Am I...

a while ago...
I don't know who I am. I've tried, but i can't figure it out. How can I understand the world if I can't even figure out who I am. I don't recognize myself anymore. my face is not familiar. I don't know what I look like without a mirror in front of me. Is that normal? what the fuck is normal anyway? And do thinking these things really make me "down to earth", as all my friends claim? I don't think so. Isn't it just the opposite? If I was so "down to earth", wouldn't I accept the world for the shit that it is? I don't. and I won't. I refuse! Is there really a point in living? Am I really happy, or is that just another one of my false personas? Am i trying to trick myself into being satisfied? I think part of me wants to give in. It wants me to give up my strive to be more. More? More what? And what strive? What the fuck am I trying to accomplish? I think part of me is an ungrateful, unsatisfied, ignorant bitch. My English teacher told us never to use "I think" in a paper because it made you sound unsure of the facts. Well, I am unsure of the facts. I have no idea what the fuck I think. I don't even know if these are my true feelings. I'M SO MAD AT MYSELF. STOP!! I quit.

now...
i wish i could know how i feel. i don't even know. is that normal? oh, who gives a shit anymore. ha, "all i have is the here and now"; i've heard that like 15 times in the last week. maybe the almighty cosmos decided this was my week to learn that lesson. Pretty shitty lesson for the cosmos to put so much effort in. i highly doubt it's the meaning of life. my horoscope said that today, i would have the correct flow to find out what's been bothering my this last week or so, and that i should take advantage of this energy. well, i'm trying, but things have been pretty weird inside my head lately. i don't know what the hell is wrong, i just know it's something. It's probably some emotions from 3 years ago, creeping back into my life in order to make things a little harder. i bet my brain fancies that idea. it's like it's working against me. in the writting from "a while ago", right above this poor attempt of one, i kept saying that "part of me is...", and, "I think part of me..." Well, i guess that there are multiple parts to me. and i'm just falling into pieces. oh, i find that a very entertaining thought. I wish all the parts of me would just work together for once! i'm driving myself batshit. i don't think my "constructive energies" are as strong right now as the astronomical powers thought they were. I have recently rediscovered that i really like Madonna. I had kinda forgotten i guess. this writing is shit, i know. my apologies. let's try again...

i'm upset. not depressed, i don't like calling myself that, because it's "cool" now to be depressed. i don't know why i'm upset, i think there are a lot of reasons...

commercialism, capitalism, unwavering and thoughtless patriotism, billboards, oh, i hate billboards. a few weeks ago, i had this fantasy that i would pay for an ad on a billboard in downtown Dallas (where all the buildings with the pretty little cubicles in them are), but instead of advertising houses, or a HappyMeal, i would have, "ARE YOU HAPPY?" in big red letters. it was a great fantasy, and i even have the # to call for info. in my boyfriend's cellphone, but the truth is, it would cost me tens of thousands of dollars that i don't have. so then i thought maybe i could do it as one of those slides before the movie starts in the theatres, and i have yet to see how much that costs. I have their # in Jeff's cellphone (I rely on my friends, seeing how i have no cellphone to call my own). it's a lost cause, i'm pretty sure. my friends seemed to like it though. But is the question really worth asking, seeing how so very few people know the answer? I sure as hell don't. maybe that's why i'm "upset". My friends think that i'm happy, but i have yet to find out if that is merely an act that i put on because i don't want pitty. or maybe it is because everyone else prefers to pretend that their life sucks and that everyting is so horrible. Am I just trying to be different? Or am I just smarter than that. I hope it is the latter, because i don't like it when i play mind games on everyone else for attention. It really pisses me off, but at least i can recognize the fact that i'm doing it, which so many people sadly can't. Like i said, i guess i just don't know who i am anymore. If I ever did. Am I happy? Am I satisfied? Am I really all that different from everyone else? Am I?

You tell me...

note: i don't really give a shit about grammer. It gets in the way, it's annoying, and it slows you down. It's not wrong because i don't know how to write, or because they're typos, or because i'm stupid. It's gramatically incorrect because emotions are not said and thought perfectly, therefore i choose not to write them perfectly. If i feel the need to fix it up later, I will. But for the time being, try to accept ignorance, if you will. thank you for taking the time to read all this.