How To Murder Your Spouse

Don't take this wrong. The author, in no way, condones murdering anyone. This is a comedy and reflects on no one. I got the idea from watching Bookity spend 14 hours a day watching those women channels and court TV. Both of them broadcast non stop trials or movies about trials where the husband cuts up his wife or the wife slowly poisons the husband. They scheme so well that they almost certainly would get away with it, except for that one smart forensic scientist that found the hair two miles away in a garbage dump 14 years later. It makes you wonder, how many innocent people are in jail doesn't it?



Act 1 The Plan

"You bastard! I found lipstick on your lapel last night. Where were you until three in the morning? Why didn't you call me or something so I didn't have to worry?" She screamed in a feverish pitch.

"Honey! I'm innocent. Really. I work at a lipstick factory. You know that. And the boss wanted me to stay late to test out this new line so that women's lips will look fresh even 14 years after they die. By the way, it works really well. I brought home some samples for you." He replies with bright fire red lips.

"Wipe that stuff off! You look ridiculous! And you know I hate red. It doesn't match those baggy white cotton underwear I always wear. Now get in the kitchen and clean up the mess the kids made yesterday." She answers back.

Big Mike, as he is affectionately known because he looks like a big Polar Bear, walks in the kitchen and grabs an apron. Placing it around his large hips, he is barely able to tie it in the back.

"She's gone too far this time; I think I'll murder her for this." He thinks to himself.

And while he painstakingly does the dishes a sinister-looking character resembling Elad Nostaw pops up on his shoulder.

"Yeah! Why don't you just kill her? She'll be better off anyhow. She's miserable. Just look at her in there sitting in your chair, scratching herself and drinking the beer you bought for the guys' poker games on Wednesdays. If anyone deserves it, she does. Go tell her to get out of your chair, you whimp!" Elad says firmly pointing.

"But, I love her Elad. She's my wife of 15 years and besides I think she looks cute scratching herself like that." Mike answers back.

"Stop being a whimp, Mike. Killing your spouse is easy and everyone does it these days. You just have to do it smarter. I mean if you don't get caught, what's the harm?" Elad says Rationally.

Big Mike argues back and forth with the little Devil, Elad on his shoulder but after two hours of bitter debate, watching her drink his beer and dish pan hands, he decides Elad has a point.

"That's the spirit Mike. We'll show her. Let her accuse you of cheating from a cloud. Think of it this way: You're doing her a favor by sending her to her maker prematurely. She can honestly say you have a real premature problem this time. She'll be better off. " Elad says triumphantly. "Now how are you going to do her in?

"I had thought about poisoning her! What do you think?" He asks the tiny Elad.

"Hey! Now that's using your head. You can get something that doesn't show up in an autopsy. Something like....." Elad thinks while scratching his chin. "How about Rat poisoning? I saw a show once where a guy used that. The box looked just like a small sugar box. You can say that you were taking care of a rat problem and just left the box out next to the sugar box. Then she demanded that you make her coffee and the boxes got mixed up. You wouldn't be lying after all: You are taking care of a rat, sorta. And if you told the cops that, I'm sure they would believe you. Those guys love coffee and I'll bet they've had a time where their wives demanded a cup. It'll be like striking a blow for manhood. They're sure to be sympathetic."

Act Two (The Best Laid Plans)

"OK, now you had better practice the plan. Make her a cup of coffee and use the sugar box. You have to make sure she won't question an unsolicited cup first. If she's suspicious she might not drink it and poison the house plant instead. That would be the evidence they could use against you and call it premeditated. I saw that on Court TV once. They convicted the guy because they found a dead house plant and tested it. It turned out that she had dumped the coffee on it. They were able to show that twice he had accidentally poisoned her cup which made it Premeditated Murder." The little Elad says.

Big Mike places the sugar in the coffee, stirring it up. Then he takes the cup to his wife.

"Oh how thoughtful, Mike!" She says. "You are such a great hen-pecked husband. I love you!" She says smiling cutely.

Big Mike returns to the kitchen where Elad promptly appears on his shoulder again.

"See! That was easy. You're halfway home Big Mike." Elad says smiling mischievously.

"No, I can't do it Elad. She said I love you to me. Maybe I should do things more around here for her and I won't have to kill her." Mike says ashamed of his actions.

"No, no, Mike. Don't get weak kneed on me now. She deserves it. Just keep thinking about her drinking up the guys poker beer. And you can find a better wife. Maybe a young secretary that worships the ground you walk on, with really long legs and extra large breasts." Elad says convincingly.

"I can't do it Elad. I love her. Go back to that hot house you call hell." Mike says sternly.

