The Whore Calculator

In this day and age, premarital sex is a reality and is now considered common. Most might even consider waiting for marriage to be old fashioned or even unrealistic. However we are not here to judge if someone does this, but rather if their frequency is excessive.

Many of us have had a hard time distinguishing whether someone is excessively promiscuous or not. Often times a female (and sometimes even males) will be socially classified as a "slut" or a "whore" based on the number of people they have slept with. This has been the trend of society for many years now. It is my opinion that this is not a fair or true judgement of one's sexual activity level. The purpose of this thesis is to more accurately define this level.

I have devised a simple equation that can, in a number, define a person's sexual activity level. Using simple math, you are able to ascertain a number I will refer to as the Whore Factor. Based on the Whore Factor, one can make their own determinations as to whether the person in question is in fact a whore. For the sole purpose of this test, we will now be referring to someone who is more sexually active than what is considered to be ideal as a whore.

As mentioned earlier, many people use the sheer volume of sexual partners as a gauge. While volume is important, age plays a big factor in that. Those of us who date regularly can often encounter people of many different ages. Obviously, 16 partners is greater than 8, however, if the person who has slept with 8 has only been sexually active for a year, the whore factor is considerably more than the 50 year old who has slept with double that amount in 3 times the amount of time sexually active!

However, the monkey wrench in this is is the Long Term Relationship (LTR). LTR's can distort this number vastly, hiding the true whore who's been out of the game for awhile. Don't worry, we account for those too.

My test for whore worthiness is pretty simple. Keep in mind you can adjust penalty point values to suit your morals!

We'll judge Joe Ruawhore, a fictional person. Joe is 27 years old, lost his virginity at age 17. In his time, Joe has managed to nail 14 chicks, and had 3 serious relationships lasting 1 year each. Joe is a clean individual, with no STD's, and has not had sex with a prostitute. However, he did cheat on two of his girlfriends once a piece.

A)Take number of people slept with (14).

B)Subtract LTR (those lasting greater than 6 months) from this number. Joe has had 3 (14 - 3 = 11 total).

C)Now, take number of years sexually active. Joe has been active 10 years. Subtract time served in LTR (3 years). This will leave you with 7.

D)Now, divide number of partners (11) into years sexually active. (7)

If your math is the same as mine, you should end up with a number of 1.5xxx. We'll just lop it down to 1.5

Now, we adjust in penalty points. Penalty points are awarded for making moral mistakes, such as contracting an STD, cheating in a relationship, or for paying for sex. You can adjust the value of the penalty points to match your moral standards. In my mind, STD's and prostitution are just as bad as the other, so those are equal to 5 penalty points. Cheating is a lesser offense, to me, than the others so penalty points are 1 for that. This allows for one cheating without any penalty. Joe has no STD's and has never solicited a prostitute, but has cheated twice, so he is assessed 2 penalty points. Now add the penalty points together (1 + 1 = 2) and multiply penalty points by the final score. So we will take Joe's 1.5 and multiply it by 2 to give you his final Whore Factor score of 3.

Now, it is up to you to determine if Joe is a whore. Here is my opinion: If you end up with a number greater than 4, you are a whore. The basis behind this reasoning is purely my opinion that if you are having sex with more than 4 people (or one new person every 3 months) a year that you are a whore. This is PURELY my opinion. Everyone's math may not be the same as mine, because this is a subjective test. Some may have given Joe more or fewer penalty points for cheating. Others might simply find that their taste is for a lower number than 4 and as such, find Joe to be a whore. This is purely your call.
Please note that this is not fool proof, but is a GENERAL idea that I came up with purely based on my own beliefs, but I have found it to work fairly well. It works equally well for men and women alike, but men and women will have different guidelines.

Please remember that this was written mostly with tongue in cheek, and is not to be taken 100% seriously. If you find yourself offended, please do not blame me; you will need to place blame on yourself for the judgements you have made.