the prom

The rains had not yet begun but the sky was weak from the gray clouds. A feeling of tinged excitement in the air lingered as I sat on my bed in my damp, dark room. Clutched in my hands was my rented tuxedo. Looking at my face in the mirror I questioned my actions for this event. “I swear you have done some stupid things in your life, but a FUCKING PROM! What are you fucking out of your mind.” the reflection in the mirror seemed to say to me. I just sighed, and put my hands up to my temples. Preparing for the tragedy that I know that awaits me at my destination. I know what awaits there. I know how I’m going to feel before I get there. Most of all I already know the hurt that awaits me there, but I guess it’s worth the pain.
Yes. My lovely lady I am going to go meet you there. I am going to meet you at your dammed prom. I’m going to meet you there then I’m going to meet your new lover boy that sits right besides you and stares at me with malicious intent. Oh, wont this be a lovely display of teenage tragedy.
I just sigh and think as I drive my way to the prom. I got to push these thoughts out of my head I thought. There no good in just sitting here with a mind full of angst and sorrow contemplating all the bad things that are going to happen. Seriously, I thought; there is a good chance that I might actually have some fun. I might actually meet someone there that’s…..better than my lovely lady. I toyed around with this thought for awhile. Smiling at my own slyness and charm that I would display at the women there. Oh, I thought I don’t need you my lady. No, no, no I do not need you. For I will have a hundred ladies all by my side. Begging me to take them home afterwards for a passionate night of love making. I used this thought to push out the worries and anxieties that seemed to be clouding my mind.
The clouds began to finally make some movement and started to rain on my car. The grounds became black with water and the air smelled like a storm was rising. I just drove and listened to the other cars around me. Looking at the drivers wondering where they were going in there lives. Wondering about who they were romantically involved in, and if that person really gave a damn about them. I sighed again. I can’t keep thinking like this. I looked in the back of my car. And in the back of the car there was a nice clear bottle of vodka staring back at me. I shuddered in ecstasy in horror all at once. I hated how I was when I was drunk, but god did I love that feeling. I felt ashamed of myself and at the same time like I was some lone martyr standing up for my freedoms. I just drove on.

I finally arrived at the center where the prom was being held at. As I got out I spied some of my contemporaries getting out of their cars with their dates. With nervous smiles and excited jokes they led their dates in to the center. Some of them waved at me and winked at me like there was some unspoken secret between us guys. I guess the secret was why the guys were really here. There’s no secret to why their there, but me….I’m different. I know why I’m here. Oh, yes I know why I’m here. I want to see my lady with another man. I want to see if its true. If she really would be cruel enough to parade around with someone else why casually inviting me to join her and watch her…watch her. Yeah, I don’t know why I’m putting myself through this. I guess its to see if she’ll notice the pain on my face. Maybe she will learn why I love her so dear if she sees this. Or at least leave me and my misery alone and not invite me to any more of these fucking proms of hers.
I put the leave the vodka in the car and make my way into the center. The place has that antique feeling where you don’t want to touch any of the walls because your afraid of getting them dirty. The carpet, walls and ceiling all have the same yellow tinted glow to them. It gives you the feeling that your in a classy place with classy people and if your lucky enough not to screw this moment up in life, you might just get to be invited to more of these events. God, I the thought of this place and the fake intentions here just make me sick to my stomach. But its to late to turn back, my friends have already spotted me and came around to me. Telling me jokes, poking me in the ribs. Hyping me up for the “big night ahead”
We made our way into the dance room and just looked around. Its still pretty early and not a lot of people are here yet. The PA plays some shitty number 1 hit single that’s popular today. I just take a seat with my friends and burry my face in my hands. As I raise my head up my friends look at me with serious faces and ask me If I’m alright. I fake a smile and say of course I’m alright, I’m at prom with my closest friends. What couldn’t be alright. I quickly tell them some obscene joke and then they seem to believe I’m alright. God, I can see what their thinking. They know I’m not good at social events like this. Their just waiting for me to spaz out on them. Hmm, I don’t I’m going to disappoint them or not.
After an hour the prom is at full swing. The lights are dimmed and lover are dancing. And I’m sitting all alone looking for my lady. And at the same time I’m trying to avoid seeing her, I’m more or less just wanting to know where she is at. And then….through the corner of my eyes I catch a flash of her. My whole body just shakes as I catch the first glimpse of her. She has a green, silvery dress on. That stops just a little below her knobby knees. A bow is coming through the cleavage of her dress and the two other bows are below each of her breast. My breath deepens. Her hair is long and flowing, the blond beautiful hair that seems as long as a river just sways with the movement of her body. My body is tightening up and my knees are feeling weak. I can feel the lump in my throat, causing me to gulp really hard. And then….she sees me and smiles. She waves for me to come over with her. NO, NO, NO, NO, I scream inside my head. I know what’s going to happen, but its to late. My legs have picked my up and carried me over there.