"Thump!" A sound emanates from the living room followed by a crash, all the while Mike and Elad argue.

"What's that?" Elad asks curiously. He disappears and reappears in the living room.

"Oh my God! She's had a heart attack." Elad states just as Big Mike enters the room.

"No way Elad. She just had a check up," says Mike with his lower lip quivering.

Elad disappears and while Mike is feeling for her pulse, he hears Elad suddenly talking in the kitchen.

"You really did it Mike. You got the boxes mixed up. You've killed her!" Elad says chuckling. "Only you could do a practice run and ACTUALLY get the boxes mixed up. Oh well, Now you can say with conviction that it was an accident. Although, I wouldn't say it was a practice run and you killed her by mistake."

"Oh my God. I've killed my wife, Elad. Do you know what that means?" Mike says in a heightened state of remorse and panic.

"Well, for one thing it means you can get that new Harley Motorcycle she threw a fit about. She did say "Over my dead body."

"No, that's not funny Elad. I feel awful." Mike says crying. "What should I do Elad?"

"Well, if it will make you feel any better, you can name the bike after her. But If I were you, I'd clean up this mess. What are you going to do with the body?" Asks Elad.

"I'll call the police. Maybe they can revive her?"

"Not a great idea Mike. You used rat poisoning. I was going to find some dead rats you could lay around the house. But now you've killed her and you've never had rats before. They will see right through that. You need to do something with that body and make it look like she was kidnapped or ran away with the Pizza Guy or something. Hey, that might work. Order Pizza and we'll kill that guy and hide both bodies. That way it will look like they eloped together."

"I'm not going to kill anyone else. I didn't want to kill her really. I just wanted her to be nicer to me." Mike says.

"Well, you've accomplished that Mike. She'll be really nice to you now. How much insurance did you have on her?" Elad asks.

"Well, some insurance guy came by last week and they had a sale on the $5 million dollar policy. We bought that on both of us." Mike says proudly. "She could never resist a sale." Big Mike cries more thinking about that.

"Wow. She really is being nice to you now. But that won't look good. Think about it!" Elad says concerned. "You had better get rid of that body and order Pizza.

Elad phones Pizza Hut and orders pizza for one. Now go get that sledge hammer you're always bragging about to the guys. I'll answer the door and get him to go in the kitchen and just as he does, you bash him with the Craftsman Sledge Hammer. Then we'll cut up the bodies in the tub and bury them all around Brown County.

A few minutes pass and the door bell rings. Elad opens the door to see a 16 year old delivery boy.

"Hmmmm this won't work. She's 42 and he's 16. The cops will never believe that." Elad thinks to himself. "I had better stop this and order another Pizza from somewhere else."

"Anyone here?" asks the pizza delivery boy as he looks over the tiny Elad's head.

"I'm down here you idiot!" Elad says. "I hate being small like this." Elad thinks to himself.

"Oh a dwarf. Well, you wont be able to handle this really Large Single Topping Pizza then. I'll just set it on the kitchen table for your dad." The Pizza boy says sarcastically.

"No, that's OK. Hey wait! You can't go in there." Elad states while leaping on the boys leg and vainly trying to stop him.

Just as he enters the kitchen dragging the complaining Elad, Mike slams the mighty sledge hammer down hitting the box and splattering Pizza sauce all around the room. For a second the boy freezes looking into Mike's wild eyes and then as he turns Mike swings the hammer yet again connecting on top of the boys head driving him to the floor. The body quivers on the ground and then ceases all movement.

"Hey I did it, Elad. I got him." Mike says almost proud of himself.

"No, Mike. You got a 16 year old boy. No one will ever believe your wife ran off with him. Just look. He's still got pimples for Christ's sakes. Hmmmm! Let me think. (A few seconds pass) OK, I've got it. I'll call his Dad and tell him the little sarcastic bastard is sick. He'll have to come get him and we'll claim they were all going to elope together as a family. That might work since your wife told everyone you weren't capable of keeping an erection long enough to produce a child. We can just say she wanted children and you were impotent." Elad states proudly thinking of his methodical genius.

Elad hatches the plan into actions. An hour later after having talked to the Pizza boy's Dad, the doorbell rings.

"OK now Mike. Don't screw this up. All you have to do is bash the guy one time and then we'll dispose of all three bodies. It'll be easy but be careful. This man sounded like a really big guy. Don't miss him.

Elad answers the door. As he opens it, a woman in her forties stands towering above him. She is wearing a short skirt and Elad being of the short devilish stature he is, has the vantage point of looking directly up her skirt. She doesn't have on underwear either which has the effect of draining all of the blood supply from Elad's upper thinking head and depositing it else where.

