Parent's guide to using a remote.

A Parent’s Guide to Operation and Care of the Universal Remote Control.

As a 24-year-old male living in my parents’ house, I am often called upon to assist in a variety of tasks. These can range from cleaning dishes, yard-care, lifting heavy objects, etc. This is all part of being on the receiving end of free room, board, food, and other amenities that I would rather have, so it’s all in a day’s work (this is not to say that I actually do any of these things, but that’s neither here nor there). However, there comes a time when even the most lazy free-loader must stand up for his rights, must stand tall and refuse to be used any further, and I’m afraid that time has come for me.

If I have to help them fix the universal remote control one more time, I’m going to kill them.

It’s gotten out of hand. At least twice a week these people are in dire need of a swift kick to the scrotum (or ovaries, if it’s my mother who fucked it up). I’ve explained countless times what they can and cannot touch, what they should and should not do, but something just isn’t making it past the “hearing” stage and into the “comprehension” stage. The following is a rendition of a typical exchange between my parents and myself on the subject of the remote:


FATHER (bellowing from across the house): BRIAN!!
ME: (under my breath) Son of a bitch…. WHAT????
FATHER: GET UP HERE, SOMETHING’S WRONG WITH THIS FUCKING TV!
(I arrive on the scene, watching my father holding the remote control like he’s afraid it’s going to attack him. My mother is shaking her head.)
FATHER: I don’t know what your mother did to this, but now—
MOTHER: I didn’t touch it, Bill!
ME: Oh, for the love of… just give it to me.
FATHER: Here. I don’t know why we have so many fucking remotes.
ME: You’re only using one of them, though. Forget it, here… (I press two buttons, sometimes three). There, fixed.
FATHER (leans forward): Now what did you do?
ME: The TV has to be on channel 4 for cable to work.
MOTHER: No, you mean channel 3.
ME: No, channel 4. It used to be channel 3, but Comcast sucks and they changed it.
FATHER: So, the TV is on channel 4 now?
ME (debating between truth and lie): ….No, it’s not. It’s on channel 3, but the VCR is on channel 4, so it’s ok.
FATHER and MOTHER: (silence)
ME: Look, if the VCR is on, which is should ALWAYS BE, JUST TO MAKE THINGS SIMPLE FOR YOU, then if the VCR is on channel 4, then the TV can be on channel 3.
FATHER: … so, I should just change the TV to channel 4, and that will fix the problem?
ME: I don’t know that there’s anything on earth that can fix this problem.
MOTHER: Bill, as long as the TV is on channel 4, we can watch TV.
ME: No, you’re not listening!
FATHER: The TV is on channel 4!
MOTHER: No, it’s on channel 11!
ME: THAT’S THE CABLE CHANNEL! IT’S DIFFERENT! HOLY SHIT!
FATHER: Don’t talk to your mother like that.
ME: Look, why don’t you guys just read a book or something?


And so I find myself writing this guide. I’m tired of repeatedly explaining the same things again and again, tired of having to undo whatever massive damage they’ve managed to do in the 10 unsupervised minutes they’ve been watching TV, tired of hearing them say, “Hold on, let me get my reading glasses so I can see what you’re doing…”. I’ve had enough, I say, and so I hope that by not only sending this out by newsletter, but also by posting it on my blog, by submitting it to various creative writing sites, and even posting it on message boards, I can embarrass them enough that they’ll actually learn this shit. Or I’ll just get to laugh at them some more. Either way.

Buttons You Should Use

Judging by past experiences of you somehow reprogramming the universal remote, we’ll keep this a relatively short section, simply mentioning the buttons you should have access to and their various functions.


-The Device Buttons

Also known as “The Holy Trinity,” these are the buttons that you use when you want to change which device the universal remote operates. Previously, I’ve refused to explain this to you and forced you to use all of the remotes, hoping that by sticking to one remote per device, you’d be able to handle it. I’m no longer an optimist.

