News You Can Count On

News You Can Count On

In which I lament the state of local news broadcasts.

THIS IS MY MAJOR EXPOSE of the travesty and downright moral bankruptcy of our local newscasts. Having done exhaustive research on this troubling and evil social malady, you will find that I tend to go on and on . . .

But I have watched various newscasts now for many decades, and have come to the conclusion that:

NEWSCASTS ARE NO LONGER A PUBLIC SERVICE AND PROBABLY THE PRECURSOR OF THE COMING OF Armageddon, the Antichrist, some five-headed beast and possibly another Adam Sandler movie.

I know this is a shocking development.
Here are the relevant and pertinent facts I have uncovered:

A. The weather is always wrong or late.
B. Newscasts are not designed to inform you, but rather to titillate you.
C. Much the same as "Hard Copy."
D. There is nothing that your local newscast can tell you that can make a momentary difference in your life.
E. Especially in the event of an earthquake, etc.

I know you think I am cynical. But here is the rock bottom, horrible truth, this investigative reporter has uncovered.

THE HORRIBLE TRUTH
Last Ash Wednesday, we here, in the Puget Sound area, experienced a major earthquake. Shortly after the shaking, quivering, and all-around rattling and crashing subsided, (my friend Greg Henderson’s singing fish fell off his wall), the television news reported this event.

NEWSCASTER:We interrupt this boring talk show to bring you wind-breaking news: We have just had an earthquake.

Okay.

For weeks the newscasts showed titillating photos; piles of brick and cement, a crack here, a crack there, and mud sliding willy-nilly.

NEWSCASTER: Here again, is the 173rd time we will show you these bricks that have fallen down the stairs at the King County Courthouse, and to fill the time until commercial break, here is a picture of the bats flying around Governor Locke’s mansion in Olympia last spring.

They showed these same pictures OVER AND OVER, especially pictures of the cracked wall and stairwell at the courthouse, which was far more devastating and of concern to you people, than say, the 10-mile sinkhole threatening to swallow the city of Kent.

Actually, some of us were hoping Kent would fall.

And then someone has the nerve to get in front of a camera and tell me there is rain coming.

NEWSCASTER: Rain is going to be falling from the sky soon. In fact, some may be falling somewhere in Washington RIGHT NOW! And if you are a complete moron (like we know you are because you haven’t got the brains to switch the channel), then, we are going to show you exactly WHERE the rain is falling right now, using our Fancy Moisture Technoprobe. Let’s go to our meteorologist Melvin Schmeidl. Melvin?

MELVIN: Hi, this is Melvin Schmeidl, your Eye of the Needle, chuckle, and we are going to show you that in some counties, (many, many miles from where you live and where you wouldn’t be caught dead driving, even if you had a car), that the rain now falling is the color of yellow with outlying patches of green.

"Yellow means that it’s falling harder than in the areas where we are showing green on our Life-Sustaining Radar Screen. I shudder to think of it. Yellow means you can probably hear the rain hitting your roof. Green means you only hear your gutters dripping. You NEED this information. Particularly, you people in White Center who are sticking your head out your front door now and asking 'why is my hair getting wet?'

MELVIN: (continues) County by county, we will show you how much rain is falling --
or not falling.
Because our weather changes,
sometimes drastically,
here in the Northwest, county by
county, moment to moment.

"For instance, in King County right now, showers are happening. It’s currently 38 degrees.
In Pierce County, there are showers mixed with light rain. The temperature there is 39 degrees.
In Thurston County, you will note, the sky is heavily overcast, threatening rain showers and the winds are up to .002 knots per mile. And in a drastic change - it’s 40 degrees. Better batten down the hatches folks! Chuckle, chuckle.
Here, up in Omak, where I am pointing to with this here stick, because none of you people go there anyway, there is no shower activity. It’s currently there 37 degrees.
In the mountains, the passes are slick with rain that has fallen and it is somehow colder at 32 degrees. And there are showers continuing to fall. Lightly.
Falling lightly . . . but it could get worse.
Which is why you should NEVER, EVER switch this channel to something better, like the current fundraiser on PBS, just in case you miss the dire warnings we -- and we alone can give you, that perhaps the mountain pass conditions may escalate:
ESCALATE to –
snow mixed with RAIN.
* * *

I don’t know about you, but when I ponder the phrase, "because our weather can change drastically from county to county," I had something more like the following in mind:

DRASTIC WEATHER CHANGES ACCORDING TO KARLA
A. In King County, winds are up to 180 miles per knot. There is a boat on top of Frank's house.
B. In Pierce County, just as you drive through Fife, (and by the way, watch out for the state patrol speed trap which is in place even now), there is a hurricane that is happening there right this moment!

