polly wants a cracker

The Opening.

2 months to the date.
Thanks to the night before the house was officially a disaster area, an absolute mess with extra ketchup and fries on the side. Someone left the toilet door open and no one had bothered to lock up the kitchen, so the living room became a host to the unholy matrimony of the stenches. It was a perfume worse than death itself.

Moran was still asleep, spread-eagled on the bedroom floor singing the night alcohol away. Danny was in the living room, next to the parrot. He had given it his unflinching attention. He watched it take a dump in its copper coated cage. He had almost gone to sleep once or twice yet something would happen that would automatically set his mind up again, like the parrot taking a dump in its copper coated cage. It would ruffle its feathers and spread its beak just a fraction wider than before, and Danny'd be off the sofa in volcanic anticipation. And the bird would do a funky shuffle and take yet another dump in the cage. Ecstatic Ejaculation Suspended until further notice

"Good Morn-Jesus! Ugh!" Moran woke up to the smell. Danny looked behind, shrugged, grunted, and then back to the bird.

She did a lap around the room, opening the windows, setting strangled oxygen free, giving off random bursts of "place looks like shit," and the like before settling next to Danny on the sofa, who at this point was looking much like Napoleon after waterloo.

"Good morning to you too, handsome," she said. He turned and crushed his lips on her cheek. he took them off and returned to his former state, an empty stare at the parrot.

"Having bird troubles again?" she teased.

He let out a groan and responded, "I've been talking to this dumb bird for ages now. I'm tired. I'm desperate. I've talked and talked and all the little shit's ever done is…"


The parrot did the funky shuffle.

"There! See look! Watch it go! Watch it go..." cried Danny with mock enthusiasm. Moran looked at him, and then at the bird, feeling a tad confused.

After approximately ten seconds of floundering about, the parrot stopped to gently raise its tail feathers high up to the air. A grey mucus-like liquid flowed out to the floor. The birth of another dump.

Danny shrunk back in the sofa. "And that," he concluded "Is all I've gotten in return. Though in retrospect its all been a bit ironic…"

"How's that?" asked Moran.

He turned to her and sighed "Isn't it obvious? That the only bird ever to give a shit when I gave this much attention would be, well, a bird?"

"Oh you disgusting…" the rest of what she said was lost in their sea of laughter and play fighting. When the dust settled she whined, "So what about me then?"

"Well you're my loving wife, and henceforth a woman, no longer categorized with any animal groups species or breeds till death do us part."

"Is that so?"

"Well if you want I could call you a wet cat".

"Oh you!..."

She pounced on him and he sheepishly shielded himself. Then they got passionate.

After they got passionate, on the floor with him on his back and her on top of him, she said "I'm off to clean the kitchen. Hungry?"

"Starving."

"Well get off your lazy butt and come give a hand. Share and care, remember?"

"I know I know, give me some credit okay? It's only been two weeks." He rose to his feet.
"Actually, you go ahead, I'll be with you in a sec."


"Okay." She placed a short kiss on his lips and headed for the kitchen. But before she reached the door she turned to ask what he would want to eat.

And there he was, back on the sofa. Next to the parrot. Whispering to it.


"Hey!" she cried, picking up a cushion and flinging it at his head. "Me? Dirty living room? A life?"

"Just give me a sec; I'm just about giving up now."

She did nothing but watch him for a while. Then she asked "What do you keep saying to it?"

"Polly wants a cracker?"

"Ha Ha, very funny."

"No seriously. That's all I've said to it all night"
"All night?"
"Yep. From the moment I got the damn thing."
Moran's smile dropped. "You mean you didn't come to…"
" come in the room? you locked the door, remeber? and i was so pissed I had vodka coming out my ears - god knows what I'd have done. And then when you opened it you were…um, how can I say it? Snoring. Yeah, you were snoring. So I came here. And you know the rest."

Danny turned back to the bird "You know, I don't know what they fed it while I wasn't there. Probably a lot of laxatives, the bastards. We should invite Huston over after we've cleaned up the place. You know, like a thank you thing?"


He turned to her for approval. She stood frozen stiff.

"Mo? You okay?" He asked.

"Err, yeah, yeah I'm fine". She replied.she turned. she left.
Danny returned to the bird. "Polly wants a cracker?"


The Dinner

Six weeks to the Date.

