The Fantastic Lives of John And Rob

Fade In

Int. apartment - morning

JOHN
(Checks his e-mail)
Subject line reads "Get any girl you want guaranteed".
Hmmmmm

Int. office - morning

JOHN
(walks into the office)


ROB
(working on a computer)
Hey John. Where've you been


JOHN
I couldn't find my keys so I had to take the bus

ROB
(gives John his keys)
Oh, here.You remember how much trouble I went through last time to open that Anti-Virus software box, so I brought your keys with me to open it.

John
(looks at Rob dumbfounded, then hits him)

ROB
Owwww

JOHN
Did you at least remove the virus' from my computer

ROB
(points to the computer screen)
Yeah, it says right here that one of the sites you went to had a virus

JOHN
Sites? Let me see

As John tries to look at the screen Rob covers it with his chest, until John pushes him to the floor.


JOHN
Amazons-in-thongs.com! Is this old Larry's work he asks while looking at Rob.

ROB
As big as this place is, you would think it would take him a long time to clean, but not old Larry. I guess the anticipation of seeing GUILT-FREE PEEKS at HOT, SWEATY.....

JOHN
Alright cut it out, old Larry


ROB
How did you know?

JOHN
Do you think that fake mustache that you put on would fool me, I live with you. I'm surprised no-onelse noticed. I mean, you don't even disguise your voice.

ROB
Well don't tell anyone. I need the job to pay for my car

JOHN
I won't. Hey I got an e-mail from da love...

ROB
doctor

JOHN
Yeah, how did you know

ROB
I signed you up. Ohh, I forgot to tell you, my e-mail had too much crap in it so I sent it to yours

JOHN
(he begins to work)
Under normal circumstances I would hit you, but he gave me an interesting technique for picking up the ladies

ROB
Well?

JOHN
Well what?

ROB
What was it?

JOHN
Nothing

ROB
(grabs onto John's shirt)
Nothing! What do you mean nothing. My love life is what you could call nothing, but this, no, it must be a breakthrough, a secret weapon, the answer to my prayers. John what is it? You gotta tell me, WHAT IS IT?

JOHN
(pushes Rob off him)
Okay. Well in a nutshell, it said in order to get women, you must be rude to them, make them feel like there's no way you would be interested in them, then they'll become interested in you

ROB
Wait a minute, wait a minute

Rob picks up a marker and writes on the board:Uninterested + interested = Uninterested + interested

ROB
(mumbles)
The 2 Uninterested's cancel out
Genius,....... Yes GENIUS!

JOHN
(disbelief)
What?

ROB
We have to try this tonight, in the hardest venue

JOHN & ROB
Club boom boom

ROB
Only thing is Larry will have to leave work early and finish it off in the morning

ROB
walks off mumbling to himself

John
"There is something really wrong with him"


Int. Club Boom Boom - evening
John is dressed normally, but Rob has dressed in a 70's get up, with the hairs on his chest showing. They both stand by the bar, and scope out the women.

ROB
There is a lot of beauty in here tonight

One girl walks past

ROB
Wooow. Did you see how beautiful she is. I'm gonna go try her

Another girl walks past

ROB
Oh gosh. Did you see her legs. I'm gonna try her

Another girl walks past

ROB
Did you see her...

ROB
(makes the shape of an ass with his hands)

JOHN
(smiling)
What?

Rob turns around and points to his ass, and John pushes him away.

ROB
How is this going to work John? I'm leaving

John pulls Rob back to his chair

JOHN
Whats wrong?

ROB
These girls are way out of our leagues....

Another girl walks past

ROB
(looking at the girl)
Way, way out of our leagues

ROB
We are not exactly the cream of the crop. We are like the little bat boys. These type of women they don't date bat boys, they date all-stars John, all-stars!

John throws a drink in Robs face.

JOHN
Snap out of it man. You're showing weakness. If you're not ready, sit back and have a drink

ROB
Well technically you just gave me a ...

JOHN
Shhhh. Just get another drink, while I go first. Then if it works, you try

ROB
Ok

Rob sits down and drinks while John begins to walk over to a girl.

JOHN
(thinking)
Is this really gonna work, well I'm about to find out

JOHN
Excuse me miss. I come here often and have seen a lot of women in my time....

JOHN
(pauses for a second)
But just looking at you is disturbing me. You would think that any women brought up properly would be able to adequately present themselves in public. Maybe you're not a woman! Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go in the bathroom and throw up, because just knowing that I'm in the same room as you repulses me. Hopefully when I'm finished you'll be gone

John then goes into the restroom. While peeing,as another guy pees beside him, he looks down

JOHN
(he says out loud, as he bangs his head against the wall)
I don't think it worked. I'm stupid!

The guy next to him sees this and says

RESTROOM GUY
You're not stupid alright. You just have to hold it at the right angle, here let me help you

RESTROOM GUY
(reaches toward John's zipper area)

JOHN
What?

He pushes the guy's hands away, quickly washes his hands and leaves the restroom and is surprised to see the girl waiting for him

HOTGIRL
I guess you can't fool everybody

JOHN
Hmmm
he replies, surprised she is even talking to him

HOTGIRL
I'm stupid, it's obvious, I knew I should've got that operation

JOHN
No, no forget..... what?

