droned the name of the entering Dignitary. The acoustics of the slick white Imperial Hall reverberated the name throughout, occasionally getting swallowed by the din of the attendees. Rows upon rows of bright yellow, green and orange ambassadorial frocks met my eyes everywhere I looked. I wondered how long this would last. Surely the processional ought to be just about over! It seemed that miles of dignitaries had shown up for this history-making treaty between Zorak 12 and the Interplanetary Peace Coalition, and they’d all wedged into this giant building, which suddenly felt tiny and stifling.

I glanced over at my assignment, the Earth Ambassador. If a man could fall asleep standing up, then this man had done it. He stood with his head tipped backwards a bit, and his eyes lolled back in their sockets. He swayed in a circle with the rhythm of his breathing. At least he wasn’t snoring…yet.

I had never liked this man, and had argued to the point of quitting when I learned I was to be his attaché and translator on this diplomatic journey. Now, I leaned into him, hoping that my movement would waken him, but no such luck. Instead, when he brushed against me, he shifted his circle to the right more, away from me and into his neighbor, an Ambassador from somewhere I’d never been, nor wanted to be, judging by the look of him. Giant rolling muscles capped the man’s hair-blacked shoulders, and thick pointed teeth greeted me every time I looked that way. A menacing growl came from him as he shoved his upper elbow into my Ambassador, who woke with a jerk and a snort. “What the—”

He looked over at me, confusion written on his furrowed brow. His eyes had that glassy ‘I just woke up’ shine to them, and tiny specks of drool clung to the corners of his moustache. Glancing at his still growling neighbor, my Ambassador leaned into me, and then he jerked his attention back to me, edging my way a bit.

I nodded toward the diplomatic parade. At that moment, the announced Governor of Mrwdngrwa, capital city of the northern province on Zorak 12, stopped in front of us. He stared directly at my Earth Ambassador, not speaking. I glanced at my Ambassador. His chin was tucked and his stare was locked with the Governor’
All at once I heard a violent sound come from the Governor. My Ambassador jumped, as did I, and I jerked my attention back to the Zorakian. He emitted another violent outburst, and I realized it was a sneeze. He pulled his tentacle away from his nose, and great yellow globs of slime dropped onto the floor. Rust colored mucous strung in long ropes from the tip of his tentacle as he reached toward the Earth Ambassador. The stench, something akin to rotting potatoes and septic sludge combined, rolled up in waves, assaulting our nostrils. My stomach pitched within me, and my Ambassador tucked his chin against his neck and fell a step backwards.

The Governor followed, tentacle still extended to the Ambassador. At this moment, it dawned on me that this was the bonding custom I’d read about in my research. I whispered to my Ambassador, “You’re to sneeze into your hand and share with the Zorakian Governor.”

My Ambassador jerked his head my direction, panic thick in his wide eyes. “I…I can’t. I’ll be sick. I just can’t.” He shifted his attention back to the Governor and backed another step away, brushing our neighbor’s arm and again hearing that dark growl.

I gripped my Ambassador’s elbow to keep him from moving even further away. “Sir, it’s imperative you do this. To not reciprocate is a most vile insult. It would lead to a degradation of the whole Earth-Zorakian diplomatic relationship. That relationship is already in a tentative state.”

He whispered, “I know, I know. But I just can’t.”

The Zorakian Governor began shifting from foot to foot, inflating his upper body in aggression. Other Zorakian dignitaries also began to get agitated. The cacophony of the crowd began to quiet around us. The growl from dark hairy man beside us began to increase in intensity.

What was I going to do? To do nothing would surely result in tremendous consequences, not to mention the possible destruction of the treaty between Zorak 12 and Earth. I took a deep breath, and without pausing, I let loose with a mighty snarking-sneezing sound and spit into my hand. I held it out to the Governor. “Bwrpgd hjid Earth dlrof.”

The Governor looked me up and down, and then slid his slime-encrusted tentacle into my hand. The noise of the crowd again boiled around us, as people chattered in excitement. I swallowed hard, and tried not to think of what was being rubbed onto my skin. And under no circumstances would I look at it. Removing his tentacle, the Governor turned to my Ambassador and bowed. Then the Zorakian rejoined the procession. The reek of his diplomatic bonding remained with my hand. I surreptitiously tried to rub it on to my pants, but the slime stubbornly refused to remove itself from my skin. The growl from the giant man on the other side of my Ambassador faded away, and I looked over at him to see a sharp pointed grin and nod toward my hand. I noted his hand also dripped long trails of rust and yellow onto the floor.

My Ambassador turned and looked at me, face white. “What did you tell the Governor?”

“I said, that on Earth, it is the custom for the attaché to do this in your honor.”

“I…I don’t know how to thank you—” He was cut short by another Zorakian standing in front of him. This one was announced to be from the nearby province of Hrlozkop.

As he sneezed on his tentacle, I looked down the procession of blinding greens, yellows, and oranges to see a long line of dignitaries peering around each other, waiting to bond with my Earth Ambassador. There was already a third dignitary in front of the black-haired growling man beside us. If that fierce man could submit to the nauseous indignities of having sinus slime ground into his skin, then I could also. I faked a sneeze on my still partially mucous-covered hand and began to think of expensive ways my Ambassador could thank me.