A Heart's Goodbye

So, what do you say at a time like this? For that matter, what do you think? How do you just move on from a major period in your life, especially when you don’t want to? I don’t want it all to become just a fond memory. I want it to go on. Fourteen months is such a short time. Just as quickly as our friendship formed, it’s over. Well, not over, but close enough. Oh sure there will be e-mails, the occasional call; but how does that compare with what we’ve had these past months. Late night talks that lasted for hours as we sat by the lake, pouring out dreams, thoughts, feelings. Sometimes he could tell me what I thought before I could even figure out how to say it. We always understood each other perfectly. It was almost like something that could only happen in a fairy tale. There weren’t any romantic feelings to confuse things, just a perfect friendship. He was there for me when I needed him so much. I couldn’t believe I had been deserted by my one good friend of the past 5 years. I didn’t know how I could make it alone. And then he came along and slowly broke through walls I had built up to keep from getting hurt again. Not even I realized that’s what was happening. I had no idea they were there, but somehow he did. And for some strange reason I’ll never understand, before we were truly friends he decided he would break through those walls to be my friend, to be there for me.

A thousand times I’ve wondered why me. Why did he pick me? Whatever the reason I’m so thankful that he did. He was God’s gift to me, my answer to a hundred different prayers. I remember times when I was hurting so badly, and I wondered where was God in all this. But one day it occurred to me where God was. Those times when he sat down with me and coerced me to talk when I needed to so much, when he was so caring, and listened so intently – all those times he was being Jesus to me. It was the physical expression of Christ’s love that I had desired. I’ll never forget this one time when we were together, and he knew something was wrong. He knew I was hurt and upset with him and just wanting to help asked me tell him why. I looked him straight in the eye and refused. I flat out told him no, I wouldn’t talk. Still he didn’t give up, but instead he made me stay. He sat me down, and with more patience, caring, and love then I’ve ever before witnessed coaxed me in to talking so he could do whatever it took to make it right. Every time I looked away, gave up on trying to sort and share my feelings, that gentle voice would break in, “Andrea, look at me. Talk to me.” He cared so much.

We grew amazingly close these past fourteen months. In the beginning we just had fun together. Any time we hung out was always exciting. And then we grew closer and closer and it turned into this awesome, deep friendship. Our times together weren’t always such excitement and adventure anymore, but they didn’t have to be. Just being together was enough. Sometimes we could hardly stand to go two days without seeing each other, and now he’s moving across the country and we’ll have to go two years without seeing each other. But you know as bad as it hurts I wouldn’t change it for the world. I wouldn’t give up these past fourteen months no matter how great the pain it caused me. See I’ve learned a lot over the months. And one of the things I learned is that sometimes pain isn’t a bad thing. Its part of love, and when you hurt so much its only because you care so much, and the caring is so wonderful that the pain only becomes part of the sweetness. Sure, it still hurts, and it’s still hard; but I’m ok.

Yes, I’ve learned a lot these past months. I’ve learned a lot about friendship, about loyalty, about joy, about love, and acceptance. Oh there was no amazing self-discovery. In fact I’m not sure I wasn’t only left with more questions about who I am, but you know I figured out that that’s not a bad thing either. So often we lose our joy because of the things in our day, or week, or year that we don’t like. We let the bad things ruin everything. But you see that’s not what joy is about. Joy can be found in the good things that have happened in the past and those that will come in the future, no matter how long ago or how far to come. Joy can be found simply in knowing that the wonderful creator has left you alive on his good earth. I suppose there are times when it seems it would be better not to have to deal with unpleasant emotions. But you see if there were no pain from the bad, there would be no desire for the good. And if no desire then no joy. And what is life without joy? Yes, these past months have in the end caused a great deal of pain, but oh the joy that came with it. Goodbye, Jamison. Goodbye.