C. In Ellensburg, a tidal wave is threatening to wipe out parts of Central Washington Community College.

D. The earthquake that just hit the Muckleshoot Casino in Auburn has shut down the slot machines.

E. In Grays County the heat wave continues to hamper local efforts there to set up legal dog-racing tracks.

F. As you leave Thurston County and head into the Centralia/Chehalis area, be on the watch for fierce tornadoes sweeping though that area. Currently the barometer is drooping.

G. A volcano has just erupted under the Royal Bear Tavern in Algona and folks there are celebrating. Watch out for speed traps.

Now this, folks, is what I consider drastic weather changes.

What is wrong with these news people? What is wrong with us? Is life that boring and without challenge, that when the temperature drops, say into the mid-40’s and there are rain clouds brewing on the horizon, it is necessary to bill this event as
C o u n t d o w n to R a i n f a l l?
Why do we need to watch the weather? Pretty soon we will see signs proliferating in every neighborhood: Suspicious weather activity is immediately reported, in compliance with the "StormWatch 2003!" mandate.
Okay, this is entirely ridiculous, but harmless, you say. And you are right.

But here is the news reporting that really gets my goat. It actually makes me angry and I think it’s mean and without any sort of class:

THIS REALLY GETS MY GOAT
You’re watching the 6 pm news. You just got home from work. You have two hours in which to eat dinner, get your clothes ready for tomorrow, feed and get the kids down for bed. You have to be in bed by 8 pm because your day will start again, at 5 am. I repeat: you need to be in bed by 8 pm.

Jean, Margaret or Cathy appears on camera and says, "What harmful virus is KILLING YOUR CHILD NOW, even as I speak, and what can you do to SAVE YOUR CHILD'S LIFE NOW, using a simple product you can find in your kitchen even as I speak?
“Find out at 11 pm."

Sleazy sell-outs. Oh yes, this is NEWS you can USE. Public service indeed.

Frankly, I think this is extremely irresponsible news-casting. These people shouldn’t be yanking our chains. No wonder we’re all on the edge of losing it.

I say, if a newscast isn’t good enough to gain viewers at 11 pm without withholding this sort of information, it should be thrown off the air and replaced with that Indian head picture I use to see back when black and white TV was all we had.

Frankly, when I was in Mexico I never saw the news. I found that I was still breathing when I returned to the states. (Is she finished yet? you are thinking.)

Oh no, I'm not finished yet.

For some time the news was filled, FILLED with the titillating account of some woman blowing the president. Okay, folks this is REALLY IMPORTANT. This was news I was "counting on."

NEWSCASTER: We interrupt this important Budweiser commercial to bring you this special news from the capital. We go now to our news desk in Washington DC, with correspondent Armand Hammer.

ARMAND HAMMER: Get under your desks and doorjambs now people! Stock up on water and canned goods. Some woman is playing with the leader of our free world.

Okay, I guess I’m getting a little wild and emotional here. I guess this was really NEWS. Important? I’m not sure, but NEWS? Yes. Well, (heavy sigh) my idea of news is this:

1. The Oklahoma City bombing.
2. September 11
3. I’m thinking, I’m thinking.
4. Power blackouts. Although if your power is out, you can’t really turn on your TV to find out why.

Thank you all for allowing this concerned citizen to keep you informed. I'm just doing my job. Hmmm, I think I’ll look out the window . . .

ME: Honey, I think it’s raining.
JOHN: Geez, you’re brilliant. Why don’t you get a job at KIRO?