The Cartoons' Court of Justice

The Cartoons' Court of Justice

"I will not have you speaking like this to me!" shouted Zaphod Beeblebrox's left head.

I was standing trial for robbing a piece of Kryptonite from Robin, the super hero from Gotham. The accusation was patently absurd, as I see it, for what would the Phantom, The Ghost Who Walks and Mr. Walker do with a green, obviously garish looking piece of the "earth" ... er ... Krypton?

Of course, to those of you not familiar with my various aliases, let me point out that all the above three sobriquets apply to me! I have some unofficial names too, like the "Man who sulks", "The Ghost in Tandem with a Wolf" and "The One whose sneeze spreads cold all over the world". The last one is, actually, a loose translation of the word "Snickelgoober"; the name was given to me by the mad Future Prefect whom I met in a humble restaurant called the "Oval Pitch" located in a small planet in a corner of the Milky Coffee Galaxy.

Anyway, let me tell you how I came to be in possession of the silly green stone which is known to render a fellow super-human being called Superman look like Jell-O and potato-mash combined when he looks at or touches it!

I was aware that Batman and the Silver Fairy had got married secretly in Gotham city last month; as a wedding gift, they received several very precious items, including an exquisitely wrapped red box with a blue ribbon sent by the Joker! Naturally, they were wary of anything sent with a painted smile on its exterior (The Joker's Trademark), and they asked their best friend, student and idoliser Robin to o-pen it for them. The Silver fairy was naive, and believed that in the World of Cartoons and Fantasy characters, "people" were either good or bad, that is, white as the driven snow or black as a raven, and so she insisted that the gift be carried as far away from Gotham city as possible and then opened!

Accordingly, Robin flew to Planet Earth, where I "Walked" for the last 400 years! (Actually, I am only 35, and a poorly endowed descendant of the 1st Phantom - the original super-fighter who began the trend of wearing underwear over the pants ... but I am digressing here.)

I was, at the moment Robin landed on my skull cave, listening to drums that were panically being struck repeatedly by all the jungle folk (The drums strike wildest when Phantom is about to face a "New" enemy - Old Jungle Saying).

The drums warned of a "flying man" about to descend in the Jungles around us.

I looked sharply around, and spotted Guran-Guran shivering in his skirt of long leaves; Devil ( who is a wolf, but I always introduce him as a dog ... only Lee Falk knows why!) growled nervously under a tree; my wife Diana was sunning herself atop a plantain leaf above the roof of the Skull cave in a bikini she had purchased just last week in Bangala; my kids Kit and Heloise were playing a new game called Crenis - the object of the game is to hit 4's and 6's with a tennis racket! (what a tangled web we weave ... I know Lee Falk must be turning in his grave!)

Suddenly, Robin crashed on top of Diana, who screamed a scream to shame all the millions of screams uttered so far by the entire race of humans. She fell down into the bush, while Robin dusted himself, turned his cape to one side and got up waving his hand cheerfully in my direction.

Imagine someone so frail as this character invading the Privacy of the King of the Jungle and assaulting his beloved like this, openly. I was angry and wanted to rip him apart, but some semblance of my sense of humour made me chortle and laugh loudly at the tableau before me:

Robin, all agog with a gleaming box in his left hand; Diana, looking furious and embarrassed at the same time; Guran-Guran, looking sheepishly at the rise and fall of his mistress's ... ahem ... chest; Devil, jumping up and down at this unexpected intrusion in the Jungle; and finally, Kit and Heloise dancing here and there!

I went forward with a straight face, and trying to look as stern as possible, I shouted, "What do you mean by coming here and causing this pathetic scene? Who are you?"

"I am Robin, and I am sorry to have landed like this," began the caped intruder who was a man and not yet a man.

He sipped from a small bottle that he took out from inside his cape, and then continued, "I am from Gotham city, and I was looking for a quiet, secluded spot to open this ... er ... gift."

"Gift!" I exclaimed. "What can possibly cause you to choose a jungle to open a mere gift?"

"Er ... the gift is from an avowed enemy, who is known to send dangerous items to my mentor and idol, Batman. But wait ... why are you dressed so funnily?"

"Funnily?" I was taken aback by his innocence.

I looked at my violet pants, my violet underwear and my violet hood: now can such a dress be termed "funny"? You tell me, dear reader ... Oh thanks for agreeing that my dress is sober! Coming back to the tale, he nodded as if to re-inforce his opinion of my attire.

I was feeling so angry by now that I let a wild punch of my closed fist land on his cheek. He recoiled for a minute second, but then his aggression came through and he gave back as good as he got. I reeled with the pain, and righting myself, I jumped up on his torso to overwhelm him. He was nimble-footed and sure of what he was doing, and he ducked and stepped aside in the nick of time. I landed foolishly on the jungle floor.

It was his turn to laugh, and all my people, and even my dog, joined him. Robin came up to me and put out his hand with the intention to make friends with me.

I accepted his hand. He took me to a clearing in the jungle, and there, he finally opened the box. Nothing happened initially; then the box rattled and a shining green stone fell out of it and rolled into the grass.

He picked it up and turned it this way and that: he was actually smiling knowing that the stone could not hurt him in any way; it was then that he was proved wrong! One minute he was holding the stone, the next, he had collapsed in a heap upon the grass! I went up to him, and was horrified to see that he was looking ashen grey and perhaps dying! He thrust the stone into my hand, but I, rather afraid of what else the stone might do, asked him what the stone was for, and refused to take it into my hands. He told me that the stone was "Kryptonite". He told me everything about the stone, its powers on a certain super-hero called Superman, etc. He asked me to take the stone, and gave me directions to destroy it immediately.

Which I didn't.

Now here I was, before the Cartoons'Court, and in the chair was the esteemed "Ruler of the worlds", Zaphod Beeblebrox!

I respectfully denied the charge and listened to his two heads declaim the untruth in my statement: "If you are innocent, as you say, pray tell us how this Robin died after he had spoken to me."

I had no reply.

"Please stand while I announce the punishment."

I stood, a Super-hero, all tamed and leashed ... and heard him say this: "Since the defendant has caused much hardship, but has not actually killed Robin directly, I sentence him to a life of wearing only white and black dresses, and to wear his underwears insidehis dresses."

Since that day, I have turned a new leaf and travel daily to work not as the Ghost who Walks but as a simple human with a white shirt,black pair of trousers, and a green tie-pin put on my red tie.

May the Lord have mercy on you for reading my story from the start to the finish.

(End)