Dear Sophia 9&10 UPDATED 6/22

9
CHARACTER

Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but
the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands.
Anne Frank

Ham and Pea Soup

1 lb. Fresh English peas in the pod
1 stalk of leek
1 clove of garlic
2 ham bullion cubes
1lb of ham steak
1 qt. Of water
sea salt and pepper

Begin by cleaning peas and leeks. Remove all peas from the pods and set aside. Julianne the leek and then dice finely. Trim ham steak of all fat and dice into ¼ inch pieces then sauté with olive oil and minced garlic clove, remove ham and set aside leaving the juices in the pot. Add water and bring to a boil then reduce flame and add leeks and peas then cover and simmer on medium low for 20 minutes. Remove liquid and either using a blender of food processor puree until smooth. Transfer back to large pot and add ham bits, let simmer on
low for at least 30 minutes. Serve with toasted crusted bread.

Dear Sophia,

You loved peas when you were a baby; I mean loved them. As you grew your like for them decreased, never the less I've included this recipe because I know you will return to your roots. This soup is delicious and easy and I can think of no better soup to serve on a rainy day for your guests; as usual I look forward to you preparing this for me someday while we reminisce over good times shared and the memories of wonderful days gone by.


When I was a young man embarking for the first time away from home I can still remember what my father said to me as we said our last goodbye at the airport. I was leaving home to move to New Orleans with a friend I had grown up with who was originally from there. The last thing my father said to me at the airport was "remember where you came from". A curious bit of information for an eighteen-year-old yolung man. I can still remember as I sat in the airplane and looking at the the city I was leaving the well of emotion that stirred in my heart while I contemplated those words. Did he mean that I was to remember I was from Philadelphia? Or was it a figurative way of saying the type of family I was from? Whatever he meant it has to this day, stayed with me like other innocuous little moments of my life that I spoke of earlier. The only difference now would be that I am a man with my own family and have traveled to many places in the world. Along my travels in life I have seen the many ways that people behave and live their lives, something that has made those words truer than almost anything anyone ever told me. What he was telling me was that just because I was out of his sight, did not mean I shouldn't remember the values and lessons I was raised with. And I haven't.

One of my strongest assets in life was the values with which I was instilled and raised with in our middle class Irish Catholic family. There were certain behaviors and attitudes that were not tolerated by my parents, something my brothers and I came to understand early on. Quite simply stated now, but not really never explained then, was that the color of a man's skin was not to be ridiculed and foul language was not acceptable. The social status of other people was not to be looked up to, nor down upon. That said, I really don't think i ever though much about class or wealth until I was about 12-years-old anyway. These values are borne of character, and they like self-esteem make up the backbone of who you are as a person in this world. I read once "that character is doing the right thing when no one is looking", that to me summed it up so simply, yet literally. It's so easy to espouse the virtues we all strive to achieve in our lives, and yet so very difficult to live by them. My parents were not so much rich in possessions as they were in character, perhaps it was the era they were raised in, but they had strong beliefs and solid values. Whatever it was, it was not lost on their children either.


My father was and still is in many ways one of the smartest guys I know. I've seen him hold court with lawyers, laborers, doctors and carpenters. All people that he was equally adept at conversing with regardless of stature, never once elevating or denigrating the other for his position in life. My father through his kind and considerate nature spoke volumes to us regarding how we were to conduct ourselves both in the home and out. Of course that isn't to say I didn't denigrate, humiliate and tease my own brothers unmercifully, we all did that. But we knew where we stood with regard to moral boundaries and what was expected of us when we left our home. My father was one of three children who were raised during the Second World War, a time that for many was one of hardship, but because his parents both worked they were not as hard hit financially as some. His father was a district manager of a national trucking outfit and his mother was a registered nurse. Dad had an older sister and a younger brother, both of whom died early in life, his sister Mary died at age 28 due to diabetes related heart trouble, and his brother Rob died at 34 to heart related issues. His father also passed away early at age 60 of a heart attack, this left just he and his mother, my grandmother who was to have a profound impact on my brother's and my live's.