"Anyone here?" The woman asks and then she sees the eight inch Elad on the floor before her. "Where's Johnny? Oh a dwarf! How cute. I'd like to just take you home but I need to get Johnny to a Doctor."

Elad just kind of grunts not being able to think quickly and the woman steps over him and walks into the kitchen. Just as she enters the door, the sledge hammer hits her on the top of the head sending her to the floor. Now there are three dead bodies in the kitchen. (The wife was dragged in there out of sight.)

"Elad. This guys weird. He must be a transvestite. He looks like a really attractive woman." Mike says puzzled.

"That's because it is a really attractive woman, you idiot. You've killed his Mom." Elad says in a state of panic.

"Well, no ones going to believe my wife ran off with another woman and her son." Mike says sarcastically. "What are we going to do?"

"Well, I can call the Dad and get him over here to finish it." Elad thinks out loud.

Seven bodies later, the Dad shows up. In the kitchen are the following: One wife, the Pizza delivery boy, The Pizza delivery boy's Mom, The pizza delivery boy's older brother who's only 17 and is obviously gay thus he won't work as a substitute suitor, an aunt of the pizza delivery boy, The Pizza Delivery boy's best friend (fifteen year old), and some unlucky guy that was supposed to be the dad but turned out to be a census bureau representative. (He would have worked but the dad knew all of these people were over here and so he had to die anyhow.)

(Ring!) The doorbell rings!

"OK now, try and get this right Mike. We can't afford for any more bodies to disappear. Luckyville only has a population of 497 to start with and if the whole town disappears, it will attract attention. You don't want to do that do you?" Elad asks.

"This was your idea, Elad. How come I have to do all of the dirty work?" responds Mike.

"Look Mike. I was looking out for your best interests. Think about it this way: You'll be free to drink all the beer you want now," says Elad.

"Fuck you, Elad. Just get the door!" Mike says in a pissed off tone.

(Ring!)

"OK OK, I'm coming. Hold your horses you impatient bastard." Elad screams as he opens the door.

Once the door is open, a man in a wheel chair rolls in.

"Where's my wife and son. Are you guys having a party. Where is everyone at?" The man asks suspiciously as he wheels in the door.

"They are all in the kitchen." Replies Elad.

The man rolls into the kitchen where Big Mike quickly buries the massive hammer into him. Not realizing he's in a wheel chair, he misses his head and breaks his leg.

"Hey....What was that for. It's a good thing I can't feel in that leg or it might hurt." The man flatly states concerned.

Mike raises the hammer and swings it once again. It misses as the chair is motorized and spins leaving the kitchen. Mike chases him around the door and out through the living room. While this is going on, the door bell rings again. Elad opens it a crack and sees a policeman standing there.

"Can I help you?" Elad asks looking up.

"We've had a report of a disturbance in the area. I noticed all of the cars in your driveway and assumed there must be a party at your house. Do you think you could keep it down?" The policeman asks nicely amidst the screaming and motors whirring in the background and looking down at him. "Hey what's going on in there?"

The cop shoves the door open and enters, kicking the tiny Elad as he enters. Elad tumbles back against the wall unconscious. When he comes too, he's in a jail under hand cuffs.

"Hey! Let me out of here. You can't hold a devil like this!" Elad states emphatically.

A rather large policeman enters and takes Elad to a small room and places him in a chair. He points a bright lamp on him and then sits across from him in another chair. Another man enters also and walks in holding a tape recorder. He sets the device on the table before Elad, advises him of his rights and then pauses for a second. After a long uncomfortable silence he looks at the tiny Elad perched in the really large chair. He looks like Tom Thumb sitting there.

"OK, Elad. We know! Mike told us all about it." The man says in a confident voice. "Do you want to confess or do you need a lawyer."

"I don't need anything. I'm a devil and if I can just get my hands free, I'll be out of here." Elad blurts out.

"Oh! Insanity huh. Well, that won't work here. We have a witness too. You'd better strike a bargain or it's the chair for you as sure as I'm wearing a badge." Says the cocky cop.

"Witness? What Witness?" Elad asks struggling.

"We have statements from Mike who claims he just got home and found seven bodies in his house and that you were trying to claim number eight and nine if you count the guy in the wheel chair. The cop says he entered the house and you were chasing him around with a sledge hammer. He had to knock you out because you were so crazy. And the man in the wheel chair claims you wiped out his entire family. Mike says you killed his wife."

"That's a lie. I'm a devil. I don't do any of my own killing. Mike did all of that!" Elad claims defiantly.

"Take him away boys. We'll get a Psych Eval done." The detective offers.