There are usually three device buttons, sometimes four. They are almost always labeled as follows: “Cable,” “TV,” VCR.” Sometimes there’s an “Auxiliary” button in there, or sometimes the VCR button is labeled Auxiliary. This is not a cause for alarm or panic; it simply means that the universal remote can be programmed to control so many devices that simple ergonomics prohibits giving each device its own separate button.

The operation of these buttons is also relatively simple (assuming the control is programmed; if it’s not, just wait for me to get home. Please). If you want to change the cable channel, you first press the “cable” button. If you want to change the TV’s volume, you press the “TV” button. It’s not rocket science, people. You should be able to do this.


-The Power Button

Also known as the King of Buttons. When used in conjunction with the Holy Trinity, the power button becomes an enabler of sorts, allowing you to control the entire stack of media devices you’ve purchased over the years. Think of the power button as the “make it go on” button. Seriously, if I have to explain this shit to you, it’s time you sold all that equipment and found new hobbies.


-The Channel / Volume buttons

Let’s just call these the “up / down” buttons. When used properly, they make the channels and volume go up and down. When used improperly, they make me drink more. Won’t you please think of my liver and not abuse these?


-The Numbers

These are to be used solely to change the cable channels. They can be used for the TV and the VCR as well, but after much careful consideration, I’ve decided that you aren’t ready for that. I’ve spent lots of time creating a very stable and controlled electronic environment for you people. Everything is in perfect balance and harmony. Don’t fuck it up by changing the TV or VCR channel.


-The Guide button and the OK button

These buttons are like Keith Richards and drugs: they just go together. You can use the guide to find shows that are on, and the OK button to select the show. It really is that easy. The tears can stop.


Buttons You Should Never Use

This is the next logical step in curing your problem and keeping me from stabbing you in the throat while you sleep. Under no circumstances should you ever ever ever press these buttons:

-Every other button on the remote

Yes, I mean all of them. There is no reason at all that you should be fucking around with any of the other buttons. They serve no purpose for your meager entertainment needs, so don’t even try it.


Trouble-Shooting

I think we’ve hit all the important aspects of basic use of the remote control. In the following section, we’ll discuss the various problems you might encounter and some simple ways to fix these problems.

--“I turned the TV on, but all I get is a black screen!”

Most likely, the problem is that you did not turn the TV on because you’re stupid. Press the “TV” device button and then press “Power.” This will fix the situation 80% of the time. If this doesn’t work, check the cable box. Do you see numbers? If not, then press the “Cable” device button, followed by “Power.” If this still doesn’t work, find the VCR’s remote control and press the “TV/Video” button, making sure that the switch is by “TV.”


--“The TV is on, but I can’t change any of the channels!”

First, take a deep breath and look around. Are you in the kitchen? You might be trying to turn on the microwave. If this doesn’t work, make sure you’re holding the correct remote control; you might be holding the cordless phone, or perhaps a paperback novel.


--“I want to tape something in the VCR, but I can’t figure out how to do it!”

You should have asked me to set this up for you before I left the house. You’re screwed, don’t even try to do it. Don’t call me, either.


--“I can’t watch a DVD! The TV is on channel 3 and the VCR is on channel 4, and the TV is on “Video,” but it won’t work!”

What did I tell you? You should never be in a position where you can ascertain what channel things are on because the only way you can figure out how to do that is by changing channels on devices you shouldn’t be fooling with. Put the control down and read a book until I get home, I’ll fix it then.


--“I’ve been hearing a lot about TiVo, do you think it’s something we should get?”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You’ve got to be kidding me. You’re afraid of e-mail, and you want TiVo? If you want something more your speed, I think I’ve got an Etch-A-Sketch somewhere in the basement. Morons.


If you have any other questions, don’t ask me. I’m trying to end the vicious cycle of communication in our house, and this is just the first step.

And, in Conclusion…

I hope this guide has proven to be useful and has cured all lapses in regards to universal remote control usage. If it hasn’t, oh well. Maybe you should try cooking a decent dinner for a change.