The Unsinkable S.S. McXXXXXXX

Captain McXXXXXXX stood on the gangplank in those last tearful moments before the maiden voyage of the S.S. McXXXXXXX. It was the first time an entire brokerage attempted to set sail with its business; he was a bit emotional and more than a little proud.

The date was January 30, 1994. Amy, the very latest and lowliest crew member was simultaneously swabbing the deck and talking furiously into the ship's new cellular receptionist system. She looked over the side of the ship and saw the lady from the employment agency glancing furtively around as she accepted a large bundle of money from Roseann, the office manager. "I've been sold," thought the receptionist. And from that moment on, Amy knew that this job was gonna be nothing short of slave labor for a salary of kicks and rice and harsh orders.

The truth of the matter was that except for a few high-ranking crew members, the staff of the S.S. McXXXXXXX were all in the (no pun intended) same boat. After Captain McXXXXXXX christened the ship with a two dollar bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 (company spending was off to a sudden and frugal start), he retired to an unknown lower cabin and emerged only once or twice a day to monitor unnecessary lighting usage. Mops were distributed, desks set up, food service ushered into the kitchens, and the voyage had begun.

Business was bad. The ingenuity of the high-ranking crew members was wasted on the lazy workers, who couldn't seem to navigate, clean, and maintain the ship's vital workings while remaining sharp and productive salespeople. Disgusted, the high-rankers met daily in the bar-lounge to discuss the situation. It was decided that the bulk of the work could be shouldered by the marketing manager, who had no computer on the ship and was therefore almost useless as a businesswoman. Her name was Carol, and she worked herself raw in fewer than two months and became the first to jump ship. Carol was never found.

The high-rankers then had to redistribute the workload; they retired for longer and longer periods of time to the lounge to talk it over. When they emerged, they hand-picked individuals to carry the bulk of the workload. But these hand-picked workers, too, buckled under the angst and pressure. Julie, a pleasant enough administrator, was deemed over-friendly and made to scrub the filthy executive bathrooms until she was overcome by the stink. She ran to the side of the ship to vomit and lost her balance, falling over the side. A kind fellow administrator threw her a raft, and she got in and drifted away smiling.

Then the work fell on cheery Tim, a former executive turned lounge help by the accusing eyes of the high-rankers. He was forced to listen to endless rhetoric, clean tables, wait on the high-rankers hand and foot, and do dishes. Tim snuck into the radio control room late one night and radioed another ship. Everyone saw him the next morning waving with glee from the deck of the U.S.S. Axxxxx. This so angered the high-rankers that soon afterward, they actually snatched Bob, an innocent and unsuspecting worker, and made him walk the plank.

The unrest aboard the S.S. McXXXXXXX was growing, but the staff had no choice but to continue as best they could to comply with the company guidelines. Not many were as brave as Tim or as strong-willed as Carol and Julie. They told themselves it wasn't so bad, and they became resigned to their imprisonment.

One day there was a great storm. All of the staff were forced to work round-the-clock hours to bail the ship and ensure the safety and comfort of the high-rankers. It was exhausting and frustrating, and the darn storm just wouldn't let up. It was then that Amy, the true heroine of the ship, broke out of her gentle coffee-drinking shell. She actually inflated a raft, threw it (and herself) overboard, and rowed for help.

It was an astounding act. The staff waited for three days for a sign of their benefactor. Finally, on the dawning of the fourth day, the S.S. CXXXX appeared on the horizon. Cheering for joy, the staff jumped happily overboard and swam to the awaiting ship, destined for freedom and destinations beyond.

Thus ends the tale, except for one small footnote. The great heroine of the S.S. McXXXXXXX was honored in Washington for her bravery, and the unsinkable ship itself hit an iceberg in the Northern seas due to poor seamanship, and sank. (Captain McXXXXXXX himself was saved and found employment with X.X.'s conservation department).