The other detective picks Elad up by his tiny collar and carries him back to his cell. There he tosses him into the cell, locking the door and Elad in his tiny padded room. Muffled protests can be heard inside.

Outside the jail Mike looks at the cop and the wheel chair stricken man.

"OK, thanks guys. It'll probably take a few weeks to get the $5 million but we'll meet and split it three ways. The trio then separate and temporarily go their different ways.

Mike looks up at the bars from the second story window to see Elad standing in the window sill behind the unbreakable glass protesting and swearing at him. Then he turns and walks away.

Act Three (The Trial)

"Let me outa here!" The eight inch Elad screamed from behind the bars. "I'm innocent, I tell ya!"

The cops in the other room snickered as he said that.

"Hey Joe! Go get Elad. He's wanted in court," said the sergeant.

As the tall policeman entered the jail, he took Elad by his tiny collar, picked him up and then moved him to the next room. They had a small chair waiting for him. After a few minutes he was escorted in and handcuffed to a paper weight on the defendants table where his lawyer awaited him. He was forced to sit on several thick books in order to view the proceedings. Earlier, to no avail, his defense attorney had objected to this spectacle as cruel and unusual punishment stating "Forcing the Defendant to be displayed in this manner would prejudice the jury." He was over ruled by the judge and the trial made headlines.

Outside, a media circus had ensued. The crowd was unruly and the population of Luckyville had increased by 30 fold for what was termed the "Trial Of The Century." Barbecues were held in his honor as the poor Elad was expected to be found guilty, sentenced to die and fried in the electric chair all within a mere week. Elad's only hope lay in the fact that his lawyer, Johnny "I could sell ice cubes to Eskimos" Cocharan, had lots of experience in defending psychotic dwarves. Only months before, he had rescued "Mighty Moe, The Don of the Dwarf Underworld, from certain death by establishing that the electric chair provided five times the voltage required to kill a dwarf humanely. For this, the govt. provided $5 billion dollars as a grant to Hector Illuminate to determine the harmful effects of 20,000 volts on a dwarf body. That bought another 5 years in the appeals process to Mighty Moe's case. In the end, they reduced the sentence of the Don to 5 years due to the fact that a dwarf only lives 1/5 as long. With good behavior, he'll be out in a year.

"Hear ye, oh hear ye. The 5th circuit court is now in progress. The Honorable Judge Lucas Ito presiding: Hang 'em high and let 'em swing. All stand! God Bless The Great State of Texas."

The crowd stood as the judge entered and "The Yellow Rose of Texas" was played.

"All seated." The bailiff cried.

"Elad Nostaw! How do you plead?" asked the Judge.

He pleads 'Innocent by reason of insanity, your honor!" stated the Defense.

"Yeah, I'm innocent! I'm the devil and I don't need to kill anyone. They always kill themselves...." stated Elad with impunity.

"You see, your honor. He's obviously insane!" The defense offered up.

"I am not. I'm the debil. Untie my hands and I'll prove it to you!" said Elad.

"Don't do it your honor. He bit one person already and while handcuffed. Think about what he could have done if he had those cuffs off," said the jailer.

"Your honor, we'd like to add 437 more charges. We think he's a serial killer," added the DA.

"Let me see the list of charges......Hmmmmm.......why some of these happened in the 1890's. How could he have done those? the judge asked.

"He claims he's the devil your honor. If he gets to claim that, I'm pinning every charge open on my books against him." The DA answered back.

"Request denied but you can add in the ones that involved human sacrifice." The Judge responded.

"Hey, You can't do that, Judge" The defense protested. "There's no evidence he was even around then.

"Do you have any other motions for the defense before the trial begins?" asked the judge.

"Your honor...if it pleases the court...I'd like to declare a mistrial. In no uncertain terms, can Elad get a fair trial here. He is insane and not fit to stand trial. Not one jury has ever accepted the insanity plea in the state of Texas and he is on trial for murdering 1% of the towns population. How can that be fair? Everyone here is probably a relative." The defense protested.

Slam, Slam went the gavel!

"Shaddup sir! You are out of order. If I hear an outburst like that again, I'll sentence you to 30 days in the hoosecal. Now sit your carpet-baggin ass back in your seat and be quiet until it's your turn!" Cried the judge in a firm voice. "Bailiff, call the first witness."

The DA stands and calls Big Mike.

As Big Mike enters the witness booth the bailiff says: "Place your hand on the bible and repeat after me....Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"

Big Mike places his hand on the bible (Fingers crossed) and says "I do!"

"Your honor...I object. He had his fingers crossed!" objects the defense attorney.

"You sir are trying my patience. Bailiff, silence that man," answered the judge.