"And the stupid bus conductor goes "fook yoo fooking tuuuwrist! I lick yoo ass!"

And there was laughter all round the dinner table. Or not. Danny and Huston being the only two people still left on planet earth who still found swearing funny. Jane, Huston's new arm candy, swore like Michael Jackson after "Invincible" album sales figures came in, so she didn't find it funny. And Moran hadn't said a word all night.

"Moran? Earth to Moran? What's up?"

Like a woman from a trance, she awoke to find Danny prodding her with a fork.

"You know I think she still may be alive in there." Danny joked.

Jane sneered, "Maybe she's gone brain-dead from your fucking bad humor," and lit a cigarette.

"Or maybe, she's scared you might ruin our dinner by smiling." retaliated Danny.

"You know what, Danny boy you can just go-"

"Hey hey kids! Kids! You promised!" said Huston

Moran got up. "I need to go to the bathroom", and with that she was off.

The dinner table went graveyard quiet. Danny and Huston looked at Jane. Jane looked at both of them. They looked at Jane. Jane said "what?" they still looked at Jane, not saying a word. "It's his fucking wife!" she retorted, but their gaze remained. Soon enough she got the point, got up and dished out a couple of "fuck you's," before declaring she needed to go to the toilet anyway.

Danny grabbed Huston by the arm. "To the bird, Robin!" and they raced to the living room like kids on Christmas morn and startled the already sleeping bird by violently rattling the cage.

"Polly wants a cracker!" Danny cried.

"Polly wants a cracker!" Huston followed

"Polly wants a cracker!" Danny yelled again

"Polly wants a fucker!"

Laughter ensued.

"Oi, no swear words" said Danny. "But seriously, you can see what I mean. It doesn't even make a bird thingy sound. I think it's dumb. You bought me a dumb bird Huston; trust you to buy me a dumb bird!"


Huston laughed, "What? I was told it was the best!"

"Yeah, for silent movies maybe."

"No seriously. The guy I bought if from said it was state of the art."

"Does state of the art come with a receipt?"

And Huston laughed. Danny always made Huston laugh. "Least she doesn't smoke and talk crap all day", he argued. Slightly bitter.

"Ahh, I take it she's not the one then. Why am I not surprised? And you put a year into it as well."

"I know, I know. No speeches okay. I'm afraid you're gonna have to wait a bit longer to be my best man."

Danny sighed. Huston followed suit. And attention returned to the bird.

"Oh look!" exclaimed Danny "its doing the funky shuffle!" and there it was, doing those all important steps towards taking yet another dump.


Danny sighed again. "But really, thanks a lot. I really appreciate it"

He stretched his hand to take Huston's and embraced him.

"But if you want I could take it back…"

"Nuh-uh. Equal opportunities my friend. This one's a keeper"

"No problem then. I know you and birds. They give you shit and you still keep 'em…"

Danny teased the parrots beak with his finger. "speaking of shit, Moran's been acting funny lately."
"really? since when?"
"the day after we came back from our honeymoon, our party."
Danny kept on poking the parrot. "Huston?" he turned around, rubbing on the sharp end of the parrot's beak he saw huston, standing. Huston's face was bloodless, grey ash.

"Huston? you o-- OW! FUCK!"

He snatched his finger back. he held it, tight in his other hand, but the blood wouldn't stop.

"did she say anything?"

Danny looked at Huston, "what? don't stand there like a pillock get me something dammit!"

Huston scrambled about for a handkerchief and handed it to Danny. "Did she say anything?"

"NO!, no she hasn't FUCK! ow!"

Moran had suddenly appeared in the living room, looking frail and pale as a corpse. Her eyes were stuck on Danny, who immediately turned to Jane, who went straight for a seat and lit another cigarette. After dragging as much as her lungs could muster, she announced:

"Congratulations, she's pregnant. You've definitely fucked her up now."

Danny looked to Moran for an answer, but she remained still. "Moran?" Danny called out, but she kept her gaze on him without as much as a glint in her eye. A single tear ran down, and without warning she fainted on the floor.


The Phone-call
2 weeks to the date.

"And I've finally brought the kitchen back from the dead! All under five hours and twenty one minutes!" exclaimed an I'm-pleased-with-myself-so-you-should-be- Moran.


Danny had caught on to her tone and played along, "well done number one! I do believe a recommendation is definitely in order today. Say, how about me and you discuss a suitable reward for you considerable efforts over dinner, perhaps?"