Part of my father's character was formed early on in life through hard work, the values of which were never lost on any of his son's. He had a growing family and was making ends meet on a truck driver's salary, something which never precluded him from earning extra money anyway he could on the weekends. I can remember going with him early on Saturday's to "help" him do a paint job or various other odd jobs he would work to make extra money. He would often remind any of us when there was an opportunity for us to work as kids "that a dirty hand makes a clean buck". Still it what was the way he did what he had to do that spoke of the stock he was cut from, never as a child do I remember not having a vacation at the shore, or the new athletic gear that was the latest rage. Always somehow he delivered on what we needed, when we needed it. I remember quite well going with him to Fidelity Bank as a child to open my savings account with my small fortune of two hundred pennies from my piggy bank and how proud I was that I was now an account holder at a bank.


In subsequent years after my parent's divorce I would come to see the darker side of my father's personality as he nursed his wounded ego through many a night spent at the local tap room. Yet he would eventually come through that period and begin to get on with his new life. It wasn't long before he was to face death again two years later when my grandmother passed away suddenly. Soon there after he regained the very traits that I loved; always quick with a joke, and always able to recall any sport related fact of any Philadelphia sports team of any era. My father loved people, something that I believe I inherited from him, he loved to engage people no matter what they did for a living, because although my father never received any higher education than high school, he was a voracious reader of the newspaper and it seemed as though there was nothing he didn't at least know a little about.


The important thing to remember was that he taught us more from how he treated his family, friends and how he conducted himself, than any pontificating person ever could. He was not impressed by wealth nor did he demean those less fortunate, he treated all men with equal dignity, something that I as a man do today, as I know that everyone is important to himself and should be treated accordingly. So Sophia, character is just that, how you conduct yourself, both when people are looking as much as when they aren't. My father had it; he didn't need to preach it. He lived his life with dignity, honesty and as morally as one can, he never spoke ill of anyone at least not in our presence and would readily castigate any of us for doing so. He did as he said, and said as he did, a real indicator of character. I tell you this not so much because I think you'll need to know this yourself, but because I want you to be able to see the false examples readily as you walk through life. Often times the people you'll meet who espouse the virtues to which you should aspire will be the least qualified to do so.


As it turned it out, just before I was to marry your mother it was clear in many ways her parents felt as though I was below their social status. This wasn't so much in how they treated me, as they would always be polite to your mami, but it wasn't something that was encouraged. This would manifest itself more in how they didn't respect me as a man, as if I was one of their confused son's. Luckily I was raised not to bow to any man because of his wealth. I began to feel as though they expected me to be awed by their trappings of wealth or worldliness, I wasn't I assure you.


When I asked your mother to marry me it was in the fall of 1996 and I had just purchased the diamond ring set in platinum for her and took her to Swarthmore train station one chilly October night and proposed at the very spot we first met. Your mami was to travel to Venezuela a few days later for her father's birthday and she said she couldn't arrive with a ring on her finger without her parents being asked for her hand in marriage. this was something I felt equally strong about ans assured I would take care of everything. Unfortunately due to the fact that she was living with me there was a strain and certain disdain for me by her father, something I would later come to realize wasn't really because of the living arrangement so much as the control he was poised to lose over your mother. I had been to Venezuela the previous July for your aunt Glorianna's wedding, it was there that I was the recipient of some of the rudest and humiliating treatment I had ever received by another adult. When I approached your grandfather to introduce myself he refused to even speak with me at the reception, neither would he even shake my hand. You can add immature to his list of behaviors, as I made a mature and respectful attempt to speak to him one on one and congratulate him on his daughter's wedding day. Once again Sophia, it's all about character, and his behavior spoke volumes of his, or rather lack of.


Suffice to say I was very much in love with your mother and I was not going to have her arrive and have to hide her symbol of that love because I had not spoke to this man. I assured her after I got her on the plane that I would indeed have spoken to her father before she arrived in Caracas. I made five attempts to speak with the man and was thwarted on all but the last due to my persistence and unwillingness to let your mother down. On the fifth call I got him on the phone and introduced myself, he had been expecting me due to my numerous calls in the last 12 hours. He said, "Hello Tim, how are you" in his Latin accented English. I said, "I'm fine sir, but I wanted to speak with you concerning an important matter" to which his reply was "Well I'll be in Florida soon and perhaps you can come to visit with Laura and we could all talk then" I said, this time with a bit more urgency, as I could sense in his voice he was very uncomfortable. "Well Mr. Castro I'm afraid this cannot wait until then as I wanted to ask for your and Mrs. Castro's blessings to marry your daughter". Before he could answer I immediately continued on, not realizing that what I was doing at the time spoke of my "character" as he was later to profess how impressed he was with how well spoken I was. I told him that, "I knew how he felt with regard to our living arrangement, and for that I wanted to apologize, for if I was so blessed one day to have a daughter, I wouldn't want her living with a man before marriage either. But the fact of the matter was I loved his daughter very, very much and I want to you to know I respect your feelings but that circumstances were such that this is way it played out, and for this I am sorry if it disappointed you and Mrs. Castro, as this was never my intent to disrespect you. I do however intend to marry your daughter, and I hope it is with your blessing, as we are very committed to each other. I will always honor and take care of her and cherish her as you would want her to be cherished"