The bailiff duct tapes Johnny's mouth shut but not before he silently protests by mumbling.

"Proceed Mr. Prosecuting Attorney," states the judge.

"Big Mike can you describe what happened to you on November the 8th of last year at 8 A.M?" Asked the DA.

"On November the 8th?" asked Big Mike.

"Yes, November the 8th." Stated The DA again.

"Well, my wife and I were having sex and she was trying out her new vibrator on me." He stated smiling.

"Excuse me, Judge....errr November the 9th Big Mike." He said looking over his dates once again.

"Oh...That's the date I came home and found my wife dead. And that little guy there" He points to Elad "was covered in blood and Pizza Sauce. In my kitchen were six other bodies, and he used my new craftsman sledge hammer to kill them all." States Big Mike.

The DA holds up the sledge hammer which is 5 times taller than the small Elad and out weighs him by 14 pounds. The jury looks it over and one even uses it to mimic bashing someone and then looks at the short of stature Elad in disgust. The judge then excused Big Mike as the Defense cannot mount a case due to the fact that his mumbling don't make sense.

The next witness for the prosecuting attorney is a forensic scientist. He rises and trips entering the witness booth as a pint bottle of whiskey slides across the floor falling from his pocket.

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God!" states the bailiff.

"I...did......I will......I errr.....do!" He says stuttering over the courts loud speaker.

"What did you find at 3232 Westmoreland Lane on November 9th," asks the DA

"Well, six bodies. They had all been hit on the head and deducing from the pizza splatters it either had to be someone tall....or a dwarf standing on a chair. We found six chairs in the kitchen and from that we were able to determine that a dwarf could have done it. Later we found pizza sauce splatters on the defendant and with the use of DNA sampling conducted on the sauces we were able find out that they must have originated in a plant in New Jersey someplace," said the forensic expert.

"New Jersey?" said the judge. "Get a rope!"

"Wait, your honor...there's more," added the DA

"Do tell....then proceed," added the judge.

"What else did you find?" The DA asked the forensic expert.

"We found tiny fingerprints on the handle of the sledge hammer," expressed the forensic expert.

Look at big Mike!" The DA directed the jury.

As the jury looks his way, Big Mike places his Tiny Little Hands below the table but the damage is done. From his size they will never guess he has tiny hands. They then look at Elad, who's hands are cuffed to a paper weight on the top of the table that he is incapable of moving. Shocks from the jury reverberate about the room. Even the press is disgusted and Elad, now frightened, turns pale as the newspaper reporters photograph him at his worst.

"I'm innocent" Elad claims leaping up on the table and yanking up and down on the cuffs holding him bound. "I was just trying to do him a favor."

"Bailiff, restrain that dwarf!" the judge screams.

The Jury leaves their box and no sooner than the door had closed behind the last one, than it opened again with all twelve jurors filing back through the door.

"Guilty, your honor!" cries the jury foreman.

"Hey that's not fair" screamed Elad. "They weren't even gone 5 seconds! I want an appeal. I want a stay of execution. I want to talk to the governor............ and his wife too. Elad honks the horn on the table before him imitating Harpo Marx."

"Elad Nostaw. You have defiled the State of Texas' laws and the Governor's wife. It is the determination of this court that you be held without bond and until such time as we can cut the legs off our electric chair to accommodate you better. Then you will be taken to the Town Square where not only will we electrocute you until dead, but we will publicly broadcast the execution." Said the Judge.

"God bless the great state of Texas. OK now everyone is free to go. There will be an electrocution reception in the break room at Five PM."

Elad is hauled off protesting his innocence!

"I'm Innocent. Honest I am." He said.

Once back in the jail amongst his fellow inmates, Elad relaxes. It's a sad day for him and Bubba in the cell next to him, breaks out his harmonica and begins playing a blues song. Elad, dances a little tap dance as the music fills the cells about him. A small tear almost forms on his cheek just before it bursts into steam.

Meanwhile, in the judges chamber, a party is going on.

"Hey Judge. We just found some evidence that might acquit Elad." said an honest cop.

"What is it?" asked the judge.

"A bloody glove we found four miles away in a garbage dump. It has Big Mikes name stitched in it. It seems Big Mike's wife liked doing that kind of thing to him. He even has Big Mike stitched into his underwear." replied the cop.

"Well, bury it! Replied the Judge. "The town wants an electrocution and I'm not depriving them of it. I have an election coming up, for Christ sakes."

Meanwhile not too far away in a jail, Elad dances awaiting his electrocution. He starts singing along with Bubba's music. Elad can't cry and so Bubba cries for him. All of the other death row inmates cry for him. They weep for Elad!