Moran burst into an uncontrollable blue faced giggle "Ooh, captain! Are you flirting with me?"

"Nonsense!" said Danny "You're my wife and taking you out is my greatest privilege and I intend to enjoy as long as I live. 'Tis the law I'm afraid, and I must obey the law. Pick you at seven?"

"Okay privileged one!" joked Moran. "Ooh! Before I forget. Just to let you know, we are going to have a serious talk about Polly."

"Who's Polly?"

"What?"

"I said who's Polly?"

"The parrot!"

"Oh. I see. Why are you calling it Polly? That's a girl's name, and it's a male parrot."

"What? Jesus! You're the one who keeps on- whatever. Forget it, forget it. Oooh we're gonna have a talk now smart boy…" She walked up to the cage and tapped it twice."… cause its really beginning to stink up the-"

Interruption. Doorbell ring.

"Oh dear" sighed Moran. "Saved by the bell you lucky oaf. I'll see you at seven. Love you."

"You say it but you still wanna kill my bird."

"Shut up and get back to work."

Moran dropped the phone and went to answer the door.


After the Funeral

The date.

He could only think of it as a disaster, and that made him cry.

Driving through the countryside without so much as a brain cell devoted to safety, he left his life behind. It was a long drive to the next town but he had no intention of going there. In fact, if he were to be stopped and asked where, on this slippery lightning and dark night he was heading to at such a roadrunner velocity, he would have told such and such to put something up somewhere. He wasn't going anywhere.

He was seeing how far he'd get before he sees Moran again.

He could only conclude it was a disaster, and that made him think.

It was almost as though they all came to laugh at his loss. God, so many ex boyfriends. They all had that little conference of theirs next to the beer stand goggling in quieter tones. They had a consensus look when he came past, a look that said, without remorse:

You didn't deserve her you loser. And this proves it.

Thank god for Huston, he thought. If it werent for him he wouldn't have survived that long. He was always there to keep the wolves back, his best friend Huston. He wished there were words to thank him with.

but Danny could think of none.


Swerve left, and squish. Road sacrifice to the temple of Moran stood on a high count of tewnty two rodents.

Her "friends" had given him little leeway either. In all his 28 years he could not remember a time he had been any more patronized in his life.

"Oh you'll get over it."

"It must hurt, doesn't it?"

"Hey cheer up chum. At least you're back on the circuit. There's always plenty more fish in the sea."

"What the- how could you!? I don't believe you said that you asshole! He's mourning for crying out loud!"

"Hey, fuck-" and so on and so fight fight.


And then there was her parents who he never got along with. Who he had tried so hard to please, so so hard. And he failed. Like Madonna at acting. They had stood on the balcony throughout the occasion, and locked the door. They didn't want to see anyone. They didn't want to see him. Look down on him, yes, as they always have. But see him eye to eye?

No.

To them he was the guy who stole their prize cow. And now he had sold it to the devil, beyond their reach. And he burned the receipt.


He let her die.


He let her die.

And there were also the cops, who were more than happy to call him to a corner for questioning, again. He had this funny feeling somewhere deep in that they really thought he did it. That he made his way into his house, beat up his own wife, broke her leg and burnt her fingers and…

And…

But the top of the pie had to be Lori. Everyone had managed to ruin Moran's last day on earth in their own little way, but she was most definitely the iceberg that sunk the titanic. It made him so boiling hot mad even thinking of what she did. Of all days. Of all wrong timings of wrong timings. That she thought of trying it, on her own sister's funeral. Those people have no shame! No shame!

He can still taste her lipstick at the back of his throat.

Slut.

He cried.

"Polly wants a cracker."

So that was how he ended up here, driving insane on an empty endless stretch of concrete and tar. He had no time to pack, and he wasn't going back. He clambered into his car and off he went.

"Polly hasn't eaten all day. Polly wants one cracker."

Actually, that is a bit of a lie. He did take something along.

"Could you please give Polly a fucking cracker? Now?"

There was a cage beside him.


"Hello!? You! Fuckwit! Crybaby! Cracker. NOW!"

"WHAT THE- OH SH…"

"Fuck you."


The vehicle tornado'd twice before singing to a halt.

Danny switched on his torchlight, and pointed it to the parrot. It sat in its cage as silent as the darkness outside the car.