Then there was nothing, just silence. I knew I had spoken the words he had wanted to delay if not avoid altogether; it was at this point I felt an immensely heavy load immediately lift from my shoulders. I knew then also that I had taken the correct route to my objective. He said, "Well yes Tim you're right, we've had a bad start, I'll tell you what, lets start over, and yes you have our blessing, we will talk when I come to Florida." What could he say, I had delivered the most heartfelt and difficult words of all my 33 years, something which my upbringing and moral convictions had allowed me to do in spite of the bitter and mean spirited man he was. Your mother meanwhile was biting her nails off on that plane, not knowing whether I had spoken to her father or not. She arrived in Caracas not sure whether to pocket the ring or keep it on her finger. As she came through the customs doors, there stood her family with a bottle of champagne in hand shouting congratulations! She knew I had come through, though I hope she never doubted I would. They all retired back to her sisters house to celebrate where they all called me as If I was a part of the family now, certainly her father had never been spoken to so eloquently or sincerely by any suitor of his daughters and was unable to collect himself until hours later. Soon I was now the favored one, "the American" which her father supposedly felt akin to by virtue of his Puerto Rican heritage, and becuae he liked the idea of an Irish American son in law.


This Sophia is your history and how you came to be. This story was written on the fly as we
lived it; your mami and I knew but one thing, we loved each other very much. I was not prepared for the moment in any way, yet I had been given the good grace and dignity to follow through by the character instilled in me by my parents and the examples of how to conduct your self like a respectful human being. I hope in some way this allows you a look into who I am and how much I tried to instill in you the wonderful virtues and traits that were given to me. These are gifts that you will not recognize nor appreciate until you are older and you realize through your life's experiences just how well prepared and enlightened your parents made you. Oddly enough I
look at your school motto now and think how ironic, "Character Counts". It does my dear, it really does.

With love, Papi


10

Courage
One isn't necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential. Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can't be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest.
- Maya Angelou


Dear Sophia,

I am quite sure as you mature and come to understand the recent events your mother and I had to endure in both our marriage and personal lives, you will come to see the many faces of courage and it's ugly companion cowardice. For in as much as I have explained the inextricable chain of events that caused the downward spiral of our marriage, there have been many other moments of commendable courageousness. I have stood throughout this painful period as I do now, alone. I do not blame your mother for two reasons; she was the victim for one, and secondly, she was unable to know what to do, as her whole life was upended by her father's abusive actions. Still for all she didn't do with respect to our marriage, I am glad she stood up to her father and in doing so, took back a bit of what was stolen by making him publicly accountable ay least to her immediate family for the nightmare he started.


I can only wish as of this writing that her brothers and sister who have claimed the same outrage as me were able to be as courageous as your mami, unfortunately this was not the case. Too often in life people will resort to the path of least resistance, something all of your mother's family chose to do. I have had to face this crisis alone and with no assistance from the very family I was supposedly a part of. At the first sign of trouble those most able to affect change in your mother's battle with her demons all lacked the courage to do what was right and necessary. I alone was left to see this mess through, and to take steps to ensure that you as my daughter were protected and considered in the outcome of this painful period in all of our lives. Certainly one thing I can assure you of after having witnessed the weak moral stance your mother's family took with regard to what your grandfather did, would be that it would never happen to you. Courage is not defined solely by the physical triumph against overwhelming odds or evil. Courage may also be defined by making the right choices against that which may not be the popular or easy choice in life. Case in point would be how at the first sign of your mother's crisis most everyone around her except myself decided either to ignore it, or to not get involved.


