Gray

(<For Michael, I guess... I didn’t write this for him, but, supposing he would want it to be dedicated to him, then I guess it can be.>)

Gray
(A moment, in five parts.)

I.
Sprawled unevenly in the scuffed mock car seat,
You looked as if someone had pulled the plug
On you, like you were the electronic
Instead of the arcade game in front of you,

Whose screen you watched listlessly
Through distant eyes.
I greeted quietly your wearied figure;
Should I have asked what was wrong?

Standing there in cautious silence, the coldness
Of my drink burning at my fingers and the
Roof of my mouth, I watched you as
You watched the insides of your eyelids.

II.
When finally you moved, you turned to
Look at me and reached out your hand.
It hovered there, flat and empty and
Joining in with your eyes to ask me,

But to ask me for what?
Puzzled, I held out the freezing red cup
Clutched in my fingers; I was often asked
For a sip of it, when I had one,

Especially by you. But you shook your head
Tiredly, said, No. You wanted my hand.
III.
With my cold-reddened digits, you also
Claimed my arm, and I relinquished it
To you; concerned, but longing also to
Touch you, to share your sorrow through contact.

You curled around my forearm, like
A child clinging to a security blanket,
Resting your head against the gray -
Gray like the sky outside,

Gray like the strange waves of sadness
That you emanated - knit of my sweater.
I didn’t know what to do, so I
Gave up on figuring it out and

I let you hold onto my limb, deep down
Wanting to wrap you up in my arms.
Relishing your warmth, I hoped that
My hand wasn’t too cold.

IV.
Years passed before you let go, but
Looking back I know that it was only
A couple of minutes. You rose slowly from the
Chair; I sat down and lounged in the heat

You’d left behind. Now you stood beside me,
And we were silent. Electronic tides of
Techno washed around us as the other
Kids stomped on the neon DDR dance floor.

When he waltzed to the back of the shop
In his Catholic school sweater-vest to watch them
Dance, blue contacts following their feet and
Mouth working at a chocolate ice,

You glanced back and forth between him
And I. And for the first time in much
Too long, your brown eyes lit up and you
Beamed down at me like a little boy again.

The space around me felt empty when
You walked away.

V.
Somehow I wish that I could have done more
For you in those moments, rather than standing
Still and silent, like a pierced, blue-haired
Mannequin. Were you glad I was there,

Or would you have clung to anyone,
Just to feel the warmth of another being?
Did I help you get out of that seat? Was it only
Him that made you smile the way you did,

Or did I help your lips to curve upwards
Like flowers towards the sun?

I may never know.