HOTGIRL
Look I don't know you, and you seem honest. How about if you came back to my place, I try on some different looks, and you tell me which ones work?

JOHN
Huh....okay. Whats your name?

HOTGIRL
Chrisie. And yours?

JOHN
John

Chrisie
Okay John. Lets go

She grabs his arm, and leads him out of the club. As they walk by Rob, Rob spits out his drink in amazement, and John winks at him.


Int. Chrisie's apartment - late evening
John is on the couch waiting for her to finish changing, so he can tell her how she looks.

Chrisie
How about this look

She comes out with her face full of make-up, she looks like a clown, but doesn't seem to realize as she does her best model walk.

JOHN
Hmmm. I think you should go for a more natural look

Chrisie
Natural. Ohhh I see what you mean

She then goes back to changing in the other room, but they continue to talk while she changes.

JOHN
(looks at her various signed sports items)
So I see you have a lot of sports memorabilia

Chrisie
Yeah, I love sports, but my passion is basketball

JOHN
Really. Can you play?

Chrisie
Not as much now, but I used be able to do it all. Steal, Rebound, Shoot, Block, Dunk

JOHN
Dunk!

The girl returns revealing she is actually a man. He has returned in lingerie.

JOHN
(disbelief)
Who are you?

Chrisie
(grabs JOHN's hand)
Stop being silly, this is the natural look you wanted

JOHN
(drops his hand, and pushes him away)
What.... wait a minute

JOHN
So you are the hot girl, errr guy, I mean not hot guy. It can't be you cause that girl had an ass

Chrisie
(rubs his ass on JOHN's leg)
Yeah look. Heres the ass right here

JOHN
(runs to the door)
Ahhhhhh

Chrisie
You knew I was a guy, thats why you said all those things. You were just mad that I was hiding my real self. Thats why you asked for the natural look

JOHN
Yeah, well after further inspection, you need to keep this version of yourself covered up. In fact bury it
John says, then closes the door.


After a few seconds, John opens the door.

JOHN
Just for the record can you turn yourself into that hot girl anytime?

Chrisie
Yeah

JOHN
takes off his shirt
"okay, lets go"

John says leading Chrisie by hand into his bedroom.

Int. apartment - late night (almost morning)

John walks into the apartment and the lights are off, so he tries to sneak into the apartment unnoticed, when all of a sudden the lights turn on to reveal Rob standing there with bandages around his head and sunglasses on.

ROB
So how did you do it?

JOHN
How did I do what?

Rob walks up to him slowly and shouts

ROB
How did you get that girl! Cause I know you didn't do what DA-LOVE-DOCTOR said, cause I tried, and ended up with this

ROB takes off his sunglasses to reveal a black eye

JOHN
Who did that?

ROB
The one that walked past, with those legs

JOHN
What. What happened?

ROB
I went up to her, and I was real rude, you know, and I made sure I insulted her loud enough that everyone could hear

JOHN
Why?

ROB
Well I thought I needed to be even more rude than you to get her even more interested, because I aint exactly a babe magnet, I mean look at me

JOHN
Yeah, evidently

ROB
Anyway I guess I was too rude because she punched me


JOHN
She punched you?


ROB
Yeah and it knocked me out."

JOHN
Wow

ROB
Yeah. And I'm pretty sure it wasn't just her though.

JOHN
How do you know?

ROB
I woke up about an hour ago in an alley, with enough shoes up my ass, I could've opened a shoe store. I'm not going to get any action in this city again.

JOHN
Well you must've done it wrong, because I hit a home run

ROB
Are you...., gonna stay with her, cause now that you have that technique you don't need her. Maybe I could....

JOHN
You're in luck, cause I wasn't planning on calling her. In fact I told her about you and she said she wanted to meet you

ROB
Why, I knew something was wrong with her

JOHN
No, it's just....

ROB
Just what? What? Cause I don't care, you know I don't care. I have low standards, what? Is she really bald? Does she have a fake leg? Is she related to Hitler? She doesn't shave ?

JOHN
She shaves alright. It's just that she......... wore boxers

ROB
Boxers?

JOHN
(hands ROB the number)
Yeah I make it a rule not to date girls that wear.... boxers. Theres only enough room for one boxer wearer in my bed

ROB
(he grabs the number)
Your loss

JOHN
Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be in the shower for the next two hours. We still have bleach right?

ROB
Yeah in the bottom cabinet. I have to go finish Old Larry's work anyway. Night


Int. Office - early morning
Rob has his Ol' Larry costume on ( a old mustache, and blue janitor uniform), but still has on the bandages, and sunglasses. He is sweeping up the place, when his eyes lock on to John's computer. He tries to ignore it, but can't resist, drops the broom, removes his mustache, and goes on the interent. He goes to a website called Websex.com, and sets up a webcam. A lady in lingerie comes up onto the screen.

ROB
Hi


INTERNET LADY
Hi. Are you ready to ...... wait a minute, aren't you that idiot from the club. You should be locked up

She says as she exits the site.

ROB
Damn, damn, damn! This is going to haunt me for the rest of my life!" he says as he goes back to sweeping, and begins to cry.




Fade Out