Past, present and future

PAST, PRESENT, FUTURE

As the train hurries along its fixed path, I long for as much. A fixed path, laid out carefully and methodically before me. No uncertainty or deviations allowed. Straight ahead to my destination, my future, a certain destination, a certain future.

I glance out the window of the boxcar, the blur of people, places and things left behind rushes past my vision.

My first kiss- not the first little girl and boy on the playground kiss, but the first woman and man on the verge of sin kiss.

I remember his lips, soft and eager against mine. Then his tongue, wet and disciplined, slipped past my lips, testing the waters before plunging in. Our tongues became entwined as I writhed and squirmed, aching to dive deeper into his embrace and to release the emergency brake digging into my stomach.

I manage a slight grin, an inner giggle. But this vision passes quickly, too quickly, as a new one whizzes by, not quickly enough.

The end of my marriage.

I stood in the doorway of the sleazy hotel- a half lit neon sign buzzed above my head- I clinched the pass key that I bribed from the clerk only moments before so tightly in my fingers the flesh gave way. The depths of his deceit and decadence demonstrated before my disbelieving eyes and disembodied heart.

I manage to hold back the tears, the vomit. I close my eyes. As soon as I open them, the vision is gone, replaced with yet another.

Mt first job- not the first uniformed, set your own schedule, working permit job, but the first dress code, salaried, high-rise office job.

I sat in my leather executive chair, belched out orders to my flunkies, and sipped coffee, which was perfectly sweetened and lightened by my own personal assistant. On top of the world. Bringing down six figures and paying out seven for the house in the country, the condo in the city, the Jag in the garage, the designer suits in the closet, and the jewels in the safe.

I manage to suppress the greedy desire welling within me to have that again, as the next phase of my life rips past.

The end of my career.

I walked into the conference room- I expected to be promoted for the big deal I just closed- but instead the board had somehow found me out. The depths of my deceit and decadence demonstrated before my disbelieving eyes and disembodied heart.

As it grinds through the peaks and valleys the shear force of the trains mighty steam engine strips away the memories of old. Finally, devoid of all the past, I exit the train.

The conductor, overdressed for the season, holds out his hand. I take it graciously and descend the steps one at a time. The steam bellows and rises around me as the heat intensifies. I blink my eyes in rapid succession, attempting to bat away the steam.

A final vision flashes before me.

The depths of all deceit and decadence demonstrated before my disbelieving eyes and disembodied heart.

I manage to maintain composure as I am faced with my now, certain future- the end of my life and the beginning of my hereafter.