I Sophia am no hero, I was merely fighting for my wife, my friend and my marriage at a time when most of her family chose to either ignore or deny the truths surrounding her anguish and pain. Instead it was far easier to point an accusatory finger at me, the one who had weathered this storm with your mother, accusing me of the problems in our marriage by selfishly claiming it was my earning power, or a social staus clash. Once again words of a selfish and cowardly man, who could not look himself in the mirror of his soul, for his image was forever cracked in that mirror. To me courage would have been her father's accounting for his actions, repenting and trying to make things right in his family. Still this was not to be the case, as your mother, for all of her courage, could not have imagined how abandoned she would become. Moreover I as a man of morals could not understand how a family unit could fail one of it's own so completely. Many a night your mother and I would lie awake with the angst that this was causing our marriage, knowing the deeper we delved into this, the deeper the betrayal and abandonment would be revealed. Still through it all there were signs of tremendous courage on your mami's behalf to face what her family could only run and hide from. Your mother and I sought help at first, usually at my urging as your mother at first either could not, or would not make the connection that this abuse was somehow related to our troubles in our marriage. When we finally did get counseling it became clear to the psycologist that what was needed even more than marriage counseling was survivor counseling for your mother.


Once again, this was courageousness on your mother's part to even break out of the mindset from which she put herself for so many years to begin to face the betrayal and failure of her own family with regards to her abuse. I was extremely proud of your mother, though our marriage was getting no better, she was facing the demons in her life. For a time I could see the therapeutic value, yet for every step forward, there was two steps back, for when she would scratch the surface of the abuse it would often cause her to back off. She was still too afraid to go too far, for fear of the pain the memories evoked. Her behavior changed and she would be out to very odd hours of the night, drinking too much as if maybe her troubles would disapear, though she knew they wouldn't. It was during this time I had decided that I now wanted nothing more to do with her father or her family, in doing so I essentially cut myself off from her entire family, which in actuality made it easier for them. By avoiding them they didn't have to face a reminder of the truths in their lives, and they all knew the truth.


The inability of your Mother's family to face and confront the monster which had preyed upon her has in fact had grave consequences and continues to hamper her recovery still. Even today your mami attends family gatherings and no one knows her smile hides the pain or hard it is for her to be near this man, for she is still hurting. The odd thing is, no one even cares, as there is little mention made as to her comfort to even be in the sane company of the man who did this to her yet still denies it to this day . This in fact is incredibly sad for your mother, and I as her mate and indeed her friend am very sensitive to this fact, regardless of what has transpired between us, my first inclination is to want to wrap her up and protect her. For whatever reasons your grandmother chose acceptance over outrage and silence over speaking out. This is a woman who in word and deed is considered a good woman by many friends and family mambers, yet someone who also chose the abuser and his lies over the abused and her truths. It must have been very hard for her to think that the man you thought you knew for 35 years is actually a calculating monster who methodically preyed on your most precious asset, something she either could not, or as her actions have shown- would not confront. Your grandmother; knowing what she knows has neither discussed or apologized for her role in this sad tale. She clearly has at the very least a guilt by acceptance. I liked to think I was not only a son-in-law, but also a friend to your grandmother, yet to this day I have been vilified in a way without so much as a simple apology for the loss of my family due to her husband's actions and her own failure to prevent them. Once again it all came down to personal courage. Unfortunately for your mother, her parents were not of the necessary moral stock to confront these horrible past events, either for the inevitable shame it may have caused, or more likely because of their position socially, which would have made this very hard to air publicly. The resulting fallout for which even they should have been able to see, was that it further damaged your mother, it was almost as if it were an excusable grievance since her husband did this so "long ago".