As I make my way of to her she comes running to me and embraces me, burying her face in my chest. “oh, I missed you so much” she cries. “I..I..I missed you too.” I stutter. We just stand there locked in a warm embrace. I feel at ease, but I know this feeling isn’t going to last long. This is the reason I came here now I’m about to be confronted with the reason why I was afraid of coming here. “come sit down with me and talk.” I try to say no thanks but she’s already pulling my hand to her table.
And there sits….the thing I dread. My best friend sitting down waiting for his lover. Oh, god its worse than I imagine. He’s just sitting there with a smile on his face as we approach him. He waves at me and greets me with a great amount of zeal. Oh, god I thought, no, no, no. Please I want to be out of here I was thinking. But I just tough it out with a shit eating grin on my face. We sit down right next to each other and I see him and her exchange a glance at each other. Both with a mysterious smile on their face. Oh, I know what that smile means. Underneath the table they are holding hands and their feet are wrapped around each others. I just feel the inside of my chest cave in with the sorrow. But I still sit and smile. And then the worse things comes. They fucking kiss. How could they? Right in front of me. Don’t they know how I feel? Are they that completely fucking insensitive, but they still kiss. A deep hard kiss that has that terrible smacking sound at the end of it. At the end of the kiss they just share a secret smile with each other. Oh, I know what that smile means. Their going to go over to her house and fuck like animals. Yes, they are. Going to go right on to her house and they are going to spend all hours of the night fucking each other.
I couldn’t take it any longer. I have to get up and get out of here. I just get up as fast as I can and bolt to the door. They both have a look of surprise on their face. Wondering what it is that made me do that. Oh, how I hate them. I can’t believe they don’t know what made me do that. How fucking stupid could they possibly be.
But now I am running to the door. People try stopping me and asking me what’s wrong. But with tears in my eyes I just push them out of the way and go to my car. I get to parking lot and look back on the center. And my tears are now coming out full blast. I turn away and run to my car. Where I sit for some minutes with my face in my hands soaking up my tears. I then reach back to the seat and pull out the bottle. Oh, yes I thought. I knew I was going to get into this before the night was over. I take the shots straight from the bottle and immediately feel that burning sensations in my chest. Followed by that awful stinging aroma of the drink. I sit there drinking when all of a sudden I look up. And there’s my lady coming out to see me. She has a look of concern on her face. And as I get closer I can see she has tears. I think about driving away but that would be stupid. I just open the door of the car and let her in.
She just stares at me for sometime with her teary eyes. She opens her mouth then quickly shuts it. She then just stares at the ground, trying to avoid eye contact with me. I just sit back trying to control my breathing and my tears. She finally looks at me “What’s a matter with you. Please tell me. I want to know why you ran out like that?” She pleads. She already knows what’s a matter with me but she wants me to…….well, god I don’t even know what she wants me to do. I look back at her and force a broken smile of tears and reply “ Oh, I don’t know. Its really nothing. I’m just a depressing bastard ya know. I just don’t like being in that environment.” She knows I’m avoiding her. But she decides to press it. She looks me firmly in the eyes and says “I thought you were over me. I…I. didn’t mean to hurt you.” I just look at her. Then my tears start coming back again. “why, why did you leave me, for him. I thought you said it wasn’t anything serious between you and him. You said he was just a rebound guy, you said he could never take my place.” I sob to her. She just looks back at me and I see she’s crying too. “ I’m….I…I didn’t ever mean to hurt you she said. But I think of you more as a brother,….not a lover.” she says. That was the bomb in the conversation. That was the fucking atom bomb. I knew she was going to say that before the night was over, just like I knew we were going to have this conversation before the night was over. I just look at her. I know I should just yell at her, cuss her out for all the mental anguish she causes me and continues to cause me. But instead I just sit there and say “Its alright. Pleas don’t cry. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t of acted that way. I’ll talk to you later. Just….let me be right now.” I shouldn’t of apologized. But I did. Just so I could get through this conversation. She just looks back at me with a face full of concern and tears. And then she gets out of my car and goes back to the center. Looking back at me. Checking if I’m alright. I’m fucking alright I think. I’m just fucking fine and dandy. Oh, what’s the use. I’m just going to go home. I put the keys in the ignition and drive off to my house.
My tears are gone by the time I get home. All that’s left there now is a hollow feeling in my chest. Like I should be spending the night going crazy with friends but instead I’m at my house. Taking off my tux I look in the mirror in my room and see how long and sullen my face is. God, I think. I must of looked like a fucking nervous wreck. Ah, hell, I am a nervous wreck I think as I crawl into bed. Looking up at the ceiling I realize I’m not going to go to sleep anytime soon. Oh, no, sleep would be to easy for me. Instead I’m going to stay up and torture myself with thoughts of you. Yes, that’s what’s I’m going to do. I tell myself as I turn off the lights and cry myself to sleep tonight.