And Danny relaxed into his seat.

Without warning it flew off its perch flapped a mad racket around till the cage fell to its side screaming "I SAID I WANT A FUCKING CRACKER!"

"OH GOD! YOU'RE TALKING! YOU'RE- YOU'RE- OH GOD! OH!"

"Well of course I'm talking; I'm a parrot you fucking ape. Now get me out of this cage."

"But- but, oh god, ive lost it, haven't I? I'm going nuts!" Danny cried in manic laughter

"Fine. Go nuts then. I won't tell you who killed your bitch."

The silence that came after that was so loud it made screams out of pin-drops.

"wh-what did you say?"

And it almost seemed as though the parrot smiled.

"Ahh, so I have your attention, do I?"

"Wait, I.. I don't understand what you-"

"What's there not to understand?" said the parrot walking in the fallen cage like a hamster in a wheel, slowly moved towards him. "Your wife got Christmas in her pooper, then had a chair brought down on her head. You're here weeping and asking why. And I know who did it. Let me out."

Danny hesitated. He did not know what to make of it. he couldn't make even a foggy outline of it, much less a clear picture. What it really a bird talking? The same bird that said nothing, not a word, for months? This same bird was going to make sense of his trouble? Or was it just his mind searching for an easy way out?

He slowly put his finger to the cage before. The bird moved so fast it's beak went right through the cage bars.

"what are you?"

"Danny you're asking the wrong questions boy. Let me out. Don't you think I've stayed in here long enough?"

Danny set the bird free.

"Ah yes, freedom. Mel Gibson has nothing on me."

"wh-what?"

"Oh never mind. Bird joke. Glove compartment."

"What?"

"Open the fucking glove compartment."

What's in-"

"You'll never get good apples if you don't climb the tree."

"what's that supposed to mean?!"

"OPEN IT!"

And the sweat made a river in Danny's pants as his mind went wild. Etching forward, his hand rumbling in fright. A finger? He remembered she had a finger torn off. Oh god, he couldn't handle a finger. Oh god…

He opened it.

And a waterfall of crackers poured onto his trembling lap.

"but…what…I… what… how…did…" loss for words.

The parrot appeared out of nowhere to his left shoulder. BOOM! He jumped out his chair and right back.

"Eat one." it said.

"What? Why?"

"Listen you irritating little sprinkler fuck; I have listened to you and your bitch say nothing but "Polly wants a cracker!, polly wants a Cracker!" for two fucking months. Two. Fucking. Months. You have no idea how much fucking mental abuse you've put me through. Personally I think watching you splat yourself all over this road would be a fucking good watch. Fuck that, I should kill you myself. But I'm not going to. Because I'm a fucking nice bird. But if you want my help. You will eat and swallow one of those fucking pieces of shit while I watch. Isn't that fair?"

Danny looked at bird. Then at the crackers. Then at the parrot again. His face screwed into a suspicious look.

"He made her suck his cock."

Danny swallowed one whole.

The parrot squawked for a plentiful long time. It danced around in delight, basking in the sounds of Danny choking on the cracker. And when he was done it flew to the open window.

"w- *cough* wait!"

"Oh yeah," said the bird, looking back at him. "You still want to know don't you?!"

"Yes I do want to know damn you! Who did it?"

"Oh I don't know that."

"What? *cough cough* you said-"

"Yeah I know what he looks like. And I know what he said. Mostly grunts and groans and stuff, you know how it goes."

"WHAT *COUGH* GOOD IS THAT?*"


"Come to think of it, I cant remember exactly what he looks like. I've got a bird brain, I know. So sue me."

"YOU BASTARD! YOU *COUGH COUGH COUgH*…"

"Oh stop pretending you know you loved it. Fucker. Ah! That's what he said! Polly wants a fucker!"

And Danny's eyes went white wide while his body grew still.

"What did you say?"

"Oh, she fought him well, mind you. You would have been proud. She cursed and she swore and she promised he'd pay for what he'd done. Before. That's right, you remember; locked door? Vodka pissing out your ears…"

Danny stifled his shock.

"On your own bed. Two months ago. She must have been carrying his child. Fancy that; guess he came back for more eh?"

"no... no! NO IT'S NOT TRUE!

"Polly wants a fucking cracker. Fucking dumb ass."

The parrot winged into the night, leaving Danny screaming denial at an empty car window.