The only person in your mami's family who would show the personal courage to face your grandfather was your tio Armi. He steadfastly stood next to your mother on that dark night in April and refused his father's reaction to shrug this off as something your mami had "invented", sadly his voice too would soon be stifled by his father's control, both emotionally and financially. He basically was written out of your father's life that night also along with your mother, as their father showed his true lack of conscience and courage by accusing them both of trying to "ruin him", as a result they would also be "written out of his will". Of course this type of cowardice was to be expected, your mother had even been counseled beforehand that confrontation rarely, if ever evokes the response and contrition the victim so desires, still your mami with all her courage knew it was time. Your uncle was summarily banished from both the family business as well as the family for some time, and your grandparents retreated from view, not once did your grandmother, who I would have figured to have had more backbone, ever pick up the phone and apologize or inquire about your mami. I know how deeply embarrassed and hurt your mami was, for I saw the fallout after the initial blush of confidence and relief wore off and she began to question the price she would now have to pay for "coming out". I still to this day maintain your mother did what was right, she placed herself on higher ground the day she confronted her parents. She didn't go seeking to "out" or destroy anyone, instead she went with peace in her heart and willingness to forgive, she merely sought acknowledgement of the hurt caused and the betrayal experienced. Unfortunately for your mother she will more than likely watch her parents go to their graves before their selfish personalities would ever allow them the indulgence of offering any type of apology, which is a shame afterall, as all children want to love their parents, even parents who weren't very good parents. Herein lies the dilemma for your mother, as she has been made to put aside her pain, shame and unconmfortableness for the sake of her parents inabilty to have the moral courage to right that which was so wrong, and which continues to have reverberations to this day, more than 25 years after the fact.


This is what I know about courage. Many times in your life you will be tested either emotionally, physically or spiritually, the difference being, that if you have the courage you will also have the insight, the abilty and the capacity to face any or all of these challenges. Many people around you face tough challenges everyday, and often times what is remembered is not the challenge, but the solution. The solution will often lie within your ability to be able to face your own shortcomings, frailities and doubts, which makes your own personal courage to do what is morally and personally correct even more important. I know Sophia that you will have this ability, because even at this young age you show definitive, clear and deliberate choices with your words, your actions and even your likes and dislikes. You must always guard against not having the courage to listen to your inner self, because this is the voice which will guide the toughest choices in your life, just try to keep the courage to listen to this voice when life's challenges make you question your own direction. You see Sophia, courage to perservere, courage to make the right coices, and courage to change are the core of human existance. You will witness examples of this everyday, if only in small ways.


I remember well your first day of kindergarten for all the obvious reasons but also because of the turmoil that was swirling about in your mother's and my life at the time. Still we had a job to do, and that was to remain strong and focused for you. I as one of five brothers never had to go to school alone in all my life, never had to stand at a bus stop alone, and never felt as thought there weren't somebody with me. You on the other hand were the exact opposite, which once again proved that we were on the right track with you. You were clear in your desire to take the bus to school, no matter that you were five years old and never been on a bus in your life not to mention had never left your mami and papi on your own either. You insisted. I was so damn proud of how courageous you were as your mother and I walked you to the bus stop that day. I remember the night before making a tag to pin to you so that you would be collected and routed to the right place, your mother actually wanted to follow the bus, something I wanted too actually, but I knew was not the right thing to do. I knew we must be strong and let our little bird fly, it was the natural order of life, and I also knew we would spend many more days filled with heavy hearts as you embarked on other new experiences. So there you were, backpack on, your little khakki skirt with your embroidered school polo shirt waiting excitedly for your first bus ride. When that bus door opened your were up those steps in a flash, and then you trned to us and in an instant I want to snatch you back. I could feel the tears welling in your mother's eyes, and you said with so much excitement and courage "where do I sit Papi"? I told you anywhere you want, and you chose the first bench across from the driver. I remember thinking how small you appeared against that big yellow bus and the straight back benches on which you now sat perched. That my dear was courage also, you were comfortable in your knowledge that you had two people behind you that believed and supported you, and even though we wanted to just cry as you left you did so with your little face alight with anticipation for your first day of school.


The courage you displayed at such a young age was because you felt the love and the support of your parents, and you knew that you had it in you to face your fears. This all speaks of the self-esteem and belief in oneself not to mention your self confidence. This Sophia is something that will propel you through many tough moments in your life, as you are being raised by your parents in a way that makes you believe in yourself and your abilities. Sadly this ability was not developed in the full sense with your mother, something that I knew as she delved deeper into the events of so many years ago, for if one is to truly grow as a child and indeed an adult, one needs to walk in the love and unfledgling support of one's family. Still despite the hardships we've endured and the heartbreak they have caused, I still see in your mother that indomitable strength to do what some people spend their whole lives trying to build the courage to do- face the abuser. She still stands as an example that you can face painful memories and try to regain your own inner strength and courage to move forward with your life and the lives around you, unafraid and unyielding to the fears we all possess in some form. God willing she will continue this march.

Love, Papi